Wherever You Are

Six: How Sweet Remembering Is

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I twirled around and around, my short, silky red dress flying about as music played in my head; each spin making me dizzier. The grass beneath my bare feet was short and soft, as each step I made imprinted it beautifully. Jack sat against a nearby willow tree watching me, laughing occasionally at my dizzy posture.

The Hickory Lane pond was a destination we always loved walking to, for it wasn't just a pond full of roaming ducks and mosquitos, but a wildlife adventure full of everything imaginable. That was most likely what made the moment we shared so special there, for it was like nothing we had experienced before.

"I love you," I blurted out to Jack, raising my hands above my head and spinning around one last time before stopping completely and planting my feet directly towards him. Willow branches hung low to the ground in a messy, confused manner around his delicate, blushing face as he stared wide eyed at me. He looked scared, worried even, but as soon as I smiled gloriously over to him, his facial expressions loosened up.

"I know it has only been a few months of knowing each other, but I really do love you," I said once more, running up beside him and kissing him quick on the lips in a passion that could have set the whole world on fire. And although it wasn't our first kiss, considering the brave deed I had done on his farm, it felt amazing and I didn't want to stop.

"I love you too Charlotte," I heard him mumble once finishing our kiss, his deep gold eyes sparkling with lustfulness. "I have from the very beginning and always will," he smiled to me, as I sat facing him in his lap. Smiling back, as my fingers grasped onto the collar of his tight white shirt, I was the happiest I had ever been. Not even the beauty of the shimmering blue pond we sat before could have beat the feelings he gave.

How sweet remembering is. I thought to myself, as I stopped dead in my snow ridden tracks and looked to the pond before me; my memory of Jack fading away. What was I doing? I thought again, looking down to my freezing, nearly frostbite legs and arms as I wondered why I was doing what I was. Yes, I just saw my drunk husband laying naked on my old friend, but was that a good enough reason to just run away? To run away with my heart on my sleeve, desperate, to Jack I barely knew anymore who was sending me letters and practically stalking me.

Sighing, I pushed all my doubts away and looked once more to the Hickory Lane pond in front of me. I knew in my heart that I couldn't turn back no matter what I was saying, so taking another step forward into the deep snow, I continued walking until I got to that same willow tree Jack and I sat around as kids. The branches dug into the ground as icicles, drooping to form a sort of winter wonderland underneath. The pond before it was rounder than I remembered, with ice coating every inch of it and sealing the water below.

"It's all so different now," I stated to myself, silence following my voice until I heard someone respond in the distance.

"Yeah, nothing like when we were together," the familiar voice said, making me look around fast to try and figure out where it was coming from. Almost if on cue then, I saw him emerge from behind a nearby frozen maple tree and walk on over to me. I wasn't ready, not at all, but he kept walking towards me and I had no control over him in the moment. Arms crisscrossed at my chest for warmth as the cold December air bit me harder, I took a deep breath. Jack was now twenty feet away at the least, walking as steady as I remembered him going fifteen years ago. I couldn't make out any of his facial features, for it was darker than expected, but I knew it was him. I just knew it.

"Jack, I-I," I stuttered, not from the cold that was eating me alive, but from the fear that was escaping into my body the closer my disappeared love got to me. I didn't know what to say, the only words that I even seemed to want to form was his name and I knew that wasn't enough to start any conversation worth having.

Coming closer into brighter view, Jack looked the same. His short, messy brown hair still handsome atop his head, his pale skin still pale, and his chiseled face still the same defined shape. His clothes looked nicer than the ragged ones he had worn before on the farm, making me jealous since I never really did have enough money to buy anything nice like that unless my mom was paying for it. The only thing drastically different that I noticed was his eyes. Fifteen years ago his golden eyes would have held happiness and love, but now...the only thing I noticed dying off in them was sadness and nothing but it.

"It's okay, you don't need to speak," he told me, before coming up completely and wrapping his strong arms around my cold self. Surprised by what he had done already upon just meeting after so long, and by the anger that was rising out of me from nowhere, I didn't hug him back. Instead, I pushed his body away as hard as I could, nearly falling back into the snow from the shove I hit his chest with.

"What makes you think I want a hug?" I asked, my voice shaky as I stared back at him confused. The anger inside of me rose higher the more he stood in front of me so innocently, making me want to curse and cry all at the same time. "You disappeared from my life completely for fifteen years and now coming back you think I want a hug?" I asked once more, as he stood up evenly again and dug his hands into his pockets. I wasn't expecting a response from him at all, since that was just the type of guy he was. He waited for me to finish yelling and screaming before he got any words in, and he knew that was what I liked best.

"If anything, I would really enjoy slapping you in the face right now," I said, crossing my arms against my chest again as a breeze of winter wind blew against my bare skin. "But I can't, even if you did leave and disappear from my life," I ended, looking down at the snow that had been impacted drastically from our footprints.

"Charlotte, I'm sorry," he said, making me look slowly up to him. "I'm sorry for everything and anything that I had done to you, I really am. And I know my words of apology won't do anything to help you sleep better at night, but I truly am sorry," he told me once more, tears starting to form in his saddened eyes. "I just want to talk to you, to the Charlotte that I knew fifteen years ago. To the Charlotte that is caring and forgiving. To the Charlotte that is understanding and loving-,"

"I still am that Charlotte, just coated over with a fine layer of stubbornness," I interrupted him, pushing down my dress to try and cover myself some more for warmth. Smiling at me like he had many times in the past, he responded.

"Nothing wrong with that," he laughed slightly. "I just need you to listen to what I have to say," he ended in a serious tone, facing me in a begging kind of way. Not knowing what exactly the right decision was, I nodded anyway and agreed, something I knew I would have done fifteen years ago.

"Okay, I'll listen, but I have one request..." I hesitated to him, making him tilt his head and ask what it was. "We go somewhere warmer where losing my limbs isn't a possibility," I ended, making him smile once more as his eyes lit up with happiness.

"How about we go back to my place, is that okay?" he wondered, taking off his black jacket and handing it to me. "You can wear this while we walk there, it isn't far, but I don't want you freezing," he said absentmindedly, his white sweater underneath looking even nicer than the jacket he wore. Hesitating with the coat in my hands, I didn't want to give in and put it on, for I was still angry at him for everything he had done in the past, but I was freezing beyond compare and wore it anyways.

"Thanks," I mumbled, his oversized jacket hanging low a bit on me from his tall height as I followed him back through the snow. My mind was a mess then, as the fact that I was with Jack, someone that had disappeared from me for so long, was then in my grasp. Also, what flew around in my head was questions I had been dying to ask him for so long. One question in specific that had been killing me all of those years from not knowing. One question that I was scared to find out, but knew I had to.

The question of why he left.