ACQUAINTANCE (Book #3 - EMAILS TO DAN)

19 October 2018

Dan,

I can't write these anymore.

I'm done talking to nothing.

I'm done knowing that you'll never come back. I'm done with you. I'm done with what we had. I'm done with our old friendship. You're not my best friend, anymore. You're not here. You were never here.

You were the greatest best friend I ever had. You were so amazing. You were special. Dan, you were so many great things.

I'm glad that you've been happier. I don't want to be out of the picture, but I accept it now. I fucking miss you - but God forbid, you don't.

Remember when we met? Remember when we first saw each other for the first time? All we could do was hug as soon as we saw each other.

Remember the first Phil Is Not On Fire? Remember when we moved into our first flat together? We both needed a somewhere to live at the time.

Remember when we both started working for BBC Radio 1? Remember when we made our gaming channel? Remember when we made Dil? Remember when we played Mario Kart? I still remember beating you.

Remember when we wrote a book? Remember when we went on tour all around the world? Remember when when we did the last Phil Is Not On Fire? But we didn't know it would be the last. We didn't know we wouldn't be friends anymore. We didn't know that in 2018, we would end our channels forever. We didn't know that I would sit in a chair and write emails to you every month about how much I missed you and wanted to know how you were doing.

I remember everything, Dan. Even if I didn't type it and email it to you, I do.

And I miss it all.

I miss everything.

I miss you.

So I'm saying goodbye to you, Daniel James Howell. I won't contact you after this. I don't care if you respond after this, though I doubt you would. I don't care, anymore, just like you. You don't care now, so I'm doing the same.

And while you're just there reading this, I'm in tears. I'm hoping this is the last time I cry about you. I don't want to think about you. I'm doing this for myself and for you. It's for the best.

The emails I've sent to you will be the last you'll ever have from me.

I hope you're happy.

Goodbye, Dan.

From,
Philip Michael Lester

I cried for hours on end, hating myself for what I have done.

You lost him, I thought.

The thing was I lost him in the beginning. The day we moved out, we lost each other.

"You fucking idiot! You've hurt him! And hurting him ruins you!" I shouted to myself. Then I began to shout at Phil, though he couldn't hear. "Why couldn't I have controlled my feelings? I'm an idiot by not telling you before! Now you're gone and I hate myself for it even more!"

I cried for what felt like forever. My heart ached as each tear slipped down my cheeks. My pillow became wet and soggy as my sobs flooded it.

"I remember it all, Phil! And I do miss you!" I shouted once more. "What's worse is I still fucking have something for you!"

And then I admitted it to the unknown that wasn't myself for the first time.

"And I left you for it!"