Marcelline couldn't sleep. Saul heard her footsteps in the middle of the night while she tiptoed past his bunk. She was very quiet, careful not to wake anybody. The bus had come to a stop a couple of hours ago. In comparison to the usual jumble, everything seemed very still and quiet. Everyone took the chance to catch the first proper sleep they'd had in days. It'd been a busy week. They were somewhere in Australia. Between cities. The band had been playing at a festival in Sydney and all of their free time had been occupied by the drugs, sex, and partying that entailed.
Festivals were always a big deal. They got to hang out with friends from other bands. Saul used to think the highlight was the sex. Groupies were often shared between bands and female fans were willing to fuck at the drop of a coin. Things had changed since their last festival though. Saul felt above all of that stuff now. He hadn't fucked anyone for weeks because the pressure of everything was really getting to him. He couldn't get the thought of leaving the band off his mind. Saul wasn't sure if he was afraid or excited. Maybe a mix of both.
Saul was drawn to Marcy. He found himself sitting up and pulling the curtain to his bunk aside. The corridor was dark. There were no street lights on outside and the only source of light was from the pale moon, illuminating only the outline of everything on the bus. Saul pushed the covers to the side and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He stood to his feet and padded down the hallway and out the bus door, following Marcy.
The moment he stepped outside the midsummer night air wrapped around him. He wasn't wearing much thanks to the heat. Just a pair of shorts. He'd even tied his hair back, a fruitless effort considering it was wet with sweat anyway. It wasn't so dark out there, where the moonlight was uninterrupted. He could see the concrete beneath his feet. Despite the time of night, it still managed to be uncomfortable hot. And he could make out the shape of the far away trees. Saul wondered what they looked like during the daytime. Probably a whole lot nicer than they did in the dark.
Saul had no trouble finding Marcy. She was hidden on the other side, leaning against the bus with a cigarette illuminating her face. Her eyes were void of color, the pupils so large it felt as though Saul might get lost in them. Marcy took the cigarette from her mouth and sent Saul a small smile when she noticed him. "Couldn't sleep?" She asked softly. Smoke curled out from between her lips as she spoke.
Saul shrugged and came to stand beside of her. He tried to stick his hands in his pockets but only ended up looking like an idiot because he didn't have any. He played it off by resting his hands on his hips, fully aware it was something Axl would do and that wasn't a good thing. "Yeah." Saul lied. He'd been doing a lot of that lately.
"It's the fucking bus. The bunks are bullshit and when we're moving I feel like I'm gonna fall out." She sounded exhausted. Slash knew she'd barely got any sleep lately, although it wasn't for reasons she was likely to admit to. Marcy had been partying harder than anybody else. He couldn't think of a time when she hadn't been high in the past week. And he reckoned she'd had more sex in that same amount of time than most people did in their lifetime. She'd been with Gilby, Axl, Matt, a few chicks and some guys from another band. Everybody but Saul. He hadn't been meaning to keep track of who she fucked. It seemed almost obsessive but he really couldn't help it.
Saul didn't think he'd ever get a turn with her. Now that he was going to leave the band, this tour would likely be the last time he saw her. He didn't think he liked the idea of that. Even this version of Marcy - the groupie - was one he would miss. No matter what, she would always be his first love. Probably his last too. Unrequited love fucking sucked. Saul wanted to be with her. He really did. But he also wanted her to be happy. He could have one but not the other.
Marcy was so beautiful in the moonlight. Even when her lips were bruised from kissing somebody else and her hair was knotted and messy and she had dark circles under her eyes. Because she was still Marcy. She still had those tantalizing lips that curled up a little in the corners when she spoke. And her eyes were still captivating, even if they were forever changing. She reminded Saul of that song, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Marcy was Lucy. She was magical. Beautiful. And no matter how much Saul chased her, he could never keep up. The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
She held out her cigarette to him, raising her eyebrows, silently offering it to him. Saul took it from her. Their fingers brushed and Saul found himself holding back a smile. He hadn't touched her in so long. She still felt as good as ever. "Thanks." He murmured. Saul lifted the cigarette to his lips and took a long drag. The smoke filled his lungs in a soothing sort of way. It had become a more familiar to him than a lover's gentle hand. Sometimes Saul thought maybe it felt better too. He handed it back to Marcy and exhaled in the other direction, careful not to blow any smoke in her face.
"I still have that note you left me." Saul couldn't stop the words from escaping his mouth. He had to say something. He didn't want to leave the band without showing her how he felt. She didn't even know he was going yet. Saul wondered if she'd care. Why would she? Marcy was so much more than him. She was more than life itself. He didn't think she cared about much at all. Definitely not him.
"What note?" Marcy ran her fingers through her hair. She didn't look the slightest bit fazed. It wasn't unusual for her to forget things. Drugs left her memory addled with holes, just as it did for every other addict. She'd grown used to being reminded of things she didn't think she'd done.
Her words stung Saul. She didn't remember? He had never forgotten. Never. Even when he thought she wasn't coming back. But Marcy didn't. Of course. He should have expected it. "The one you left me when you... when you left me." Saul knew he must have sounded like an idiot. He didn't care.
Marcy was probably used to all of this. Guys chasing after her. She was just that type of girl. Impossible to resist. It was easy to obsess over her. It was impossible not to love her. "Oh," Marcy pressed her lips together for a moment. Thinking. Then she smiled a little and Saul's heart warmed. "Did you really keep it all this time?"
Saul felt his face grow hot. A pale blush crept onto his cheeks and he blinked extra hard to keep himself from letting his gaze drop to the ground. "Yeah," He took a deep breath to gather his courage. Saul almost choked. The words nearly got stuck in his throat. But he knew if he didn't say it now, he never would. "Marcy..," He paused again. His mouth was feeling uncomfortably dry. Saul hadn't been this nervous in a long time. "I still love you."
Her eyes followed the cigarette as she took it from her mouth and dropped it to the ground. With a little more force than necessary, Marcy stomped it out with the heel of her foot. It must have hurt. Cigarettes are very hot and she wasn't wearing any shoes. "I know." Marcy lied. She hadn't known.
On the outside she looked composed, almost indifferent, but inside Marcy was kissing him. She was telling Saul she loved him too. Promising she'd never leave again. Marcy couldn't bring herself to do it though. Her last relationship had been with Axl and that had ended awfully. She didn't want a repeat, even though she knew Saul was better than that. He would never hurt her. But she didn't move nonetheless. She didn't do anything. Marcy didn't kiss him. She didn't tell him she loved him. She couldn't promise she'd never leave again.
Saul shifted from foot to foot. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting to happen after he told her but this certainly wasn't the way it was supposed to go. "Do you love me?" Saul thought he knew the answer. She would have already told him if she felt that way.
Marcy just laughed that pretty, melodic laugh of hers and shook her head. She shrugged, avoiding eye contact. Words couldn't sum up how she felt and she'd rather lie than to show him a side to herself she hadn't let out in a long time. One that was soft and gentle and afraid and compassionate all at the same time. So she didn't say anything because it was better to pretend than to let him in.
