Right Now a.i.

Chapter Six: Cancer Destroyed my Hope

It's Harry...
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Ashton's POV

I rush out of Allison's room without a goodbye. She seemed confused but I'll just explain it to her later. All I am thinking about is Harry. He's all that matters.

"Harry!" I shout, "I'm coming!"

"Ashton!" Harry's cry comes out strangled. He's in pain.

I run all the way to his new room in the ICU. I shove my way through nurses and doctors, not caring for their rude comments and outbursts. I just need to get to Harry.

Why is the entire world against me? I just want to be there to protect Harry, but every time I try to be there for him I get shoved away.

I'm insignificant. I'm nothing. I've always been nothing. So much of nothing that my father left me. It's nice to be something for once. But I'm going to lose my something to cancer and I'll become nothing again. I can't, no I wont lose him. I refuse to.

"Harry!" I call again, attempting to shove my way through a nurse.

"Ashy! I'm scared," he shouts, before being taken over by a fit of coughs.

The last thing I see before the heavy, metal door is slammed shut is Harry bent over, the white, sterile sheets now covered in a splatter of red.

"No please don't!" I cry out. But it's too late. My brother is ripped from me. I'm going to lose him and I know it.

I will never forget the terror in his eyes as we are pulled apart again, for as long as I live.

I throw myself against the solid, brick wall, forcing myself to feel some sort or pain. I need to know this is real. I need to know all of this is real. I need to know that I'm not just dreaming.

A small part of me believes that I am. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I'm going to lose the soul purpose of my life. I will be nothing again.

But I guess one good thing will come out of it. I can finally die in peace. Without regret or guilt.

I want to feel pain right now. Something. Anything. God if you are listening, please take my pain away. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to be anything without Harry.

I don't know how Allison can like any aspect of me because I'm so imperfect. I need to distance myself from her because if I don't she will soon realize I'm not good enough and leave me like every one else does.

"Ash..." a soft voice calls out. Allison.

I wipe away the tears I didn't notice slipping down my  face, pulling myself up to my feet. But I cannot hold myself up, so I shift all of my weight to the wall.

She wordlessly wraps her small arms around my torso. I love her hugs because they feel as though she's trying to hug all your broken pieces back together. Almost as if she's shielding me from all the bad in the world.

I wrap my arms around her hugging tightly. I want to feel something. Breathing isn't enough, seeing it happen isn't enough.

I focus all my senses on her. I smell her, she smells like flowers, like the garden and a mixture of coffee. I look at her, in loose black sweatpants and a tank top, a blue blanket thrown precariously over her shoulders. I feel her. The heart pounding against her ribcage, beating in time with my own. As if to say we're meant to be. I feel her small frame fitting against mine like a puzzle piece. I hear her shallow breath against my ear. I can tell that she rushed down here after me.

We pull apart after several moments. We subconsciously grab hands and walk down the long, sterile, white hallway. I lean on her slightly because I know she won't mind. I cannot hold myself up.

I thought we were going back to her room but instead she leads me to the garden. It's only about 10:00 in the morning. We've got all day.

I know time will pass slowly. It always does. Hospital time seems to be three times as long as it is anywhere else. I know today will pass by even slower due to waiting around for Harry. I just need to know that he's okay.

We sit down on what has now become our bench. Allison leans her head against my shoulder and I rest mine onto of her head.

We sit in comfortable silence. It's nice although my thoughts seem to contaminate every last minute of it.

Allison slowly picks her head up. She's so beautiful. I love her bright green eyes, they are full of intelligence. I love her long, wavy brown hair, and how she can throw it so randomly but it always looks lovely.

I know that I've really only known her a day or two but I can tell that this is going to be a good relationship. Even if our forever is short, whether that be because of death or because of falling out of love, I'll gladly take every moment possible with her.

It makes me sad that's she's struggled with her own sadness and that no one was there for her. I promise to always be there for her.

"Whatcha thinking about?" Allison asks me.

"You," I say before I can stop myself. And I realise that I'm being selfish. Harry is slowly dying, the cancer destroying him inside and out, yet I'm here thinking about a girl I've only just met.

"Oh," she giggles. I smile despite the heaviness of the situation. How can she make me so happy? Allison is a good distraction, but this girl will be the death of me.

"Ashton, have you ever thought about how fucking weird other people are?" She questions laughing to herself, after a few moments of silence.

"Well yeah. Why do you ask?"

Allison suddenly becomes serious, "Because I've watched the way some of the nurses treat family. Like you. Pushing family away, refusing to let them have a last goodbye. Like they don't already know what's coming. And I've watched how some people are so rude and  disrespectful as death takes over them. But others can be completely kind although they know death is nearing them. How can some people be so calm as a tragedy comes towards them, but others turn into complete assholes?"

"I don't know," I state simply, "what made you suddenly think of that?" I question. Allison has certainly got an interesting mind.

"I don't know. I've just been observing some of the patients and staff here," she stops. I wait for her to continue, "people are so selfish."

"Yeah. But I feel like that's the way people are made to be. Children are some of the nicest people ever but they are slowly taught to hate life," I say. I know I sound angry, but it's Harry. I won't get to watch him grow up. I won't be able to watch him become someone.

A few tears escape my eyes. I'm really going to miss hi-what am I saying? He's not gone yet. I need to make the most of our numbered days.

Allison reaches up and wipes the tears sliding down my face. I half expect her to tell me everything will be okay. I hate hearing that. That's all I've heard since Harry got diagnosed.

She doesn't though. Because she understands. Instead, she reaches her hands up and cups my face. We lean in closer, our lips connecting.

We part too soon and Allison says, "I'll be here for you as long as forever may be." Repeating the words from last night.

"I'll love you for as long as forever may be." I say instead.

She smiles and we lean back on each other, watching as others prance around the garden, completely oblivious.