You were a friend, near yet distant-someone who was too broken by the past year and had struggled to become great for the present. I admired you for the hardwork, for your kind of love, for letting me know you, for being a good friend, a great combination of naughty, nice and wise.
And then destiny played little tricks on us-and you... became mine.
You were surprisingly sweet, caring, possessive, insecure, childish, mature-and in love. All of these were too good to be true. It was hard to believe that I was actually able to touch you, hug you, kiss you and own you. You said it yourself, that YOU. ARE. MINE.
And I merrily believed those. I believed in them as if I was some eight year old kid who was promised to be brought to Disneyland. You do not know the joy it brought me every time you ask me not to let you go, to never leave you, because for you, I was also something you thought you'll never have but was unbelievably becoming yours, officially.
It was bliss, that someone was actually scared to lose me.
Time passes by and I got to know parts of you that you never showed the world, those parts that would make a woman regret not falling for, but seated in the depths inside were powerful shadows trying to eat up your light.
You were a diamond sitting in my hands that I held so tightly and not let slip. I held you so preciously, because you deserve to be taken care of. And you knew mine too-the ugly parts of me that I want to forsake, parts of me that I am afraid to show anyone. You saw them. And I think because of them, is why you are slowly drifting away from me. I was too toxic, I'm so sorry.
One day, you came to me and asked me to break up with you. You told me that you have to fix yourself. I understand. I knew you had them, those things inside that are crawling to drastically destroy you, destroy us. You pushed me away, but I didn't let you go-weren't you the one who asked me not to leave? So I told you, I'll stay, that I will wait.
As you go along with the thought that you had sever our tie. You killed me each day that you made me feel unloved and unwanted, unworthy of even one glance, but still, I held on. Because I told myself, that you were someone who was worth the pain. It was never my intention but I guess I'm really into emotional masochism.
Days, weeks and a month had passed. You were still the same. Functioning but acting as if I was never a part of your life, that I was never a lover or a friend.
You go on living and I go on dying.
Dying with nights that felt so scary, nights when I don't know what to feel, nights when I sat around a corner of my room, forcing my lungs to function because I needed to breathe, hiding the pain in the middle of the little sobs I steal, reminding myself that this will soon be gone.
But it never leave, fear was inflicted in my soul by thoughts rushing to me in the middle of those nights. Thoughts that are screaming so loudly, that maybe---just maybe, I was fighting for the wrong person again, that I was hurting unnecessarily again.
Then, I told myself each day to wait a little longer. To believe in you, to believe in us. I had too much faith, too much trust. But as the day goes by, you are proving me wrong.
You were as if slapping me the truth that we, can never fucking go back to how we used to be,
That we are not something that could last just because one won't let go,
That we are not something we believe we will be,
That we are not that story whose ending was written happily,
No, we were not.
You and I were king and queen belonging to different castles, probably.
For months I hoped that we will realize that we can be happy if we choose to. Apparently, you won't choose to be happy with me.
I know that there were times that I had hurt you, made you feel sorry and unloved,
Times when I get on my mood swings too much and didn't know my limits,
Times when I was too cold and insensitive about your feelings,
For all of those times, I want to sincerely apologize.
I could only wish that we never had those dreams together, that you never had to say those promises, that we never had made such great memories. Because they will always haunt me, at some point will make me smile, but most of the time will make me cry and regret. Although I still have to say, that I'm thankful, atleast at some point I knew we were awesome together.
Most people will probably ask for a rewind, but I won't. Rewinds are for cowards who are afraid to face the consequences of their mistakes. Things will never be the same, things will never be as good as how they were before but I do not have to rewind and redo things to make it better.
I knew that I just have to accept that we ended up just like those tragedies I've written about. But please know that I really do have loved you so. Thank you, for everything.
