My biggest fear is that one day you will see me the way I see myself. Because you may say you love me and the words may leave your lips like they're the easiest phrase to say in the world but what if that changes. When i look in the mirror I see a reflection of every single small insecurity I've ever felt mapped out onto a landscape I wish was too small to fill. A landscape that I cannot cover with a fake smile or a baggy shirt but I can damn well try. And no matter how fast I run, how much I gag or skip I seem to remain the same size. I fantasise about ripping myself to spreads in order to fit my high expectations, to remove the toxicity in my life that just happens to be my own flesh. I want so much out of life and out of us. I wish you could carry me like a bag of feathers without breaking a sweat or a bone. I wish you were able to wrap your arms around me twice with room to spare. I wish my body was completly empty and my healthy bones stuck out in pride of my accomplishment but I doubt that will ever happen because I'm an inconsistent failure. I'm terrified of being covered in this supposedly healthy blanket of fat. But my biggest fear. God my biggest fear is that one day you will see me as I see myself. That you will look up and down my body and see nothing but fat rolls and you'll roll away towards someone who fits your expectations of perfection. That's all I want to be. Perfection. And one day I will be. And put my mind at ease.
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Poetry
PoetrySome spoken word poetry I wrote when I was in a pretty horrible place , but now feel comfortable publishing because I'm okay again :)
