I'm Here Dean

Part Six

Castiel doesn't remember much about his fall.

He remembers saving Dean, rising him from hell. He remembers taking Lucifer out of Sams head and how Meg looked after him-- he wondered sometimes how Meg was, where she was, if she'd come back. He remembers the Leviathans and all his adventures with the Winchesters.

But falling from Grace he does not remember. Sat in the old sofa with Dean cuddled against him made him wonder. What would of happend if I stayed? Didn't rebel? Been a good soldier?

"What are you thinking?" Dean smiled softly, snapping Cas out of his thoughts.

Cas blushed realizeing, the green shimmering eyes glowing below him.

"What were you thinking about?" Dean asked again. Castiel smiled.
"How well you are healing." He responded but Dean knew it was a lie.

"Now the truth." He insisted. Castiel let out a small sigh. "What it was like to fall." He said, truthfully.
"What was it like to fall?" Dean asked. Castiel shrugged with pure honestment.
"Cas." Dean looked at him.
"Dean, I honestly dont know. I cant remember...everything, the rebelling, Matatron, the angels, losing grace-- Everything but falling. Falling is a blur to me."

Dean nodded seeing that the angel was infact being honest and cuddled back into him. He never liked to show that he enjoyed his weekend hugs with Cas, but Castiel knew that Dean would like them more often.

Of course, there were times when Dean missed hunting, but Cas had forced him to have weekends off. Just a couple of days to clear his mind and let out those emotions he tried ever so hard to hide.

A long silence came upon the two men. It lasted hours before being broken by the fair haired one.
"Cas," Dean sat up so the angels face was in clear view.
"Yes Dean.." Castiel said slowly looking back at the pale faced man.
"About what I said... some of the things I said to you over the past few years we've known each other- the bad things- I'm sorry.."

"I deserved many of them Dean"
Dean shook his head, in disagreement.
"No, Cas really. You were doing what you thought was best and yeah, yeah you did screw it up but... you were trying, man. I don't really know what I'd do with out you."

Castiel just nodded. He didn't quite yet understand all of the human interactions and the one Dean was trying to suggest was new to him.

Dean just laughed at Cas' blank expression and cuddled back into him, "You really are a baby in a trenchcoat"
This made Castiel smile, he remembered back to the first time Dean had called him that, when he was still an Angel of the lord.
But this time it didn't hurt his feelings, because this time he understood the joke, because he was becoming human.

"Maybe thats why I can't remember falling" Castiel said to himself. Maybe it was.