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Chapter 9: There.

Never thought I'd ever go back there again, ever. My to-do list for the first day of the winter break basically went like this:

1- hand papers in.

2- go home and have lunch.

3- visit psychologist at the centre.

4- visit half-sister & mom's friend.

The first two points actually went really well. I had so much fun. However, this was my first time visiting my psychologist since.. September. Or even August! I was scared witless. My mental health is literally shit compared to August, and even then, I stayed at the centre for a while. 

I take a deep breath and step into the room that smells of cinnamon and vanilla and makes me feel unexpectedly relaxed. I am greeted warmly, and to my surprise, he actually remembers me! About half an hour of talking later, he starts checking me for symptoms of the same mental illness I had months ago. 

2 hours later, he has a dead serious expression on his face, though he still looks as kind as he always does. 

-" you know, Emma.. I'm positive you should come back here again, at least for 2 weeks. You don't have school, and it'd do you well to stay here. I don't really mean to worry you, but I think it's a bit more serious than last time. I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore. You're so young, and your life is worth so much more than this. I don't want you to ruin anything for yourself. You deserve the life of your dreams." He says, taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes.

-" but.. I was supposed to be productive this winter break!" I protest.

-" I can guarantee that you get to study or do specific 'productive' activities for specific hours each day, as long as they don't interfere with your mental wellness.."

-" so, same old rule?"

-" if you're referring to the no-phone rule, then yes. I think you, specifically, need time away from your phone. Away from your troubles. If studying turns to a burden, then you and I will work on managing everything so that you won't feel stressed or anything. "

-" yeah, I guess. "

-" think about it. If you can make it here by this weekend, that'd be great. You'd be able to manage everything within these two weeks and not feel stressed at all. "

-" I don't know.. You know how much I want to meet up with Trevor and just hang out with some people I can actually handle seeing, don't you?"

-" yes, I do. But remember your summer and how you managed to fit in your workouts and learning Spanish and practicing your handwriting and pretty much tons of other things in a daily schedule.. AND you used to meet up with Trevor a lot. I guess we can let him in a couple of times, just between you and I."

-" THANK YOU! I'll call you about it soon. I'll be glad to leave my parents and work on a lot of things, alone. "

-" yep. If you don't want to come back, you can always just have regular day appointments. I'll be waiting to hear from you soon, Emma."

-" maybe sooner than you think. I'll see you soon, doc."

-" have a good day, Emma."

I text my parents and they come to pick me up in no time. I distractedly tell my mother about what he said (minus the Trevor part) and she looks disappointed. 

-" are you sure you want to do this?" She mumbles.

-" I guess so. I'll give you an answer by Thursday." I say, looking away.

The visit to my half sister and my mother's friend kind of lightened the mood a little.

For the next few days, all I did was be very ill and watch TV..all day.

It wasn't until Wednesday that I realized I hadn't really made a decision yet. I ran to the living room and found my mother reading the newspaper, as usual.

-" mom, I have to go back there. I really think so." I say quickly, without pausing. She doesn't look too happy about what I just said.

-" fine. When?" She says dryly.

-"uh.. Tomorrow?"

-" fine, just make it after the late breakfast at your half-sister's."

-" okay, cool."

I run to my room and quickly call my psychologist who sounds relieved. I start packing my bag and saying goodbye to my phone.

~24 hours later~

I don't feel so comfortable as I enter the centre. My mother signs some papers and pays, and I just stand there, waiting for her to finish, and then she quickly hugs me and leaves. Woohoo!, my brain whispers. They check me for any sharp or harmful things and take away my nail clipper so that I'll only get it when I need it. They let me have my phone until my psychologist tells them exactly what I can have with me and what I am allowed to do. The receptionist gives me directions to what's going to be my room. 

Once I get there, I throw my bags away and lay down on my bed, and close my eyes. Two weeks. I can do it. Two weeks. That's not much, right?

I do not have any activities scheduled for that day, so I just unpack, change into comfortable clothes, have dinner and go back to my room. One hour after dinner, all psychologists quickly visit their patients to check on them, so I wait in my room. I lay in bed and scroll through Tumblr.

I hear a knock on the door.

-" Emma! So glad to see you again." He says.

-" yep, sooner than you think. Told you." I mumble.

-" now, I'm allowing you to use your phone during specific hours of the day, just for a start, and today doesn't really count, so keep your phone with you for now. However, in about 3 days, you must be ready to hand it in and not take it back again until you leave."

-" yeah sure. Thanks. No drugs this time.. RIGHT?" 

-" actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. I think you'll require a higher dosage this time, but I need to see you again tomorrow.. They'll tell you when to come. Dr Travista will be there, just like last time. For now, a nurse will come check on you every 20 minutes to make sure you're okay. If you're asleep or something, they won't wake you up. They'll just be coming here every 20 minutes. You know how it goes."

-" yep. But last time it was every hour or so. Why the sudden change?"

-" I'll explain tomorrow, promise. "

-"I'll see you tomorrow, doc."

-" good night, Emma."

He leaves and closes the door. I toss my phone away and sigh. This sucks. A few hours in here and I'm already feeling like shit and having flashbacks. And someone looking at me every 20 minutes? Wow. Beautiful. I turn all the lights off except for the small table lamp and start silently sobbing into my pillow. I feel powerless. I have no control over my body. 

Oh no, I think. Not again!

Breathing gets harder, my chest tightens. I'm trying to breathe properly, feeling my nails sink into my skin. Someone peers through the circular window in the door and sees everything.

And then the yelling starts. Screaming my lungs out, then trying to breathe evenly and properly. The same person barges into the room, an unfamiliar face. He sits me up properly and asks me to try to take in deep, slow breaths, but before I know it, the world is a blur and my arm is stretched out, trying to cling to something, but in vain. 

Sinking into that blur, hearing muffled voices around me that definitely belong to several people, then.. Nothing.