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Chapter 5: Lost

Lost. I am lost. I can't get Her out of my head. I can still remember how She said that it's not normal for a teenager to want to kill someone. I still remember the way She looked at me, the darting eyes, the scary facial expression that showed Her fear, Her unbelieving eyes that made me feel like a psycho. 

-"How can I stop You?" I remember asking Her. 

-"By killing Me." I remember Her saying, bending over, and laughing. 

I feel horrible for actually considering it. Spending hours, twisting and turning at night, thinking about what stopped me from doing it. From killing Her.

Oh, the heart that loves unconditionally.. it hates unconditionally. It pumps blood to a torn down body. A brain that is constantly thinking, constantly doing something. Especially at night.

The troubled soul. The unhappy girl. The terrifying ending. Thoughts that just won't stop flowing through her bloodstream. Shaky hands. The dark circles under her eyes. Her freckles and green eyes. Her nervous breakdowns, yelling into the night. Needing somebody. Missing her. Missing my best friend. Missing somebody. Missing my ex. Needing someone to live for. Someone to die for. Someone to hold me when I'm terrified, instead of thinking I'm overreacting. Longing for someone to love. What to do with all this love inside of me?

 Come back, come back, come back. These words have turned to a heartbeat. My heartbeat. Those cursed beats that keep me alive. The tangled thoughts. Fighting tears that aren't falling. Staring at my French lesson, having to study but being too emotionally exhausted to do that. If the phone rings, I won't pick up. 

Playing with my lunch food. Mixing it so that it looks pretty. Leaving the lunch table without even eating half of it. My mother's voice, yelling, telling me to come back, to finish what's left in my plate. Spending the next hour in the bathroom, debating whether I should purge or not. Tears through the horrible feeling of vomiting. Ridding myself of anger by studying and sleeping early, heart beating. I can't help it. I wake up every 30 minutes or so. The feeling of nervousness as I try to fall asleep. Scenarios of things that will never happen. Tears that still aren't falling. Waking up every 10 minutes, starting 5:30AM. 

Inability to swallow my breakfast. Hurrying to school, smile taped on my face. She's right there. She's sitting there. I pass Her, struggling to move past Her. Struggling not to collapse. Trying to stay alert. 

Class, once again. The exhausting, draining daily routine. More complicated thoughts I can't untangle. 

Hiding behind the lockers and trying to avoid getting kicked out of class. I grab my earphones and start listening to music. The tears finally fall. I feel like a failure. I failed Her. She's probably really mad. Remember how She gave you that smile that scared the shit out of you when you passed Her in the corridor? Yes, yes, She hates you. She loathes you, Emma. 

Drag yourself out of here. 

I need a break. From school. From Her. From life. From my thoughts. From caring. I wish I could pass out for a week or so- just stay away from everything for a while. Yeah, that would work. That would definitely work. Still, Christmas break doesn't sound so bad...