Dearest Whomever,

Unwanted

Published on : 2016, 7th January

Dear Big Sis,

I do not know if I even want any help from you. I do not know who to tell my feelings to. I don't even have friends to open up. I doubt that Mother would care. I am too depressed. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself.

I want to be like you, Daphne. A girl who seems like there's nothing to be depressed and stressed about. You are pretty. You have a wonderful life. Everyone loves you. You seem so happy. Damn it. I want to be happy.

What's my problem, you ask? Well, I feel like I'm not even needed in this world. I don't feel loved.

I think people sometimes are just using me. Judging me. Some throwing plastic wraps or tissues at me. Some are giving me glares and exchange whispers to their friends how pathetic I look.

Mother and Father? My foster parents? I think it's better to have no parents at all. I don't think they even cared about me. They don't even love me. They don't even treat me as their own child. Well maybe because I'm just adopted. They pitied me because I have no parents. Eversince I lived with your family, I was just a refugee.

As you all know, I am fat. A fat ugly duckling. Nowadays, 'fat' is like a label.

"The fat person."

That's how a huge part of the world thinks. They won't call someone a girl with extra pounds, but "the fat girl".

Girls everywhere I go to are blessed physically perfect. They have everything. They have a perfect body shape. They're flawless. They don't live in a miserable life. They don't get bullied. They're someone's favourite. Boys want girls like them. Still, they complain they're ugly?

Me? Enough said. Who would even want a fat girl? A short, fat, acned forehead and frizzy haired girl? Fuck. Who am I kidding?

I've been called names. A pig. Cow ass. Changed my name to Fatty. Whom's supposed to be kept in a farm and not be found in school. Should I be happy because I'm different? That I'm famous?

It's easy for them to say those hurtful words. Try being in my shoes.

I'm bullied endlessly. Verbal and cyber-bullying. Mean girls would share an edited photo of my face with a pig's head on it, in social media; with the caption, in bold, :

"FATTY'S A PIG AND A LOSER!"

Counselors have told me the same bullshit.

"Tolerate and stand up for yourself."

"Fight back."

"Why not lose weight?"

Screw them. It never helped.

I am big but I feel tiny. I became fat because of a boy, two freaking years ago. I went depressed-eating. I continued and never stopped. My body then changed.

My ex left me for a shrimp. Yes, shrimp! Because humans only want the body and not the head, right? That best describes her.

Oh, my ex? He never really even liked me. He's a pseudo. A phony and a piece of crap. I found out that he dated me just because of a bet.

I hate it when being compared to you. I sometimes wished that you're not my sister so that they won't tell me that you're prettier and sexier than me. You're the goddess and I'm the fat ugly midget.

I regret everything. I regret for letting my body be in this way. I want to accept myself. But, I just can't.

Never in my life I've ever experienced the feeling when I'm proud of myself, when I think I am beautiful, worth something or for someone. This is because I always thought I wasn't and still today I have those thoughts. Maybe influenced by their critics. Maybe.

Maybe because I've never made anyone proud of me. I've been receiving more mean remarks about myself than I've ever received compliments. It's easy to remember critics about me than compliments.

I want the body of the models in the magazine. I want to have a pretty face. I want to look presentable so that people will claim me as 'human'.

Wish. Wishing won't change anything at all.

But on the contrary, I want people to accept and love me, for who I really am. I want to feel loved.


That's the problem of society nowadays. Boys will open doors for a sexy girl than those who look like their grandmother. A pretty girl would likely to get the job easily than the ugly one. People would spend thousands of money to look beautiful and sexy, not for themselves but to others so that they'll like them. This is discrimination.

I am tired, Daphne. I am damn tired of this pointless life I'm living. I want to end it. What's the point? No one loves me. No one wants me. No one accepts me. Except you.

Eventhough if there's anyone, even you, Daphne, that loves me. Like really love me. I can't feel that love anymore. This is what people call a dead heart. I can't feel love anymore. Not even from you, Daphne.

I am sorry, Daphne. Thank you for treating me as your sister eventhough we're not biologically related. If you're reading at this point, I might be at the attempt of self-harm. I might even kill myself. I love you, Daphne. But I am tired of this bullshit. I am damn tired.

Unwanted,

Fatima (Fatty)