Memories

2:14am

I had the sudden urge to eat.
So I walked into the kitchen at 2am, to make a sandwich.
I made it and came back to my laptop; turning on some jams.
I looked down at the sandwich and apple juice in my lap.
And it hit me; I hadn't ate anything today, or yesterday or even the day before. Come to think of it I hadn't ate in a while. And all I can do is sit here and think "oh no oh no oh no no no. you're turning back into the old you. stop this right now."
I looked down again to my lap, but this time it wasn't to the food.
It was to the fat on my thighs.
I felt my stomach turn.
I quickly ripped off my shirt looking at the pudge in the middle.
I tried so hard to get rid of it at one point.
Now it's back and pilling up everywhere.
I looked down at the sandwich and picked it up taking a tiny bite.
My throat, it wasn't allowing me to swallow what was within my mouth.
I spit it out; grabbing my apple juice.
Round 2: I picked it back up.
Taking a smaller bite chewing for an extended about of time.
Swallow, swallow, swallow.
And down it went.
I smiled in relief.
I did this over and over again.
It's currently 5am and I just finished the sandwich.
I'm crying my eyes out.
I hate my body; yes.
But I don't want to be that same girl.
I can't be her, not ever again.
It's 5am and I'm trying to keep this sandwich down, along with the memories.
(This one is so personal)