Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

Breaking the Habit

Jerry had been using my card for junk. I don't know how I could have been so clueless. The bank investigated and looked at the ATM that had a camera in it. He had used it three times to take money out. My plan was to guilt him out of telling me, or being indirect about knowing what he had done, dropping little hints in conversations. His poor attempt at being sneaky squandered this plan, forcing an early confrontation. One afternoon I came back inside because I didn't have my keys with me. They were on the bed. Jerry was rifling through my underwear drawer, where I had my emergency wad of cash hidden. I had no idea how he knew about it. Maybe it was too obvious of a spot. He didn't even notice that I was there at first.

I dramatically cleared my throat to startle him.

"L-Liv..."

My tears burned in the corners of my eyes. I shook my head and turned around to leave the bedroom.

"Liv," he said, following me.

I turned around and smacked him in the face. Luckily he hadn't been lashing out at me since I was pregnant. At least he cared about his son. I wished he would care about me, even just a little.

"Liv I'm sorry."

"Don't you care about us?" I asked, placing my hand on my very large stomach.

"Of course I do. Don't be ridiculous."

I gasped harshly. "Don't fuckin' tell me I'm being ridiculous. You've been draining all the money I've ever made from my account and the money I'm making now. What's going to happen when the three of us need a place to live because we can't afford this apartment? What's going to happen when our son is hungry? How are you going to be a good dad when you can't give him the basics and when you're the reason he can't get what he needs?"

"Liv I can't be a good dad when I'm goin' through such bad withdrawal," he said, surprisingly calm.

"What?" I yelled. "Jerry we need to save money."

"Layne has money."

"Yeah but this baby," I said, pointing to him again, "this baby boy is OUR responsibility, not Layne's. You're not even trying. The least you could do is help me save this money, or plan for the things we need to get for him. Making a list is the least you could do. I mean for fuck's sake he doesn't even have a bed to sleep in right now."

"You're being so ungrateful right now. I gave you a child!" he yelled.

I shook because I anticipated the anger getting really bad, and it did. No one knew, at this point, if he gave me a child. Jerry didn't even know that there was a question about it. He began throwing lamps and chairs everywhere. I had to get out of there. I couldn't be late for work and I couldn't allow him to hurt my baby. He stayed in the back of the house and didn't follow me out. I held my car keys tightly in my hand and took the ring off my finger, turning around to go back to him. I slammed the ring on a little table, in front of yet another picture of us. It stopped his rage. I bit my lip as he started to cry and gag. He was about to get sick. I couldn't watch so I didn't. I didn't have to say a word.

I went to work and I couldn't function very well, barely making it through the shift. Halfway through the night, my boss dismissed me. I hopped in my car and I couldn't go home and going to see Layne wasn't something I wanted to do either. I wouldn't be able to look him in the face. He warned me about all of this.

I felt like seeing Layne contributed to the cycle of giving in and going back to Jerry. My finger had a mark from wearing the ring for so long. I looked at the fuel gauge on my car. I had enough to get to where I needed, but not enough to get back. That was exactly what I needed.

My mother and I hadn't spoken in years. I wasn't sure that being pregnant would be enough. My naked finger alone, though, would be enough for her to allow me to come back into her house. I cried the whole drive to Portland. It was so dark and so late but no amount of exhaustion would stop me. Even though I didn't even have enough money to stop for food, I hadn't felt so free in a long time.