Privacy [completed]

FORTY| i found love

I was supposed to do this nearly three years ago.

Swearing to keep my promise, but to only fail felt like a dagger in the heart. I was supposed to leave with my best friends. I was supposed to hang off the balcony for the entire world to see nearly five years ago now. I was supposed to make a statement like they did. I was supposed to end it like they ended it. I was supposed to do a lot of things. Yet, I was too weak.

Being too weak to keep my promise to them then and even now as I remember my tragedy. All I was able to do was watch as they ended it all. I watched while shaking on the icy railing of the balcony, nearly falling to my slow death while they fulfilled their promise. Sadly, I couldn't stop them, nor could I join them. What could I do? What can I do? Am I anything?

My fingertips glide across the rough, nearly torn rope that's been waiting on me forever again and again. As I touched it, I stared at the worn out, old, dirty, cruel world. The back of my naked arm wiped my teary eyes. I can't cry, not now.

My body shivered against the December air. I felt exposed. My naked body on my balcony outside in the cold. It's almost twelve in the morning. I know everyone's asleep or waiting for Santa by the fireplace. No one is bothering to see a naked eighteen year old pacing on a ice covered balcony.

"I have to do it," I repeated to myself. "I have to."

Why am I still convincing myself?

We all have a duty in life: this one is mines. All my bonds are shattered, leaving me secluded in my own thoughts, in my own wonders. I knew this is how it would end up, I knew it from the very beginning.

So why am I so afraid?

So I ask again: what is Love? What have you figured out? Is Love risking death for the ones you deeply care for? Is that too far? If so, what's the limit? What are my limitations? Why can I not see the line drawn? Is death too far? If so, then how close to death can I get before my decision becomes unreasonable? Where is the line drawn?

What is Love?

Is Love privacy? Is Love being secluded with the one you're with in total isolation? In total cohesiveness? Is Love being only with the one you care for for the rest of your life? If so, what if I love multiple people? I cannot be with them all at the same time, can I? Is Love possessiveness? Harry was possessive. Was that Love?

What did you come up with? It's a broad topic, but we all come up with an answer we personally feel connected too.

Some people will say Love is money or wealth. Some people like materialistic things. Others will say people: family, friends, and traditional things. They find comfort in being with another person. Some may even say Love is an idea. If so, what idea does it propose? We all come up with our own answers in our own way. And I've found the answer -

Tragedy.

Love is tragedy. More specifically, Love is a misfortune. Everyone is able to love if it's a tragedy. In this world, misfortunes are becoming more and more common in place of blessings. Some may say being alive is a blessing in itself. But what if you're like me? What about those suffering day and night. Blessings aren't real. Tragedy is.

Love is tragedy.

Without said tragedy, we cannot learn to love. Without misfortune, we cannot come closer to people. We cannot learn to love one another without seeing the bad. We cannot learn to love another person, thing, or idea without experiencing a misfortune, an unfortunate event.

Love is tragedy.

The world is full of conflict. Without conflict, we cannot learn to love. With conflict, we'll pick a side whether we are conscious of it or not. We'll pick a side whether we switch up our side when we're with different people. We all pick what we think is less of the worse. In the process, we get hurt and look for Love. We look for Love to console that tragic feeling of emptiness and cohesiveness.

"Love is tragedy," I spoke to myself.

I was supposed to do this three years ago. I was supposed to keep my promise and leave with my best friends. I was supposed to hang off the balcony for the entire world to see. I was supposed to make a statement as they did. I was supposed to end it as they ended it.

I was supposed to Love, but I couldn't.

Chloe found me and she witnessed my weakness first hand. She stopped me because she was there, but she's not here anymore. She's gone and so is everyone else in my life. I've experiences misfortune, and now I'll find Love.

As I stand on the slippery railing with my bare feet, I wrapped the rope around my neck, having to bend down a little due to the rope having to be short. I'd like this to be over quick. I squatted on the railing with the ice blistering my bare feet. It didn't faze me as the chill bumps infected my nakedness, it's only natural. This is what I deserve, I deserve to be found naked and embarrassed. I deserve to be humiliated. No one will care, I've lost and shattered all bonds. I'm completely useless, no one will care.

My breath hitched as my phone alarm yelled throughout the silence of the night. It's eleven fifty-five at night. I have five minutes left on this earth, in this shattered, tragic world that I love in.

"I am a symbol," I said whispered to myself. "I am a symbol of Love."

I looked around the sophisticated neighborhood. Coincidentally, everyone has left for Christmas. Not many rich people like staying home during the holidays. Traveling is their celebration. The street lights barely lit up the emptiness of the largeness. I will bare this alone tonight.

"I'm the example of how it feels to be alone in the world, not having anyone who'll understand without giving you unwanted, fake sympathy," I sighed.

I closed my eyes, allowing the freezing temperature to bruise my skin.

"As I stand here alone suffering in my own thoughts, I imagined the pain to feel euphoric," I whispered as the wind began to blow.

Some snow fell off the balcony as the wind reacted to my words. I took in a deep breath and continued.

"It doesn't get better through time, it only gets worse. Everything gets worse and worse till one day, you just can't take it anymore. One day, you'll just give up, and it will be the best and the worst day of your life," I began to cry. "A-and, since I've been on the earth, I've wanted the bad people to pay, and the good people to become the ones doing the payment. But it doesn't work that way. Why doesn't it work that way?!"

I heard my phone going off again. It's now twelve in the morning, Christmas Day. I wiped my tears and let out the shaky breath holding me back. I opened my eyes once more, allowing myself to see the world one last time. It's so cruel, it's so ugly.

"I alone leave my battered soul for someone worthy," I whispered out, eyes closed and chapped lips parted ever so slightly. "But, I'm worthy enough to leave my battered soul for someone who is not."

I gulped and opened my eyes.

"This is Love."

I jumped.

-

Thank you so much for reading PRIVACY.
Personally this story left a tole on me
being as cruel and upsetting as it was.
I wanted to make a book where the girl doesn't actually fall in love, believe it or not.
I hope that you enjoyed reading Privacy...
... and I hope you've gained some sort of insight on the minds of people...
...like the incognito main character.
Feel free to read my other books if you like.
Hope this was a pleasure,
-TS xxx.