The Book Of Random

My Wife and Kids Quotes

Jay: What does that look like to you?Michael: I'll say it's chocolate-covered raisins.Jay: No, it looks like mouse droppings.Michael: There's only one way to find out. Junior, come taste one of these.

Michael: I thought you were going shopping for towels.Jay: I did.Michael: When did Sony start making towels?

Franklin: First, we need to clean it (referring to a raw chicken).Claire:OK, I'll put it in the dishwasher. Life cycle, right?

Franklin: Today, we're going to cook minute rice.Claire: Really? How long will that take?

Jay: I've got ye olde egg salad.Michael: That's why ye olde lifespan was only 36 years, because ye olde bowels couldn't digest ye olde food.

Michael: Put him [a customer] down!Calvin: I'm trying, but I don't know where to put him down! Why did they put in a 'pick-up' sign when they didn't put in a 'put-down' sign?Michael: It's a good thing you didn't see the 'loading in rear' sign.

Claire: How would you feel if your parents went on a double date with you and Mom?Michael: Like a virgin.

Michael: You seem to be forgetting what we did in a movie theater. Remember the hot dog trick?Jay: Go check on the kids.

Junior (after Michael writes the title of Junior's notepad of dumb sayings called "I Ain't Dumb"): Dad, there's no 'B' in dumb, that's 'dum-bee'.Michael: I found a gray hair.Jay: Where? In your goatee?Michael: Lower.Jay: Your chest?Michael: Warmer.Jay: You're nuts!Michael: Exactly. The right one.

Jay: You have 10 whole teeth in your mouth.Kady: That's more than Grandma, right?

Junior: These hands were made for love.Michael: I know one of them is.

Junior: For once, I'm not the dumbest one in the room.Tony: Yes, you are.Junior: You just proved me right. Because it's, "Yes, you is."Michael: Why don't you quit while you're behind, son?

Junior: He who runs away, lives to fight another day.Michael: Yeah. And then he runs to join the Village People.

Junior (about accidentally knocking Michael out while being taught how to box): I feel like Sugar Ray.Jay: Which one?Junior: The band.

Claire (after telling Junior, who got into a fight with Tony and got beat up after he assumed that Claire and Tony were having sex, when really they were playing miniature golf): What did you think we did?Junior: It.Claire: It?Jay: It?Michael: It?Claire: That's disgusting!Jay: That's disgusting!Michael: That's just plain damn nasty.

Jay (to Claire, who broke up with Tony after seeing him with another woman, who was actually his cousin): Baby, you've got to communicate with Tony. That is the secret to any good relationship. How do you think your father and I have held in there for so long?Michael: Unplanned pregnancies?(Jay stamps on Michael's foot) Ow!You said you wanted me to give the male point of view, I'm giving you the male point of view!Jay: Go point your view back at the television.

Michael (to Claire, who is eating junk food to comfort her after her breakup with Tony): Claire, you gotta watch your sugar intake. You're already genetically predisposed to being a little thick. (looks at Jay)Jay: That wasn't even necessary!Michael: Baby, I was just being honest.Jay (referring to Michael's head): Do I run around the house telling Junior that he's genetically predisposed of looking like a brown egg?

Kady: Mom always burns the bottom of her cookies, and I like that.Jay: Thanks...I think.

Michael: (to restaurant warker) You're Japanese, too?Man: Until midnight.

Hippie: (to Michael) I'm going to call you 'Dark Cloud'. Aah!Michael: And I'm going to call you 'a cab'! Aah!

Franklin: [to Kady, after she unknowingly applied skunk odor to herself] Don't worry, my little stinkweed. I still love you.

Jay: It's Junior's first big-boy drawers!Michael: I remember the big doo-doos he left in those drawers.

Jay: Junior's SAT scores just came in.Michael: Oh boy, let me get the whiskey.

Jay: Claire, you're 16 now, what do you see yourself doing in the next few years?Claire: Shopping.

Michael: Son, how do you feel about sheep?Junior: Hey, who don't like saving money?

Jay: (to Michael) If you keep this up, you're going to get to know your fingers really well.

Michael: This beef stroganoff is really saying something.Jay: Yeah, it's saying 'I'm meatloaf!'

Claire: Junior, get your butt out of my face!Junior: Get your face out of my butt!Claire: I'm the one in the line of fire!A short time later:Michael: Junior, I'll give you $50 if you fart right now.

Kady: Which one of the Powerpuff Girls is my favorite?Franklin: Barney?

Vanessa: Which yogurt flavor is my favorite?Junior: Seven!

Jay: What is my dress size?Michael: The answer to your question is, your dress size is a six...Jay: *giggling*Michael: ...teen!

Michael: Why does everyone think I'm the big green ogre?Junior: Because you are.

Jay: What, you have a big-screen TV in your back pocket?Wanda: No, but thanks for suggesting one can fit back there.

Junior: I can't concentrate on my homework.Michael: So you have to concentrate to bring home two D's and an F.

Jay: I'm cleaning out the closet.Michael: With what, a bomb?

Jay: Tell me that's not Brian McKnight.Junior: That's not Brian McKnight.Jay: Yes, it is, Junior.Junior: Then why'd you tell me to tell you--Jay: Shut up, boy, and get me to the altar!

Calvin: [after tasting some pudding meant to symbolize feces in a baby's soiled diaper] Mmm, it's chocolate pudding.Instructor: Lucky for you, that's right.