Find me

13.

It was a dull and wintry day, a few mornings later and life seemed to have stabilised. 

Each day as the sun went down, I became more and more okay with all that had happened in the past few weeks. Because the football season was in full swing, I came home much tired and worn out. The amount of injuries in the club made everyone work much much harder. The team needed as much support as it could and every person involved in the club was busy doing their jobs with such great focus. 

It felt amazing, to be honest. Being a part of something so big, so important. Only, then did I start realizing that behind a team, there's a lot of off-camera effort being put. Every person is responsible for their own part and the synchronization plus devotion of everyone leads to a successful team. 

Everyday, I helped rehabilitate the unfortunate players trying to get them back to their best form and the others to help them stay in best form. And I watched the team practice everyday. They were slowly intensifying their drills and coach was much stricter than ever. 

Back to the dull and wintry morning, I had come in much earlier as I had woken up a little after the break of dawn. One of those times when you wake up in a snap and you're heartbeat is racing as the world comes to focus gradually. And then you know you're more than wide awake and can't go back to sleep. For some reason, I was desperate for open space and so came in a little early to maybe take a walk on the training ground which I supposed would be empty.

But it wasn't. It was 7:30 when I came  in the morning and there were about ten people I spotted around and on the ground. So, I just sat in a good spot around the boundary in the grass and took in the crisp, chilly air trying to clear off the slight ache in my head. About fifteen minutes later..

"Hola." Someone just said out of nowhere but so close to my ear.

I jumped in fright. I quickly turned my neck to find Neymar giggling away. It honestly took me 5 seconds to recognise him because he was extremely bundled up. Even his face was half covered.

"Jeez. Don't ever do that again." I told him.  He sat down on the ground spreading his legs out.

"Sorry. what are you doing here, so early?" His voice was ten % muffled.

"I could ask you the same question."

He gave me a funny eyebrow-scrunching expression. And I only wondered why.

"I'm working extra to get better faster." He said.

"Neymar, you're not helping yourself by exerting more." I said, totally unhappy with what he was doing.

He just didn't react in any way. Didn't answer, didn't say anything back, didn't even blink. I felt quite surprised that he didn't have something to say back. He always answers back in a blink, normally.

"Where are you lost?" I asked him after I realized he had drifted into his own little world.

His eyes just came right back into the present from wherever they had wandered to, just as he heard my voice and gave me a small smile that I only saw by his eyes. 

"Sorry. I was thinking of something else."

Normally people would further enquire about that 'something'. But I wasn't one of the normal people. If he wanted me to know something, he would just say it. So, there was this awkward silence set in the air between us after I nodded.

We didn't talk for a good, few minutes. And I only realized in a later time in my life, how significant that silence was. I did not feel compelled to break the silence, because it wasn't really awkward silence. It was just me and him, sitting closeby, appreciating our respective fieldview and company without the use of sound. It was comfortable and refreshing which hadn't happened with me for quite a long time.

He was one of those people, those rare people.

If I hadn't been too well-acquainted with the animal that lived inside him, this moment would have been that moment, when you realize you feel something more than you intended.

But it wasn't.

Everytime I looked at him, it just felt wrong. 

"---ddenly pale. Are you okay?"  I was just able to hear the ending of what he was saying when I tuned back in. 

"What?" I asked.

Instead of repeating what he had said, he just looked at me. And then finally spoke, "Nothing. You wanna get breakfast?"He asked while getting up and holding out his hand to me.

I didn't wanna take it. I didn't wanna touch him. He saw the look on my face. I saw the look on his.

He could read mine but I couldn't read his.

But neither of us spoke anything.

We just silently suffered through our feelings for a few seconds until we were back with our alternate masks on. I said, "Yeah." And never took his hand. I got up and tried to get the dewey wet grass off my sweats. Aimless.

He just watched me.

I eventually gave up  and looked at him and he immediately turned to lead the way, leaving both of our minds unresolved and unfinished.

***

Quiet eating was all there was in the little eatery of Ciutat Esportiva.

Until, I finally gave in.

"How's your ankle?" My voice was really low. I wasn't completely sure if he had heard it.

"Do you really care?" He said after a pause, his voice sounding as low as mine. His eyes searched for an answer on my face before I could actually answer and I saw that vulnerability lurk between in deceptive orbs. He had asked the question for a genuine answer. And I gave him exactly that.

Genuine. "I do." 

His eyes went straight down and he seemed to decipher something for the moment. "Its as better as you are." It took me a second to really get the gist of what he was saying. He continued,"So, how better are you?"

Again he had asked the question for a genuine answer. And I gave him exactly that.

Genuine. "Better."

The sun sort of rose back up in his eyes again and the air lightened up a bit. 

After our short, little breakfast, we went back out to the ground and the foggy air had started lifting off the ground. There was a cold sun visible in the sky which would get warmer and warmer as the day progressed. A cheeriness had started setting in as people started rushing in amongst laughters and silent happinesses. 

"I've never met anyone like you before." His words jingled in my ears. His spontaneity was like something out of a book but I did not know what he meant.

"What do you mean, Neymar?" 

"I  can't believe the amount of strength you hold inside. Its insane."

Somehow, in another time, I would eventually believe what he said. But for the moment, I had never heard a more ridiculous thing in my life.

***