zero

two

on a scale of one to ten, how much do you want to kill everyone in the room?

five.

-

my mother has a habit of bickering with herself. that's why i lay on my bed as she paces about my room, picking up random clothes strewn around on the floor and attempting to establish some concept of 'clean' in here.

i hate her for it.

"mom, you really don't have to. it's fine," i interrupt, hoping she'd hear over her senseless mumbling about work and my siblings.

she stops, looking at me with one of those soft, pitying smiles i loathe. "are you sure? i just don't want you to be overwhelmed with all this.."

"i like the way it is. i know where my stuff is. it's fine."

she just nods, dropping the shirt she had just picked up onto my desk chair. she walks over, bending down to kiss my head. "i have to go out for a little bit, run out to pick up some pills and food. are you going to be okay on your own?"

i try not to roll my eyes. "i'll be fine, mom. i won't do anything."

she kisses my head, again, and i try not to pull away from it. "okay, well i'll be back in probably in hour. i love you."

"love you too."

finally, she leaves and i'm left to be with my own thoughts. i like when my room is a mess. it's a metaphor for my head and there's something calming about that.

stretching, i sit up and look around my room but to make sure she didn't mess anything up too much. she didn't, thankfully. i get up to grab my hoodie off the floor, pulling it on and zipping it up.

an hour to myself. that's the most i get a week, when i'm not pretending to sleep, and i have no idea what to do with it.

i sit down in my desk chair and sigh, looking at the cluttered notes on my desk. song lyrics, desperate thoughts, stupid drawings. my mom would have a heart attack if she ever read any of them. that is, if she would even understand.

i glance about my room aimlessly: upon my piano, my pile of books i've read a million times, more clothes that haven't been washed in weeks. my eyes finally land on my window and the green oasis beyond it.

trees have always managed to calm me down. they're stable, they know their purpose.

i haven't been in the forest behind my house in years.

well, i do have an hour to spare...