Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

So Much Time

I was prepared to support Olivia no matter what. Before we both could have imagined, she was six months pregnant. Even though she complained about her size, she looked so fuckin' beautiful. She had to continue waitressing to support the three of us. She was about to leave one day when I stopped her.

"Liv, can I have your debit card?"

"Why?"

"I wanna finally buy that crib we were looking at at the store. They can deliver it same-day."

Olivia's face lit up. "Aww...okay."

She pulled her wallet out of her purse and gave it to me. We kissed quickly and Olivia was out the door. Minutes after she left, I walked down the street a bit and hopped onto the bus to use the closest ATM. For some reason, she let me use it and for some reason she gave me the pin. Did she really trust me with it? She shouldn't have. I took out nearly everything left in her account at the ATM and went to my "guy."

Luckily it was a very quick transaction and I was back home not too long after I left. It was so relieving to push the syringe in and let it consume me. It had been so long. I felt so much better, and so much worse. The monster in me was tearing me up from the inside out, especially when I stared at the coffee table. A picture of Olivia and I from a few years before was sitting on it, right next to the picture of the most recent ultrasound.

I couldn't wait to meet my baby boy and yet I was letting him down before even meeting him, before he even had a name. He already had a shitty dad.

"I'm sorry, little guy," I said out loud as I injected another needle into my hand.

My arms were so fucked up, along with my head and finally my life. Liv told me over and over that I had to clean myself up before the baby was born. I wasn't sure if she knew I was still shooting up. She was smart though, and more on top of my game than I was. What was left of my junkie brain played different scenarios side-by-side as the days passed.

At first, I would see me, playing with my son. Olivia would be cooking dinner and the three of us would sit down to eat together. I would be writing and playing new songs for a new Alice in Chains album. I'd be walking my son into school and playing music for him and playing with him in the yard of our huge house that I have provided. We would have the world at our feet. We would have all the time in the world.

In another vision I'd just see Olivia and the baby. She'd be struggling to make money and balance everything. She'd be doing the best she could as a mother, making sure that our son was the happiest kid in the world. I wouldn't be around anymore and Alice in Chains will have moved on without me with another guitarist, with someone who had their shit together.

I cleaned up my mess and waited for her to come home. She came home, very excited. "I wanna see the crib. You got the one we looked for, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah I paid for it but they had to put in an order for it because they were out of stock. It should be comin' in about two weeks."

Shit why am I doing this to her.

"Oh," she sighed. "Well I can't wait to see it. We still have so much to get."

"Layne's told me he'd chip in too," I said. "He said he'd buy us a couple of things."

We both collapsed in bed. Olivia fell asleep in my arms, exhausted from what I would assume was grueling shift. I placed my hand on her stomach after kissing it. I felt him moving. I felt the human life inside of her growing as I felt myself decay. The kicking woke her up quickly after she fell asleep. She smiled and it was an especially beautiful smile the closer she got to her due date. She laughed a little.

"Jeez he's really excited in there. What the hell is he doing?" she asked.

"Maybe he's playin' air guitar and he'll need some lessons when he's old enough."

Liv shook her head, still smiling. She placed her hand back on her stomach and closed her eyes. "No. He's definitely a drummer."

"Well," I said, brushing my fingers against her forehead. "I can't wait to figure it."

"I love you, Jer," she whispered.

"I love you too," I responded.

How was I going to explain the withdrawal from her bank account without a crib to show for? I had to come up with an excuse for her. I also had to come up with a plan of how I was going to score my next round of junk. There could only be so many more times that the bank would issue her a new card. There was only so much time...period.