MOVE ON: TANGA NA LANG PARATE?

Chapter 6: Amnesia Mode

After that incident, I never knew that every thing between me and Ralph will be the same again.  May parte sa dibdib ko na sana hindi ko na lang sinabi sa kanya kung ano ang nararamdaman ko.  Sana nagkasya na lang ako sa ako at siya at hindi na ako naghangad ng "kame".  Sana may bestfriend pa 'ko.  Sana may katabi pa din ako sa upuan at kakwentuhan.  Sana may kasabay pa 'kong kumaen.  Sana may nagtetext pa din sa'ken ng "tanghali na, magkape ka na" o "good night at salamat sa araw" tuwing matatapos ang araw.  Every thing have changed... except my feelings.  Ang sakit kapag bumabalik ako sa sitwasyon na 'yon, pero mas masakit kapag naaalala ko 'yung mga panahon na masaya lang kami.  Walang label, walang commitment, walang aminan... walang kahit  ano kundi friendship.

Pilitin ko man na hindi magfocus sa study dahil sobrang hirap gawin nun habang sugatan at duguan ang puso mo, hindi ko magawa.  Nasa sistema ko na ang paggana ng utak ko sa kahit ano'ng issue sa paligid ko.  Nagkikita pa din kami ni Ralph.  Ngitian na lang.  May iba na siyang ka-closed.  May iba na siyang katext, kachat at katawagan.  "May iba na siya"... at ako, siya pa din ang nasa isip.  Ang tanga ko, 'no?  Bakit?  Sigurado ako na hindi lang ako ang ganitong tao sa mundo.  Malay mo kahit ikaw ganun din!  

Graduation na, and I graduated as the Class Valedictorian.  

I've given my Valedictory speech.

"I never knew that I'm going to end up as the class valedictorian of this batch.  I never knew that I'm going to give my valedictory speech and no one knew what I've been through before these things happen.  The only thing I knew is I did my very best for my parents who endlessly supporting me to whoever I am..."

Hinahanap ko kung saan nakaupo si Ralph habang patuloy akong nagsasalita.  Sa paglibot ko ng gymnasium kung saan ginanap ang graduation namin, nakita ko siya.  Napakalaki ng kanyang mga ngiti at bahagyang kumaway pa sa akin.  Nakaramdam ako ng tuwa at kaba sa ginawa niya kung kaya't pinagpatuloy ko na lamang ang pagbigkas ng aking talumpati.  Sa tingin ko, wala ng pinakamagandang regalo sa pagiging maayos niyong magkaibigan.  There are things that you must accept no matter how hard it is.  If you will just simply live in what you want, there's a big possibility that you are going to be lonely for the rest of your life.  Live as if there's no tomorrow, but, make sure that you have all those things you've learned from the past.  Sabi nga nila 'di ba, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Do not stop believing that in every failure, there's a success.  

Our graduation day was the last time I saw him.  Painful, at first.  Painful in a sense that the person you used to have during your ups and downs is unfortunately gone.  It's a part of the process.  It's a part of growing up as a person.  Not all people that will come into your life will stay... some of them will just leave you for some reasons... while some will just leave you... WITHOUT ANY REASON.

itutuloy...

How you will get used to being alone?

Join Shiela as she discovers the art of loneliness.