My Random Thoughts

Pissed off - slam poetry

I'm so pissed off.

At myself actually.

I can literally feel myself drifting apart from reality.

But what is reality, anyways? Just a stupid realm where it's everyone for themselves.

Being forced into some dreadful thing called reality, where I can't be me.

I am my own worst enemy in this reality. In this reality, I am pushing myself away from everything I have ever known.

From the smaller things, like my hobbies, to bigger things, like my school.

To the person I told everything to. Someone I love like a sister, someone I trusted more than anyone.

To my own father, the one man that made me feel so very safe and wanted.

Yet, I can't help but wander if I ever meant anything to them.

My best friend, I told her secrets about me that I was too afraid to admit out loud. Suddenly, we're fighting, we're making plans without each other, we're giving one another the cold shoulder. Attached at the hip one point, at different galaxies the next.

My father, who has always sang me a sweet lullaby of comfort, left me in another country, running off to marry a woman who's a stranger to me, having another daughter, one whom I can't help but feel replaced yet.

Is it normal that I see my old English teacher more than I see my own flesh and blood father?

My heart is constricted, a snake wrapping around it, squeezing it with no mercy. I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't move. I can't even scream.

I'm not perfect. Nobody is. I once believed that everyone was the same, expected to be treated with equal respect.

But when people look down on you, when you know you're easily replaceable, it freaking hurts, and you know that being treated "equally" isn't worth anything.

I'm my own toxic poison. I can't trust myself. Sometimes, in the dead of night, I find myself reaching towards my phone, wanting to call an old childhood friend, someone who always made me laugh.

But I know she called me names behind my back. SIut, bïtch, whöre. She would build me up, just so she could tear me down.

What does that say about me? That I'm gullible? Easily trusting? Stupid for wanting to text her again?

And I hate myself for it. Knowing that nobody I love seems to give a damn about me.

Maybe I'm not pretty enough. Maybe it's because I wear glasses. Maybe it's because I'm not athletic, maybe it's because I'm ugly.

Maybe I can change myself.

The media constantly screams how you can make yourself better. Read Cosmo's new magazine to find out how you can be slimmer! Lose that extra weight with these new diet pills! Feeling down? Buy these designer clothes to feel better!

Yet there's also a flip side to it? Nobody is perfect, so don't change yourself! You are loved! Everybody on earth is equal to one another!

But at the end of the day, it comes down to what I feel. Not what the media says.

What do I feel? Good about myself, maybe?

Or angry at myself?

Because the reason my older sister is fawned over but not me is because she's everything I'm not. Skinny. Athletic. Perfect vision. Honour roll in her university. She has lots of friends. Plans every weekend. Everyone seems to absolutely adore her.

And she knows it.

I don't want her pity. I don't want anyones pity. I just want to feel normal.

I want to feel loved.

It's pretty hard to feel loved when my anxiety screams at me that nobody will ever love me though. No, I have to keep trying. I have to be the perfect girl. The perfect friend. The perfect sister. The perfect daughter.

And I can't. No matter how hard I try, my efforts always come to slap me in my face, tormenting me that I will always be the last choice.

Hell, I probably aren't even a choice in a lot of aspects.

Who would want a short, four-eyed, chubby loser for any reason?

I am easily replaceable, and I hate myself for it.

This is reality, and I can't do shït to change it. No matter what I do.

So yes, I am pissed off. Not at the world, but at myself.