ACQUAINTANCE (Book #3 - EMAILS TO DAN)

10 November 2022

Phil has been away for a few days. He got a call from BBC saying he needed to go somewhere for an interview. After he found out, he told me he won't be able to talk to me much once he arrived wherever he was going so I wouldn't worry about him ignoring me again. I was selfish when he did so because I thought we'd hang out, but it wasn't my choice and it was his job.

It was odd, really - feeling slightly bummed out from him just being gone for a few days. Perhaps I wanted to see his face, features, hear his laugh.

Or him in general.

Dan, you left him for a reason.

I groaned at my own thought. "For fucks sake, Dan, you're doing it again," I said to myself in my flat. "You're thinking about Phil."

My mind constantly wondered about the last reason I never told Phil why I thought going our separate ways was a good idea. "Either way, if things ended bad, we would be in the same mess: going our separate ways," I spoke my thought.

I thought it would be easier leaving him, but I was wrong.

Way wrong.

I could never tell Phil, of course. It seemed necessary to, however, it was too risky. He could deny me tell me everything I have done was shitty.

Everything I have done has been shitty. We were still in the mess we were in before. There wasn't a difference. I could leave Phil at this second and he would still be fine. At this point, I didn't feel good enough for him. I put Phil through so much shit, there wasn't a way to take any of it back.

"If only I could tell-" I shouted. Snapping out of my thoughts, I heard my phone vibrating on the coffee table. I leaned over, grabbing it, then answering it once I saw Phil.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dan!" I heard on the other side.

"Phil!" I smiled to myself. "How are you?"

"I'm great. I'm actually in Australia right now!"

"Whoa, really?"

"Yeah! I interviewed Troye for his fourth album, actually."

"That's great! How was it?"

"It went well. He's visiting his family and I asked how him and his husband are doing."

"Who's his husband?"

"I can't remember. I got distracted."

"By what?" I chuckled.

"I was thinking," he sighed, "as to why I haven't gotten married." Silence took over between his phone and mine. Awkward silence, that was.

"Oh," I let out.

"I don't know. I'm thirty five and I'm single." Not responding, I pressed my lips together.

"Sorry."

"It's fine. Anyways, I have to go listen to Troye's new album. I know it's going to be great. Bye, Dan!"

"Bye, Phil."

Then he quickly hung up for his job, leaving him in my thoughts again.