Hold My Heart Like A Hand Grenade:

You're an Idiot. Me? Oh Thanks.

We got off the bus slowly. I anticipated the hell I was about to walk into and, I have to admit, I was glad to have at least one person by me. Sara may not know everything about Green Day but she knew enough and she gave me a chance. I'm old enough now to realize you don't just throw those away because you may never get another one. So anyways, we got off the bus and Sara and I walked toward the enterance of the school. The big, bold letters spelling out 'Berkley California High' right above our heads was kind of daunting. My palms began to sweat and I got warmer and warmer with each step we took toward the doors. I was nervous. Nervous enough to pass out when suddenly, I had a series of flashbacks...

* "Nobody likes you! Go home you stupid idiot! You're a loser and an outcast and no one wants you here!" Jazzmine screamed at me one day in the lunch room. I panicked and had nothing to say. I dropped my head and began to cry as everyone started to stare. I wish I would have said something like, "I am an Idiot and a proud one thank you." But I didn't.*

Flash forward...

*He moved his hand lower and lower inching his way to my pants. I didn't want this. I wasn't ready. "Stop!" I cried, but he wouldn't. I wish I would've broken up with him sooner. I wish I would've tried harder to make him stop and protected myself. I wish I weren't so vulnerable.*

Flash forward...

*"Be careful, he's going to take advantage of you." My old best friend told me. "No he won't." I replied, too 'in love' to see the truth. I was wisped away by him and had the best makeout of my life...Until he said, "Look, it's just never gonna happen. Me and you we just don't work. There's too many problems." Then he walked away. I wish I would've listened to her. I wish I broke his heart. I wish my heart was gone.*

"Sammi, Sammi come back." I faintly heard Sara's concerned voice. "Huh?" I said, unaware that I stopped moving. "What happened?" She asked me, sounding genuinly scared. "I must have zoned out," I told her, "I had this flashback of last time I moved.' Suddenly she told me not to worry, that things would be different here. I wanted to believe her but would they really be any different? Maybe. This time I'm going to be more prepared I told myself. Less vulnerable and more cautious. With all my nervous breakdowns out of the way we were ready to start the week. It was gonna be a long one, but hopefully not too long.

We walked into the high school slowly. I was nervous and Sara could tell. She quickly tried to calm me down by showing me around. "This is the first floor...Clearly." She said with a thoughtful pause giving me time to giggle. The only problem was, I didn't. "So over there is the lunch room and that's the direction of the extra curricular rooms," she continued. Then she guided me to the second floor."So on this floor we have the English and Science rooms and then the third floor's basically the same except Math." She mapped out the school so perfectly you would've thought she lived there. As I was busy people watching my new peers and day dreaming about classes Sara asked me if I had any questions. I paused thoughtfully then said, "Does this place have any music rooms?" I asked. "Y'know like radio or something like that." I further explained myself. Sara needed no more explanation though because something I said had just registered in her mind. She bounced up a bit and said, "Yeah! We have the band room of course and then there's a radio room too but I have a feeling you're gonna like this next thing better." Already filled with excitment I suddenly couldn't care less about whatever else she had to say but, being that she was my only 'friend' I asked hew what she had in mind. "Well..." Sara said slowly dragging out the word. "We do have this one room. It's called the recording room." I stopped dead in my tracks. "Explain." I said needing to know immediatly what she was talking about. "It's for kids in bands that need publicity. There's a lot you can do in there though like recording a demo or playing a live show for the radio. The only thing is...You gotta be good. Oh! And, it helps to know people." My mind began spinning with ideas and I knew that that room was going to my future. I would get it there, no matter what.

I opened my mouth to ask Sara a questions but just as I did, the bell rang. "We better go!" Sara said taking my schedual out of my hands to glance through it. She looked up with excitment and said "Hey! We have the same first period." So, while Sara led me to class I once again began people watching and hoped with all my heart that this time would be different. 'I know it will' I told myself trying to make it believable. It has to be. Sara began talking to me and telling me stories as we walked but I quickly zoned out to my own day dreaming world. All my worries floated away and it was once again me and Billie face to face on stage. He handed me the mic and, looking at Mike, Billie nodded then turned back to Tré and did it again. As if on cue the whole band and myself broke out into song. Jesus of Suburbia. Perfect.

Before I knew it we were in class. 'Oh great' I thought to myself as I scanned the room. "If you wanna know anything about the music room, those are the guys to talk to." Sara said nodding her head slightly to the far corner of the room. I turned to look and noticed what seemed to be the only decent people in the room, aside from possibly being cocky. It was a group of three, decent looking guys. All three of them had blonde hair just different styles and two looked like they could have been related. "Who are they?" I asked Sara hoping I could get some kind of heads up. "There should be another one but they're a group of kids that have a band here. They're the best garage band and they play at almost all the parties. If you want in on the recording room they're the ones to do it." This could prove to be a big opportunity for me, I had to plan carefully. I began to develop several ways to go about this when the bell rang again signaling the start of class. Sara showed me to a seat in the back row kind of close to the three boys. 'Here we go' I thought because I was sure that things were about to go downhill.

Not even twenty seconds into class the teacher had already picked me out. Somehow, all the way in the back, wearing dark colors, and slouched in my chair, he still noticed me. "MY NAME IS MR.MALLORY!" He shouted in a booming voice. Actually, booming isn't the word to describe it cuz he coulda caused a freaking earth quake the way he was yelling. After that he quieted down a bit or rather, stopped causing the earth to shake. He did the usual 'I see we have a new student' acte even though he already knew and was expecting me. As a way to make me feel welcomed, which really only made me feel awkward, he told the students to each say their name and something about themselves, I would go first. "Say something about the music." Sara said in a hushed tone as she nudged me. 'She's right' I thought, this would be the perfect opportunity to grab their attention. Mr.Mallory told me to stand up and speak clearly so everyone could hear me, the first thing I said was "After all your screaming I'm not sure anyone can hear anything at all." Waiting to get a glare from him the class giggled, but he didn't glare or even say anything about being disrespectful. In fact, I'm pretty sure he laughed too! Then he said, "Looks like I have some new competition here." He hesitated a moment to try and get to me but he failed. "You see miss Samantha, you've just made this an open field between me and you. My only rule is, if you're gonna do it, do it right. No bad jokes." When he was finished I said simply, "Sammi. I don'nt like being called Samantha, it's to nice and preppy. By the way that's spelled with an 'I' and no 'E' and definetly not a 'Y.'" He looked at me as if searching for a response to his comment about bad jokes so, to gibe him what he was looking for, I said "Oh, and I don't tell bad jokes." "Very well." He said and asked me to tell the class something about myself. Before I began he said something along the lines of 'this should be fun.' So, already standing I began. "Well, at least you all already know my name." I said to the class. I continued by saying, "I'm originally from Chicago and music is my entire life. Specifically punk music because those people don't give a shit about what other people think and to be honest, neither do I. I play pretty much every instrument there is and I used to be in a band until I left Chicago. They already found someone to replace me, but I still need people to replace them." I was hoping the whole punk music thing would get the three guys' attention and the part about replacing my old band-mates would get the other people's attention. Hopefully I could pull together another band and what better place to start a punk band than Berkley, California. The birth place of Green Day and with them, punk. I sat down again and noticed the three guys whispering to eachother and one of them looked over at me quickly. 'God I hope that worked' I thought.