I wasted no time the next morning in packing. I wrote a quick letter before leaving Johanna's apartment.
Dear Jo,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be here for you the rest of the summer. I can't handle it. I'll be back the week of the wedding.
Love always,
Bree
And before Johanna would wake up for the morning, I left her apartment and was on my way to the airport and back to America.
I needed life to go back to normal. I couldn't fall back into my old habits. I was living healthy, and being in Korea wasn't helping. That drastic of a change wasn't helping at all.
It was late at night when I finally got home. I figured my parents were probably sleeping.
They're basically workaholics--I don't see them much and they don't see me. I wrote a letter by the coffee maker for my mom to read in the morning.
Mom,
I know I was supposed to stay the entire summer at Johanna's place in Korea, but I couldn't do it and I'm back here until the week of her wedding.
Love, Bree
My parents were so caught up in their own lives, they never noticed my weight changes. If they did, it wouldn't be so bad. I'm bad at lying and sneaking around, but with them gone so much, I get away with so much--like not eating.
They aren't bad parents, but I also think it was a mistake for them to have Johanna and me. They give us too much money to spend and let us do whatever we want. We never get in trouble. A normal parent would scold me for wasting money for a ticket back here, and then having to go back to Korea in a month, but my parents could care less.
I collapsed on my bed out of exhaustion, and didn't even change clothes. The next time I woke up, the sun was shining in my room and my stomach was growling. I exhaled, and checked my alarm clock. It was 2:00 in the afternoon. I knew I had screwed up my body with the jet lag, but I didn't care. It was summer. I changed into athletic shorts and a tshirt instead of my good clothes I happened to sleep in.
The voices in my head started up again, and I considered not eating. No. I had to fight this. Going to Korea wasn't going to kill me.
I found my phone on the floor of my room, and I saw that I had 10 missed calls from Johanna. I called her back, as I was thinking about what food to eat, if I were to eat. I kept getting her voicemail, so I kept calling. Finally, she answered. "Bree."
"Good, you're alive," I said, walking out of my room and down the stairs to the kitchen. One step closer to eating.
"Bree, it's after 5 in the morning here."
"It is?" I asked. How would I know that? "Oh, Sorry."
"I was mad at you for leaving, but after talking to Channie, it's obvious you had culture shock. I didn't when I came here, because I was already so familiar with the culture and lifestyle here. It was like, I was supposed to be here."
I exhaled, rolling my eyes. She's so annoying sometimes.
"Anyway, I forgive you. We have a wedding planner that does everything the maid of honor, which is you, would have to do. So you're off the hook. But I gave them your dress size. This dress size is your most current, as I believe. If you decide to starve yourself, the dress will literally fall off you like a towel and you'll be nude at my wedding. If you want me to speak to you ever again, you keep that dress size. Got it?"
"Fine," I said.
"What happened with you and Xiumin the other night?"
"What?" I asked. "He barely speaks English. Don't ever leave me with a dude who doesn't speak English again. It was awkward af."
"Yeah, but nothing happened, right?"
"What are you even talking about?" I asked.
"Channie and I heard yelling as we were walking down the hallway, right before we got to the door. I just wanted to make sure nothing happened. I trust Xiumin the most of all of them, because the others would have definitely been flirty."
"The others?" I asked.
"In the band."
"Oh yeah. I always forget they're all in a band," I said.
"You're such a fetus," Johanna said. "So why were you yelling?"
"He's not deaf, he just doesn't know English. I'm dumb. Sorry," I made up.
Johanna was quiet on the other side.
"Hello?" I asked.
"I'm here," Johanna said. "I miss you, little sis. I wish you would have stayed. I really wish you would have."
"I know," I said. "Sorry." I rolled my eyes. I was eyeballing pizza rolls. "I need to go. Food awaits. I have a dress size to maintain." I hung up after we said our goodbyes, and I exhaled.
I had no desire to go back to South Korea.
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