I opened a drawer below my side table and get a pack of cigarette and lit a stick. It was dark. But the moonlight engulfs the darkness of my room with its innocent light that reminds me of her immaculate face.
I closed my eyes and saw her, her smiles and her laughs, the way her hair sways with the air and its strawberry scent. I missed her, every bit of her.
"Samantha.." Mahal pa din kita.
It was not a denied fact that I had so fallen for you. But it was never your fault, because I willingly jump to get drowned in the depths of you. And when I reached the bottom, it was an empty floor; then I shattered because of falling too deep.
You were worth it all. I was wounded but at least I got you, at least I had you. Worrying less that it doesn't anymore matter whether or not I am broken or fixed because I already proved my love for you.
Pero hindi pa rin pala sapat.
I love you so much that I forget loving myself. I broke myself by loving you too much but it was never your liking to love a broken man.
So the love I selflessly offered never came back.
And the scars of the love that broke me never healed.
Since then, I was never the whole me I used to be.
But because I love you, I decided to be contended in my brokenness.
The miserable broken man you'll never love has remained broken and will continue to be broken until time ends.
I looked up the moon and I was mesmerized by its beauty.
I wonder if you're looking at it too. I wonder if you're also wondering if there is someone on the other side doing the same thing as you. I hope you were thinking that I do, that I do think of you while I look at the moon.
I felt a cold drop of liquid that flows down my left eye, a teardrop.
"It was never a hard thing to love you Samantha. I just never realized until now that it was not the right thing to do."
Back when I was whole, hindi ko naisip na hindi ka worth it sa pagsasakripisyo ko. All I ever devoted myself with, was loving you. Kasi akala ko matutunan mo kong mahalin. Kasi akala ko pwede na mahalin mo yung tao na nagparamdam sayo ng karapatdapat lang na minamahal ang tulad mo.
Nakakatawang isipin na wala man lang akong nakuhang kapalit para sa pagmamahal ko. Hindi sa naghahangad ako, pero kasi kahit pagpapahalaga hindi ko natamo. Am I not worth loving? Am I not worth your love, Samantha?
Para akong treasure box na inialay lahat ng meron ako para ikasaya mo, at pagkatapos, noong naubos, bigla akong nawalan ng silbi kaya isinantabi, lahat na kinuha mo sakin, pwera ako.
Doon ko naisip kung tama ba na minahal kita? I was broken and hurt. What would you expect me to feel?
Kinuha mo lahat sakin, kasama yung pagmamahal ko para a sarili ko. Kaya eto ako ngayon, miserable, nasasaktan. Mali din naman ako e. Kasi hindi ko dapat ginawa yun, hindi ko dapat hinayaan na makapante ako sa pag aakala na posibleng mahalin mo din ko.
Kaya, tama pa ba? The broken me wants to know the answer. Tama nga bang minahal kita? Kasi kung tama na minahal kita, bakit ang sakit?
Akala ko kasi tama e. Putangina! Sa sobrang pag aakala, buong pagkatao ko nasira!
Pero kahit na alam ko na na mali ako, I can't make myself believe it. Hindi ko masikmura na magalit sayo, na sisihin ka, kasi mahal na mahal kita. Pero hindi mo kayang makita yun, or maybe, just maybe, you never want to see it.
You had taken me for granted and get everything from me.
And what I want to know is if you were happy after you broke me.
Please say, yes. Kasi kung hindi ka pa masaya baka ikamatay ko na. Ang sakit isipin na hindi pa sapat lahat ng sakit na binigay mo sakin para ikasaya mo. Tangina, tuwang tuwa kang paglaruan ako, tapos hindi ka kuntento?
Ni hindi ko na magawang mag isip ng tama kasi sirang sira na ako.
Eto ang epekto mo.
Ganito kita kamahal na kahit ikasira ko, okay lang.
Halos mabaliw ako sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sayo.
Pero kagaya nga ng sabi ko, it was never your fault. Kasi ginusto ko to.
I broke myself into million pieces and be nonsense. It was all for you, pero hindi mo pinahalagahan.
~*~
KYLL is pronounced as /KYLE/
