Saul wanted to lock the doors, turn off the lights, and withdraw from society. He wanted to wait until the storm blew over - until he could leave the band and run away from this all. He dreaded every night when he would walk on stage and hear the crowd roar with excitement. It felt like he was living a lie. Pretending to enjoy this life he'd made for himself. Leaving the band was the right decision. It was over. He was done.
Of course, he didn't get a single moment alone. Being a musician was much more social than anybody outside of the business would guess. Saul was always being interviewed or playing a show or getting high with another band. He didn't have much of a choice in it. Saul knew he couldn't just disappear. He had to maintain a high social profile to stay in the spotlight. Even in these few fleeting moments of fame, he knew it was important.
So there he was, in Duff's hotel room, sitting on the floor and leaning against the bed beside Marcy. They hadn't talked about what he said the other night. Slash didn't want to bring the subject up again. Not now he knew how she felt. Plus, there was no point of ruining the time they had left together. He loved her and it was just going to be left like that.
Gilby tapped Slash's shoulder and handed him a dirty needle. They often passed things around like that. It didn't matter if anyone contracted a disease from an unclean needle, none of them expected to live much longer anyway. What was life without a little risk?
Slash found he just wasn't in the mood. Usually the needle called to him. Just the thought of it could make his skin itch. But not today. He wasn't sure why. It shouldn't have been so easy to turn down the drug. Saul should have been reluctant. He knew himself well enough to know that.
Without really thinking, Saul passed it to Marcy and turned his head to the others. He tuned into the conversation. It was mainly incoherent mumbling, drifting back and forward between Gilby and Duff. "It's not Matt's fault," Gilby murmured quietly. "You can't keep blaming him." The conversation seemed private but Slash didn't care enough to stop listening. He knew just about everything there was to know about the two of them anyway.
"I know, I know," Duff babbled. He was barely audible at all. His words ran close together and didn't travel far. "I can't help it though. Who else am I supposed to blame? Myself?"
Saul tried to discreetly turn his head in the other direction while Marcy prepared herself for the needle. He still wasn't used to seeing her do that sort of thing. To be honest he still wasn't used to seeing himself do it either. Saul still surprised himself everyday with the awful, dirty things he did. His mom would have been so upset to see him like that. The drugs, the sex and the partying was all a touch too much. If it was possible to overdose on life, Saul was well on his way down the right track.
"You should be pissed at Axl." Gilby replied in a bitter tone. Slash was a little surprised by it. He had always thought Axl and Gilby were good friends. Maybe he was wrong. After all, Slash hadn't been very observant lately. He much preferred to withdraw into his on head than face to world around him, even more so now his life with the band was beginning to draw to a close.
The more Slash sat there, the more he wanted to say something about his imminent departure. He was going to miss the all, especially Marcy. He felt they deserved to know now, not a week before he left, like what had happened with Izzy. It seemed right to inform them earlier. Saul didn't want to spring it on them as some huge surprise at the last minute.
Now was the best time to tell them all. Everyone was relaxed and drugged up enough that he knew they wouldn't react in any extreme way. They probably wouldn't realize the importance of what he said until the next day, when they sobered up a little. Then they might speak their minds about it, but that was future Saul's problem now.
So he said it. Without really thinking the words just slipped out of Saul's mouth. "I'm leaving the band." He spoke rather loudly. More than enough to catch their attention. And as if on queue, Marcy, Gilby and Duff all turned their heads to him, looking completely taken aback.
The blood drained from Marcy's almost instantly. Her eyes widened and her mouth actually fell open. Well, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. Her lips just parted in a cute sort of way that made Slash's breathing catch in his throat. He could never seem to get over how cute she was.
Both Duff and Gilby sat straight up. Their reactions were quite similar; furrowed eyebrows and lips pressed into a grimace. Duff tried to scrape his hair back from his sweaty face and Gilby pulled his out from its ponytail. Neither of them looked them slightest bit pleased. "What?" They both exclaimed.
"It's all sorted," Slash shrugged, suddenly feeling squeamish under their gaze. He couldn't fight away a wave of guilt. Maybe now wasn't the right time. "All I need to do is sign some shit and them I'm out."
"Why?" Macy asked sharply. She didn't sound very happy for him at all. In fact, her face was set in a scowl. It was clear she didn't approve of Saul's decision. "Why are you leaving?"
Slash just shrugged again. He didn't know the answer. Not really. There were a million reasons but not one seemed viable when she was asking. The others seemed to understand though. Maybe they could explain it to her for him because Saul certainly couldn't.
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Sorry it's been so long since I updated. I've been moving house and finishing off my exams and stuff. I don't know how long it will be until the next chapter but there are only three or four left in this story anyway.
Song: In My Mind by Amanda Palmer
