Notes

1

I rubbed my hand against the back of my neck, feeling the Braille tattoo that had been inked onto me in a drunken sense of acceptance. Two dots diagonal, 3 dots diagonal and down... The dots continued as they jumped across my skin, ending abruptly towards the curvature of my jaw.  "Isn't this darkness beautiful?" On the outside I could sense the tiny dots spell out each word, but on the inside the metaphor remained. Because only those that are blind learn how to read in the dark, while those who can see miss out on a beautiful kind of perception. But, all I could do now was stare into nothing as the smell of burning paper seared my nostrils and attacked my senses. Once a ticket to my independence, now condemned to ash.

The wind was frigid, the hairs on the back of my neck and back standing on edge. The crackling of fire and warmth from its flames assured me it was still burning; the cool breeze and the small enclosure of warmth fighting for dominance. All I wanted to do was to reach in and grab it from the blaze's fingertips, just to guarantee she didn't read it wrong. But deep down in my heart I knew she wasn't mistaken; I knew it was right, no matter how much I longed for it to be wrong. It was the worst feeling in the world, knowing that the one thing I really wanted, more than being able to see was to at least give others the opportunity to hear the world that I saw.

The seat was chilling even through my jeans, the continuous rushes of wind sending chills down my spine, giving me goose-bumps. The sound of the breeze whistled through the tree that took up a large section of the backyard. It held an unfinished tree house, barren and abandoned, the breeze rattling the undeniably rotten wood and the leaves that surrounded it. There were no birds flying past, no insects trilling in the grass beneath my feet , no parties or people walking by- just me, sitting in the backyard of my house on a Saturday night, silence keeping me company.

Through the pocket of my jeans I felt the vibrations of my phone, buzzing away until Kyra ended the call. I knew all she wanted to do was ask me how I went and if I had been accepted, but talking to her would just make it harder to disappoint her. I could imagine her face as I told her, even though I had never seen it. I always imagined what she looked like- was her hair short or long? Did she have freckles? How did her smile curve? It was weird to think that I had never asked her what she looked like. And she had never ask me why I hadn't thought to ask. It was nice like that, but hearing her voice right now wouldn't do anything but make the situation worse.

The back door slid open with a loud thud that rebounded off of the empty air. I didn't bother to turn around, keeping my head focused on where I knew the flames were emanating from. The letter was almost completely burnt; I could tell as the heat faded into small bursts of warmth that lost most of its power from the gusts of snow-like winds. The chair next to me grinded against the concrete slab in which it stood upon as the breaths of mum became a focal point for my senses. The temperature engulfed our bodies, leaving us shivering in the night. But both of us stayed.

Mum breathed heavily into the air, as if she were searching for the right words to say. Her hand came over and rested on my own, providing some protection against the cold.

"Elijah, it hurt me just as much as it hurt you when I read out that letter. It was hard to get the words out, because it was almost like I had made the decision myself..."

Her words sort of trailed off, but I didn't reply. There was nothing to say that could ease off the perpetual sting that pounded throughout my body.

"I remember the first time I heard you play." I heard her chuckle. "You were 5 years old, walking around with your small white cane and whispering the layout of the house. You were still getting used to things. It was the first day in quite a while I heard you laugh. You were just banging your little fingers against the keys as if you didn't have a care in the world. And for a split second you didn't. You were just a boy who liked the piano."

Her voice cracked with each syllable, making my heart ache that I couldn't fix her pain. I didn't remember, but her talking about it almost gave remnants of sounds from memories created years ago.

"The smile I see when you play today is the same smile I saw when you were five years old. It's beautiful watching you. It's always been beautiful watching you grow into the man you are today. A high school graduate, a musician, a young man."

"I'm not a musician." My voice echoed, monotone and blunt.

"But you are Eli!" She slid her chair closer to mine. My head slowly drifted towards her, resting on her shoulder.  "A panel of three people don't get to decide what you are and what you aren't."

"But those three people were the most important people I will probably ever perform in front of! And I will never get to know why!"

Our voices disappeared into the night air, washing away into a distant murmur carried by the wind. The crackling of fire became one of the only noises in the world, its heat slowly dwindling as it's source of fuel became ash. Nothing moved except the trees dancing in the wind, becoming statues once more as the air inhaled.

"Come inside Eli- you can play a song for me."

I tried to speak, but the words hid in my mouth, clinging onto my tongue as if they wished to stay undisclosed. I felt her slowly stepping away, sliding the back door open and shutting it again once she was inside. It was almost colder without her beside me. The fire was gone, along with the heat of its tiny flames, leaving an empty space where the pocket of warmth once manifested. I didn't move. My head faced towards the place where the fire previously stood, now coated with the ashes of my letter. The words that were once engraved upon it's surface now muted by a blaze fuelled by it's truth. Thoughts collided with each other, merging together into a jumble of words that no longer made sense.

I tilted my head back and looked up, the same darkness in my mind stretching over an infinite number of kilometres. What did the stars look like? Kyra had told me they appeared as a glisten of light, a tiny but beautiful dot, scattered in groups of millions in the night sky. I didn't really know what light was, but every time I thought about a star my mind almost buzzed with the endless possibilities of what could be. I imagined it as a completely black sky, with one giant star right in the middle. That's what I saw every time I went to sleep, and hoped one day where I would end up.

Tonight, my star was missing. There were no notes whistling in the oblivion, no music playing from the emptiness that never needed an image to be real. There was nothing but silence.

I didn't move for the longest of time, not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't feel it necessary. I grabbed my White Cane from beside me as I stood up, even though I didn't really need it for around the house. It was almost like a maze, the seemingly endless halls and bare windows imprinted on the back of my hand. Turn slightly to the left, move forward for a few steps, door handle to the left. My hand rested on the handle, but I was resistant to go inside. I could feel the ashes scattered aimlessly where the fire once was, but I knew by morning they would have disappeared. The letter I had been waiting on for weeks was now a series of particles that were destined to be lifted by the exhale of wind, a fragment of what could have been. And as I opened the door after what seemed like an eternity, one thought remained forever present in my head, it's venomous hiss ringing at the back of my mind. If the only musical University I wanted to get in to can't accept my music, how can everyone else?