Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

Empathetic

Layne and I sat in a secluded booth in the back of the diner. It was late at night but I still didn't want to sit in the middle of the restaurant. It had been a while since I actually ate out. Eating at a diner felt really special at this point, even though this specific place was dark and dingy. We were quiet for so long. Even in the hospital we hadn't really talked much, and he usually had something to say.

Layne eyed the pitcher beside me.

"Hey can I have the water?"

I smiled and handed it over.

"So uh," he stuttered, playing with . "How's work?"

It was so nice being asked about work. Even though it was usually long and rough, I liked being able to vent about it; Jerry never really gave me a chance to. We didn't talk when I got home and barely talked the next morning.

"It's good," I replied.

Layne shook his head. His hair went with it. It had been getting longer at this point, like it was in late eighties and early nineties. His natural blond was coming back too.

"C'mon, I know that's not true."

"Well, for the most part..." my voice trailed.

"Olivia..."

"Alright," I said sarcastically. "You're right it sucks. It really fuckin' sucks."

Layne started to laugh. I laughed as well. It had been so long. From an outsider's perspective, it probably looked like we were happy, but the underlying tone in our conversation was so, so different. Layne started looking around the restaurant.

"Where's our food and waiter? It's been a while since we ordered and it's not like there are a lot of people here."

"Hey," I said. "Give him a break. He probably got something spilled on him...like coffee...that always sucks."

"Yeah you're right. I shouldn't complain. Hey so me, Mike, and Sean are gonna jam on Wednesday. Dave Grohl said he would come in and play guitar with us."

I raised my eyebrows in suspicion. "Does Jerry know about it?"

"Liv, you know he's in no condition to play. We just miss playing together. It's been almost two months since we played as a band, even just practiced."

"I know...but...."

Layne just smiled and that was enough to convince me. Wednesday was my only day off and I guessed that would be better than watching Jerry deteriorate before my eyes. The rest of the band definitely needed to be uplifted.

"Alright, fine."

"Yeah, you need to get out of that damn apartment. Here's what you need to do. You need to tell Jerry that you're working Wednesday as an excuse."

I sucked in my teeth.

"Olivia you know that he lies to you all the time, right?"

"Yeah but he can't help it. It's not his fault."

"Liv, don't make excuses for him. As someone who used to be in his same exact spot, I'm tellin' ya that making excuses for him is not going to help him."

"I just want him to get better, ya know? I love him."

"I know you love him. I love him too, but you can't ruin your own life because he is. I know how aggressive he can be when he's high. I don't want him to snap at you and hurt you."

It was really nice that he was so concerned. It was the first time in a while that someone was concerned, so I got a little defensive about it. I wasn't worried about Jerry's aggression. He usually just passed out, or threw things, but not in my direction.

"Layne I can take care of myself."

"I know you can, but Jerry can't and it shouldn't be your responsibility to take care of him too. He's your fiancée, not your kid."

I was silent. I had no response for him.

"Listen, Olivia. I understand. I understand everything. When Demri was really sick, I was doing the same thing. Eventually it took me down so much, and I was just like the way you are right now. If I hadn't cut her loose a bit, then I would have no life right now."

I started to break down. "Then what am I supposed to do?"

"You need to stop giving him money," he said sternly.

"I'm n-"

"Yes you are," Layne interrupted. "I know Jerry has no money right now, Liv. You're enabling him and I know it can be hard not to, but giving him all your hard-earned cash is where you should draw the line."

I looked down at the table.

"Olivia I'm just trying to look out for you, okay?" he said, putting his hand on my arm from across the table.

I gave him a smile and he returned one back.