Nothing more than just best friends || Newtmas AU

The fear of loss

Newt's POV

"Thanks a lot, man." It was Gally, who said that with reproach, not directly to anybody.

"Oh, shut up. You've done enough already." The other boy spoke rather annoyed. "If I were you, I'd get the hell out of here before I hit you in that awful face of yours."

He looked him deep in the eye and the bully eventually started to back down. He then turned his head to us and said:

"My name's Alby." It was the time I realized I hadn't caught his name before.

"I'm Thomas and this is Newt." My best friend said resting his arm on my shoulder.

"Yeah, I know, this guy really enjoyed talking about you two."

He pointed at Gally who walked away and now was sitting in front of the coffee shop, in which Thomas had bought our drinks earlier. The boy noticed he was the subject of our conversation and ostentatiously showed us the middle finger. All of us started to laugh at the same time, he looked surprised and little embarrassed.

"What a dumb shuck." Alby said, trying to hold on laughter. "He's so childish and pathetic. I met him on the bus. The seat next to him was empty, so I joined him. He seemed pretty cool at first. We talked about various stuff, but by midnight, I suppose, he started acting weird. He made a long, but not so nice speech about homosexuality, even though this subject hadn't been brought up before. It wasn't interesting nor pleasant to hear, so I simply cut him off and changed the topic. And then that situation in toilet happened..."

I felt anxiety running through my veins once again that day. Thomas wasn't supposed to know about it. I knew how upset he'd get after hearing the whole story and I didn't want to worry him. But it had already been too late.

"What do you mean? What happened?" He asked hurriedly, obviously concerned.

"Uhmmm... Tommy, I can explain..." I said, my voice shaking with fear.

Alby must have felt the tense atmosphere, because he spoke:

"I have to call my friend, so... excuse me."

I was so afraid to look Thomas in the eye. I thought we would go back to our previous relation after he hears whole story. I wouldn't bear losing him. Not again.

"Newt."

I don't know what in his voice persuaded me to look up at him, but Tommy has that special influence on me. His eyes expressed honest bother and I couldn't keep him in that state any longer.

"But, please, don't hate me after that."

"I could never hate you."

I really wanted to believe him, but something inside me kept me from telling him that story.

Fear.

I didn't want it to end up like a year ago. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself this time. These holidays were supposed to bond us again and I couldn't let such a thing ruin everything. Again. Nonetheless, he deserved an explanation, so I spoke slowly:

"It wasn't even that big deal, you know? I overheard him and Gally talking about us in the toilet and said what I thought about it. Nothing special."

"What exactly did they talk about? Be specific, please."

He didn't sound annoyed, nor impatient. His voice was soft and convincing. At that moment I realized I couldn't lie him straight in the face, he had to eventually find out, anyway. I took a deep breath and was ready to confront with those memories.

"Ogay, so here's the thing." Another deep breath made a quick pause, but gave a little relief. "I went to the bathroom and heard the two of them talking about boys holding hands and sleeping on each other's in public. Alby said he was okay with that, but Gally stance was the exact opposite. And then he said something about stupid nicknames they had been giving each other and I heard my name. By that time I was out of the cabin, staring at them, but not saying anything. I exploded seeing that shucking smile on his lips, I just couldn't help myself."

With every word I could feel my voice cracking more and my eyes watering with salty tears.

"So they thought you and me are together, right?"

"Yes, Tommy! Shucking yes! He must have seen us on the bus and made wrong assumptions. I know we shouldn't have done it! I'm so sorry Tommy... I really am..."

I felt warm tears running down my cheeks, but wanted to look strong, so I closed my eyes trying to hold them back. No results.

In that moment I knew I had screwed it all again. I ended our relationship. He was definitely going to hate me and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it.

"Newt, what are you doing? Stop pinching your arm!" He sounded terrified, but I couldn't open my eyes to see his face expression. "Don't hurt yourself, sweetie."

I didn't even realized when I started to pinch myself, but it didn't hurt at all. Or maybe I just got used to that feeling, I don't know. I decided to open my eyes slowly and stared at my left arm, the same, which I injured earlier that day. I then felt how Thomas' warm hands gently cupped my face, forcing me to look up at him. He started do stroke my cheeks with his thumbs, wiping tears from them. I stared into his beautiful deep dark eyes and got lost in them. For a moment everything was perfect and nothing mattered. I was safe, he protected me and any harm couldn't be done to me.

But then the whole vision disappeared and the harsh reality hit me.

We couldn't do it any longer.

That was wrong.

We were wrong.

Wrong.

Thomas was about to say something, but I gained all of my willpower and slapped away his hands. I felt tears forming in my eyes again, they feel down my cheeks as I shouted:

"Don't, Tommy! Don't! Haven't you realized that yet? Everything we do is so fucking wrong! We can't hold hands and be nice to each other without being judged and considered as boyfriends! Maybe, we weren't supposed to be that close, I don't know. But the thing I know is that every time we're perfect, there's something that fucks it all up. Or I am the one that fucks things up, I don't know. All I want for you is to not get hurt, so I think it would be way better if we just split up and go in two different directions. I don't want to drag you down and be the reason why people gossip about you. I am truly sorry about what happened and I swear I'll do everything to make sure that situation would never, ever appeared again." I needed a pause to take a deep breath and prepare myself for what I was about to say next. "And I know I shouldn't be asking for that, but, please, forgive me, Tomm... Thomas." He looked so hurt, when I called him by his full name, instead of a nickname, but I had to continue. "I don't know how to make it up to you, but I surely will. I am so sorry..."

"Stop it." Thomas said decidedly.

He looked sad, depressed even and the thought that I was the reason he felt that way was gradually killing me, eating my soul piece by piece. I was aware that I hurt him.

I hurt him.

I hurt him, I hurt him, I hurt him.

I don't deserve such a wonderful friend, I never did. And he must have realized that, too.

"Why are you so scared?" His voice sounded calm, but I knew he tried to mask his hatred towards me.

I took a step back, thinking that more space would fill my empty lungs with pleasant air, I didn't noticed I had been holding on my breath. I then saw how Thomas reached out his hand to touch my cheek, but I quickly pulled away. I don't know how was that possible, but he seemed even more vulnerable than before.

That was necessary, I thought.

"Why are you so scared?" He asked again.

I felt like giving him a true answer, which he deserved.

"Because any second from now on you can leave me and I don't want to lose you. Not again."

_____________________________________________________________________________

AGAIN NO EXCUSE FOR ME

But to make it up to you I made a longer chapter yay!!! (I know it's a poor compensation but please give me the last chance)

Hope you enjoyed!

Stay Young and Beautiful xx

And don't hate me please