Hello

I'm Sorry I Broke Your Heart

Magnus sat down on his bed, exhausted from crying every step of the way home. He wasn't sure if he wanted to kill Jace for never telling him that Alec had married or thank him.

On one hand, this hurt. Magnus had loved before, he had loved so deeply, and had had his heart broken a hundred times because of it. He was no stranger to this type of pain, but no one else had ever made him want to shatter his very being. No one else had ever made him consider returning to his father just to end the misery that he was in.

On the other, Magnus would never have believed Jace had he told him. Jace wasn't a liar, not when it came to his parabatai, but Magnus knew that he would have needed the confirmation. He knew that he would have searched for the Shadowhunter until he had to admit that it was true. That his beautiful blue eyed nephilim had really moved on.

That thought sent another pang to his heart. Magnus knew that he and Alec were doomed from the start. He always knew that Alec would be forced to leave him. Alec was mortal, after all. He always knew that Alexander Lightwood could not remain his throughout eternity. But he had never pictured Alec leaving by choice. Had it really been 12 years? It still felt like yesterday when Alec crushed him.

The night was clear as he magicked his way up to the roof that he saw Alec on. Alec, who, even after Magnus took his young and inexperienced heart and left it bleeding in the subway, went through hell for Magnus. Alec, who had killed for Magnus. Selfless, perfect Alec. Magnus was an idiot to let him slip through his fingers.

"Hey," he said, startling the boy. Alec looked up at him. He wasn't the image of innocence anymore. He looked so much older now.

"Hey. How are you?" Magnus knew that for Alec, this wasn't small talk; it was a genuine question.

"Well, now that I'm out of Edom, I'm able to use my magic again. Your people are impossible to negotiate with. Don't any of you know the meaning of mercy?" The question came out before Magnus could think it over. Alec glared at him.

"Not really. Mercy is not a value most of us are taught to embrace," he answered calmly.

"You did," Magnus whispered, thinking back to their first date and the werewolf girl.

"Well, I'm hardly normal," Alec said back. That broke Magnus in two. Alec wasn't normal. He was brilliant. Though that was not what Alec had meant.

"No, you're not. You fell in love with a Downworlder," Magnus said, handing him a simple spiral bound notebook. "Do you love him still?"

Alec took the notebook and looked at him with a look of curiosity. Magnus was afraid to breathe. Then Alec nodded.

"What is this?" Alec asked, holding up the notebook. Magnus sighed.

"Something that Catarina had to help me with. It's my life. Not all of it, but some of the important bits. I could always write more, I you wanted-" With that, Alec kissed him.

Magnus wrapped his arms around the Shadowhunter boy, and pulled him closer. He had missed this, the way they just fit together. The way that Alec's hands found themselves in Magnus's hair, messing up what would have taken a mundane hours to do. The way that Magnus's own fingers would always end up in Alec's belt loops. They both always lost control, and Magnus loved it. He couldn't remember the last love of his that made him lose control like Alec did. He was never going to let Alexander Lightwood go again. But just as Magnus thought that, Alec broke away.

"I love you. I do, but I can't do this right now," he said, handing the notebook back to him, and jumping down from the roof with Shadowhunter skill, leaving Magnus with no explanation as to why.

It was Jace that found him hours later, a crying mess, still whispering Alec's name.

"You poor bastard. By the Angel, you really did love him," Jace said, pulling Magnus up by the hands. Too out of it to even care that this was Jace, Magnus just let Alec's parabatai guide him back to Magnus's dead friend's house. Jace took him upstairs.

"Listen to me, Magnus. Alec loves you. He does, but you hurt him. You really hurt him. You made him question everything that he loved, and then you left. But you also made him brave. He was falling apart without you. Give him time, and he will come back to you," Jace whispered, standing in the doorway.

Magnus was still in tears, but he nodded. Time, Magnus could do that. What did he have, but time?

How had 12 years pass while he sat there, losing himself in others? How had he not noticed Jace age? How had he forget to remember that Alec was mortal? Why did Magnus think that Alec would wait for him to come to his senses?

Magnus saw that notebook still sitting on his nightstand. It had been there since the night that Alec left him. He snatched it as though someone would take it from him. Flipping through the pages, yellowing after all this time, he saw his own handwriting recounting the stories of his past. He couldn't help but wonder, would he write about Alec one day, the way he wrote about everyone in these pages? Would Alec become just another story to tell to the next person who he fell for?

That made tears come to his eyes. Alec should never be just a story. Alec deserved to be more than just words on a page. The Shadowhunters would write about him, and about Jace and Clary, and Simon, too. Izzy's name would be mentioned, as would Magnus's. They would become a story for the nephilim of the future to fall asleep to. A story of love, and magic, and unmatched bravery and loyalty. They would become legends. But that was not Alec. Alec, who got dragged along for the ride, making sure that the recklessness of everyone he cared about didn't get them all killed.

No, Magnus thought, he would never write about Alec. Alec, who told Magnus's demon father no. Alec would always be more than words on a page. Alec would be spoken about, Alec would be the one he told others about first.

But how would this story end? With Magnus in tears, certainly. Even if Alec left his husband, left his kids—Alec had kids, how could Magnus ever ask him to leave them behind—even if Alec came back to him like he always did in Magnus's dreams, Alec would die one day, and this pain would start all over again.

Magnus thought he really should just let Alec live out his life. He was happy, in love. Magnus told him that was all that mattered. It wasn't a lie, not exactly. It was what mattered. Magnus would much have preferred if it was him that Alec was still so hopelessly in love with—did the boy know any other way to be in love—and happy beside.

Thinking it over, Magnus saw two ways this chapter of his life could go. The ending might always be the same, but as they say, it is the journey that counts.

Alec would take the unselfish path. If the roles had been reversed, Alec would let Magnus be. Alec would suffer so that Magnus could be happy. Magnus was not Alec. He was not unselfish. He was really quite the opposite.

Magnus sighed. Was there really any choice here? Magnus was selfish. He always went after what he wanted, and he wanted Alec back in his life. But first, he needed to yell at Jace.