Mr. Wallis

Part 52

After the meal, we parted ways because I had asked for some time alone. Even though I couldn't bare to part with them, I did need time to collect my emotions, and examine them. Some of them weren't needed.

The damn plaza we always would walk in beamed with the evening sun, and my heart wanted badly for Mathew to show up out of the blue, just like he always did. As I walked, my feet followed our usual trail, and I ended up in the park sitting in the same bench.

"Okay, so...what do I do now?" I ask the birds above me to give me some sort of advice or sign. Chirping without a care, one scoots, ruffles it feathers, and as I smile, that little asshole shits. It lands a couple inches away from my lap. Slouching, my eyes slant. "Ah, heh, nice."

Focusing on the grass, I lean back and exhale. I let the thoughts of each Wallis come and go till finally I had hit the beginning; Kurt. I didn't want to cry, not this time. Stressing for control, I pick out all the wonderful words he had wrapped up, and sent me. Stories filled my head, and I chuckled alone as if they were a film playing right before my eyes.

Suddenly my heart throbbed deeper, then froze. A warmth I had always felt when receiving his letters washed over me. Tears slid out my eyes as I gasped a smile.

Are you next to me? I mentally asked as I shut my eyes. Kurt, my Mr. Wallis, it felt as if had appeared  down right next to me on this clear blue day.

"I..I know what you'd tell me," I whisper softly while imagining his eyes, and every wrinkle that dipped in his face. "You'd say that love was real regardless of how long it existed. Two seconds, two years...eternity. But, I failed. I still can't tell what love I am supposed to give, or receive."

Sighing, I laugh at my own imagination. My chest can feel the vibrations of his laugh, too. I would have loved to meet him, though now it might be too late. Not that I would change anything; his letters were the greatest gift I have gotten from years of friendship. If I had never placed that ad looking for a pen pal, then I wouldn't have had this rollercoaster adventure with three daring men.

Four if I count you, too, you old devil. The picture of Kurt suppressing a grin makes me smile. My eyes were still closed, and I feared to open them. I didn't want to see the truth; that no one was truly next to me. That I was alone.

I can't show intimacy, Kurt, can I? Not to a real person. Guess your plan didn't work...thank you for trying.

A flash of sunlight caused the whispering memory of Mathew's lips on mine. My lids fluttered as my brown eyes became gold as they bathed in daylight. The thought ended with my hands on Mathew's shirt. Crossing my brows I peer in deeper, and see that it was when we last kissed.

"I kissed him." I stated with full eyes open. The memory of me pulling him in had drove back into my brain. "I kissed him!"

The wind caressed me as I bit my lip with the slight shard of joy.

I had shown my feelings. I had done it.

Standing up I walk away, and ball up my fists. "You were right!" I almost giggle at my firm voice. As I look to the skies, I feel the presence of a dear friend smiling down on me. The picture of him, laid out on his bed with a grin shot back at me made me smile even wider. "My love for Mathew...my love for him might be real, but that doesn't mean it has to last, and that's okay. I will go on, and find other more to love."

Kurt, you better give them all a high five when your boys return!

My heart starts to beat once more, and that when I realize my phone has been vibrating nonstop. Checking the missed calls, and texts, I see they are all from Peter, and Jack. Again it rings, and I quickly answer.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I cross my arm around my waist while shifting my weight onto my hip.

Peter's voice trembles a little at first, but I understood it as if he had written it across the wide skies. "My father has passed away."

Could a mind turn white? That is what happened. I saw nothing, and my phone slipped from my fingers. The thumping in my chest cried louder as I took slow steps further from the bench.

"Kurt?" My low voice asked for him to stop playing around, to get up from his slumber, and speak. Though he was miles, and an entire body of water away, I prayed he'd say something. I was not going to have him be declared dead.

The word itself tasted putrid, and numbed my tongue as my lip trembled. "You are not dead."

Small voices call out my name. I hug myself, and look down to see my phone still on. My lashes were thick with tears, and the blurred light that peeked through only made a spell out of the entire scene. I was not here anymore.

"Lania, Lania, where are you?!" Peter's voice rang through the grass blades. "Answer, please!"

As if my knights came together to save me, Jack's voice came next, and he called out even louder.

Don't come trying to console me. You are the ones who just lost a father. I cried silently. My knees gave in, then I huddled down into the soil, over the phone, and the weigh of their own sadness piled up on me.

Hanging up the call, I slowly face the bench. My glossed eyes could see him so well just sitting there.

I blinked a handful of times to try and get my thoughts straight, but with a wave, and smile, he left.