Your Dirty Little Secret // J.G

Chapter Fourteen

It's Friday night and Sammy has barely left my side except when he has school. He claims he's just missed me after not talking for a few days and that he wants to make it up to me, I believe that's part of the reason but I know he's only staying over to keep his eye on me. I'm past that now though, it was a spur of the moment thing but Sammy won't leave and my mom is happy for him to stay as long as it keeps me happy. Sam's been trying to get me to go to school and honestly I would but 1. I'm exhausted after barely sleeping this past week and 2. I can't bring myself to face Jack after the way we ended things. According to Sam, Jack's got no hard feelings but I don't know if I believe that, it's not like Jack can openly talk about his feelings towards me when Sam's the only one that knows about us - again thanks to me so I'm sure he's not best pleased about that either.

"Leah, this movie is so boring, we should do something productive!" Sam whines and I roll my eyes, all this boy ever does is complain, there's always something with Sam. "Let's smoke or something." And I can't help but let out a chuckle at his words; Sammy's idea of doing 'something productive' is getting high, typical.

"Yeah, that's really productive." I retort sarcastically to which he pushes me softly before leaning off the side of my bed and fishing around his bag, probably looking for weed but honestly I'm not in the mood for that today. He jumps slightly as my phone pings loudly beside him on the bedside table, I lean over him to grab it and look at the lock screen. Two texts from Jack. Brilliant, the perfect time for him to text me is when I'm just getting back on track with Sam. 

From Jack:

baby can we talk?

not right now but like sometime soon? i miss you

I stare at the screen for a while longer before locking the screen, choosing to ignore it for now at least because I really don't want to upset Sam any more than I already have in the past few days. "Lemme guess... that was Jack?" He asks me, his words coming out muffled due to the unlit joint hanging out of his mouth as he sits back up. I simply nod my head, waving my phone up to show him that I ignored it and I catch a glimpse of a tiny smile appearing on his lips as he lights the joint. He takes a long drag of it before speaking again. "Why didn't you reply?" The words come out casually as though the answer isn't the most obvious thing in the world. 

"Because I don't want you to hate me again." My words are quiet, I feel uncomfortable admitting that I make some of my decisions based around what Sam would like, it's like it makes me more vulnerable to him when I know for certain he wouldn't even use it against me. "And also, yknow, like he's a dick." I add on the end, but I don't believe that for a second and it's clear Sam knows I don't mean it either. Anyone would think that I'd hate Jack at this point but I don't, not even a little bit. I'd take him back in a heartbeat, he has so much power over me but I'll be strong, if anything just for Sammy.

"Is it true what he said?" Sam turns his head to face me and I knit my brows together in confusion. How the hell am I supposed to know what he said? "That you love him." He clarifies when he sees that I don't fully understand. He offers the joint across to me and I shake my head, Sam just shrugs and takes another hit as he waits for me to think of how to respond to him. Of course I could just say no and that would be that but that would be lying and I'm done with lying to him. I do love Jack, I wish that I could do something to stop it but I just can't and there's no point trying to hide it any longer when I've already told him anyway. 

"Yeah. At first I thought that it would go away, that I was just feeling it because he was finally showing me some attention and you know how long I've had a crush on him." I speak honestly and it feels so good to get this out to someone at last, all these feelings have been bottled up inside me and I'm left with even more reasons as to why I'm thankful for Sam being in my life. "But it just didn't go away and then, well then we had sex but it wasn't like just a casual fuck. Or at least for me it wasn't, I don't know about him. That was it for me then, after that I was in so deep and I can't stop it. I want to but even after the shit he said to me the other day, I can't stop these feelings."

"Then text him back." I stare at him in shock, Sammy is telling me to text Jack? I didn't think he could get so high off a few hits of a joint; that has to be the only reason why he's suggesting this. "I'm serious Leah. Before when I was mad at you, it was because I thought you were being dumb, I thought you were just fucking around. I didn't know you loved him and I just think- I don't want you to throw away someone you love because of me; I don't want to be that friend. All I'm going to say is, if he's not willing to let all the other girls go, then leave him. Please leave him. I won't ever let you down again but don't let him treat you like something you're not, you deserve all his attention or he gets none of yours, it's only fair." 

Sammy's right though, I'm not going to just drop the guy I love but I can't keep seeing him if he's going to fuck other people; either he sorts his shit out or I'm gone. And it'll be hard but I have Sam now, he'll help me through anything but I'm never going to know if I don't give him one final chance.

To Jack:

ok we'll go for coffee tomorrow , pick me up around 12

I look at Sammy after I've sent the text, he's just finishing off his joint throwing the end into the small ashtray he has in his bag. "I'll make sure he doesn't hurt you, I'm not going anywhere no matter what happens." He speaks softly and I feel a warm blanket of safety fall over me as I lean into him. He puts his arm around me and I snuggle down into his chest; I don't think I've fallen asleep this comfortably and contently for a long time and I'd give anything to stay like this forever.