Notes

3

Rain hammered against the car as mum slowed down at each turn, her blinker almost unheard. These trips had become routine, nothing new- they were quite boring. The same old "hey Eli *fake  happiness to try and make me feel better* it's been so long!  you've grown up heaps" cliché. But the nurses were just doing their job, they were used to seeing children go through the same horrors that they shouldn't be experiencing but are nonetheless, so they try their best to cheer them up. They've been doing it to me since I was 5. Thunder struck around us, like a giant had smashed his fist into the ground. Storms always made mum nervous, but I think she was trying to hide it because of me. She didn't want to freak out because she wanted to be brave for me, to mask the feeling of dread she felt each time we saw the doctor, anticipating the worst.

"Almost there kiddo..."

"Are these check ups even doing anything? Like, is it worth the hassle?"

Mum sighed. "Of course it's worth it Eli. You're worth it. And plus, it's doing a great job by monitoring your health, and making sure your eyes aren't cancerous anymore."

"Oh yeah, my eyes are doing great. They just aren't in my face or anything." I said almost sarcastically, not meaning to sound as impolite.

"I didn't mean it like that!" I think she realised what she had said as her voice was nothing more than a whisper. I couldn't help but feel guilty as more thunder hit, I knew she was only trying to help.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound so rude." I tried to say anything but I knew I had already hurt her. She slowly exhaled.

"It's okay. We are going to be okay." Her voice sounded flat and low.

I imagined my mother to be the most beautiful women in the world, yet she had been through so much with me and I always seemed to take out my feelings on her. The car did it's usual turns and bumps until we finally stopped in the parking lot of the hospital.

"Ready sweetie?"

I gave her a sad two thumbs up and as the car filled with tension. She sighed, opening her side and walking towards mine. I grabbed my White Cane as I hopped out, mum grabbing my arm and bolting so we didn't get soaked.

"Mum, I'm sorry for everything. I didn't mean to..."

"Eli, " she interrupted, "I know. I promise it's okay."

I forced a smile. I knew she was being strong for me, so I felt safe and okay. But I always felt sick coming to these appointments, the air thick with sadness and despair as we edged closer to the hospital.

The ground changed from asphalt to concrete as we got to the entrance of the hospital. The automatic doors open to release what can only be described as the most sterilised smell in the world. It hit you like a truck as we kept walking- past the front counter and towards the small shop where you could buy small teddy bears and over-priced chocolates and lollies. In the many years I had been in that hospital, I had never gotten used to atmosphere of the place.

The screeching of wheelchairs against the floor. Ambulances pulling into the ER, the sirens screaming in a fit of urgency as people in life-threatening conditions were rushed to be saved. Coughing. Wheezing. People crying. Sobbing. Nurses rushing around, trying to be of any assistance to those who needed it the most. Babies being born. People being laid to rest after fighting indescribable diseases. The smell of medicine and sickness rolled into one. It was so overwhelming that one would never be able to get used to it, not even as a nurse or doctor.

We reached the elevator. I ran my finger over the button, feeling the Braille on top of it's surface. There weren't many places that I could read what objects were intended for, it felt nice for a person with my condition to be included in every day situations.