Your Dirty Little Secret // J.G

Chapter Twelve

Trigger warning: self-harm, it's not vividly described, just mentioned and strongly hinted at. Don't read if triggered easily xx

"Leah, what did you just say to me?" Jack spoke carefully, his eyes wide as he waited for me to repeat what I said after I laid there, stunned into silence.

"I, uh, I don't know." Jack simply shook his head in response, stepping off the bed and walking backwards. I could feel my heart in my throat, everything was going in slow motion. Why the fuck did I open my dumb mouth? I didn't have to say that to him. "I didn't mean it, it was just in the heat of the moment." This is partly true, I wouldn't have said it any other time. But I can't deny that I love him, of course I do. No one's ever treated me the way he does and I know it's just because he's bored of his girlfriend but he bought me flowers and he gives me pet names and he makes me feel wanted! Not to mention I've had a crush on him for the whole of high school as well as spending 4 years with him in my close friendship group, how could I not fall for him eventually?

"A-are you sure?" It hurts me that he sounds so distraught by the idea of me having those feelings towards him, surely it can't be so bad. I simply shrug my shoulders, leaning out of bed to put my sweats back on before looking up at him. "Because you can't feel that way about me, you just can't, okay?" His words come out stern and certain and I can't bring myself to look him in the eye.

"Wait wait wait, so it's cool for you to claim me and fuck me and do all this shit for me but as soon as the concept of 'feelings' comes up it's wrong to you? Are you kidding me? I'm sure it would've been just as bad before." I hear him sigh deeply and I glance up to see him rubbing his face with his hands.

"No, it's not just as bad. I fuck girls all the time, Lee, you're not some special gem that magically made my life better.  You're just another one to add to the list and this love or whatever the fuck you think you're feeling..." So he saw through my lie, I can't say I'm surprised I'm not exactly the best at it under pressure, or at all for that matter. "...isn't supposed to happen. I don't want that." I feel sick, physically sick from his words. 'You're just another one to add to the list.' And here I was thinking this was the greatest love affair in the history of the world.

"I'm sorry, I just thought you liked me."   The words come out muffled and I'm sure Jack's struggling to understand me but he's managing.

"I do like you, you're one of my closest friends but I don't like you that way. It's simple as that. And this wasn't supposed to go anywhere, nothing between us was meant to mean anything. I have a girlfriend." I roll my eyes at his words, ignoring the pain that I'm feeling with each word he speaks.

"Don't play the girlfriend card when you just admitted to sleeping with girl after girl." My voice cracks despite trying to sound strong against him. "I mean, what the fuck did you expect from me? I've liked you for years, of course I'd feel this way. I just wanted you to at least feel something back."

"Well I don't and I can't. I'm sorry but I don't do that. If I'd have known how you felt I wouldn't have done anything." I could feel myself sinking further and further into myself, everyday was getting worse than the last and it was suffocating. "I think it's best we don't talk anymore, you know? Like just keep our distances. Probably best." All I can do is nod my head and stare at the floor beside my bed. He doesn't say bye, just leaves silently and I listen tentatively as his car starts off and drives down my street. Another person I care about - gone.

I take a deep breath, I want to cry more than anything but my tears are already run dry; there's nothing left in me except the hollow guilt of my mistakes. I don't want to go back to how I used to feel, back when I felt like I had nothing going for me in the world, when I felt like it was all pointless so I'd slice my wrists to take away the pain. I couldn't let myself get back to that when I worked so hard to get out. But the darkness is overcoming and it's getting harder to fight it back with each passing day.

Last time I had Sam, he helped me get out and he stopped me from falling back whenever I got close. It hasn't happened like this for a while and I find it sort of ironic that the one person who used to help me is one of the main reasons I'm going back.

It's like a recurring bad dream for me, one that doesn't happen often but each time it does its twice as bad as the last. Each time the darkness gets thicker and each time the urges get stronger and I think to myself, maybe just once it won't kill me. Just once and my mind will be clear. Just once and I can't finally feel better. Except it won't be like that because just once will turn into another time and another time after that until I'm so deep into my own self destructive habits that I can't get out.

"I need help." I speak into the empty house, searching around desperately for anything that could pull me from these urges that are screaming at me in my mind. I reach for my phone and press the number of the one person that obviously doesn't want anything to do with me but he's the only one who can help me.

ring... ring... ring... ring...

The line hangs up after the fourth ring, showing me that he blatantly declined the call. That's okay though, that's expected, I tell myself. There's no need to freak out. But I am freaking out because I have to do something, anything to stop these thoughts. Unless I just let them take over. That's so much less energy to do and it's only going to be once. Just one cut and it'll be better. I tell myself this over and over again until I reach the kitchen drawer and pull out a knife. Just once and it'll all be okay. But then the knife is gone from my hands and I'm not alone with my thoughts anymore - finally, I feel free from the suffocation I was under if only for a short time.