My Composition Notebook

Page 7

December 15th, 2015

11:46 pm

Dear notebook.

Why? why did you let me come so close?

Why did you make me believe that I ever had a chance?

You ask me why I never get my hopes up, or have higher standards?

Well this is why, I don't think I'm good enough and you know that. You know my past, you know my thoughts, you know my feelings, I've told you every little thing about me.

You promised me you would make it better, make it hurt a little less, mend the scars I have held ever so closely for o so long. The feelings I felt with you were feeling I had not felt in a year or two. Every word you said, I believed you.

You were always so beautiful, I still remember the first time I met you so clearly, your beautiful brown eyes indulged me, I was fascinated by that smile of your's, your lips placed above your pearly white teeth.

You said you never learned how to smile properly, but it was broken and I knew it. Your laughter exhilarated me, but your eyes amazed me.

You took me out, you pampered me with material things even though you knew I would rather enjoy the simpler things in life.

And oh dear, when you held me close I felt so safe, so cared for, when you held me time seemed to pass as if a minute were a decade. I cherished every moment we spent together, every time you touched me I swore I could fly.

Every time you stroked my hair, time seemed to go by slower, as we lay there in the silence, you in your thoughts and I in mine. I started to wonder in my thoughts and started to wonder if this is what healing is suposed to feel like.

I thought you felt the same way about me as my head rested on your chest, your heart started to race, you started to swallow nervously.

I started to fidget I tried to keep calm but as I thought about what was running through your mind, I seemed more hyper on the outside. You asked me whats wrong but my only reply was that "my mind is racing".

You pulled my chin up gently, stroked back the hair from my face and leaned in, oh the sparks I had felt when your soft pink lips touched mine.

You kissed me twice and rested your head on mine, your big gorgeous brown eyes still sparkling.

"Are you calmer now?" you had asked me as you made your way down to my hand.

you brought our hands together and at the same time we strolled our fingers together. you held my hand every so playfully and then we talked for minutes that felt like decades.

I had not felt so close to a person in years. I told you how much i liked you and my biggest phobias, I thought everything was falling in place, finally after everything.

But oh my how wrong I was, this was just the beginning of how everything was gonna fall apart.

Some how in your mind you had forgotten that you actually didn't care about me the same way I cared for you. You did worry but you didn't and couldn't care as much as I did.

I noticed a difference in you, you didn't act the way you usually do. So my mind wandered off and came up with the only question on my mind.

"Do you like me?" you knew I wanted the truth, so you gave me the truth and the truth hurt, so now I'm sitting here, sobbing writing my truth, not to hurt you, not to hurt me more than I already am, but to remember.

Not remember you, just remember this, the feels, how I felt in this point in time. So when I read this 4-5 years later and I don't remember your name, thats how I will know that I have grown.

I might compare how I felt today to experiences far beyond a simple heart ache.

So now I leave you, but I leave you with a piece of my heart and you can keep it cuz I do have plenty to spare.

Forever yours

     Kat.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello loves!

Yes I am aware that I am terrible at updating.

I literally wrote this entire page an hour ago but my internet somehow log-ed my off and only a bit of it was published and I had to re write everything.

I am going to try to update as much as I can because midterms are coming up and I have to go to some other state to get qualified for some national tournament thingy.

I wont be able to update right after cuz I'll be on a cruise to Mexico. 

I'm gonna try my best to update as much as I can and when I do I want to make it good so cut me some slack please.

Alrighty I'm gonna try to update The Outsider by tonight and yea!

I love you all so much! comment, vote and stuff

Oh btw fun fact: I wasn't gonna publish this until my mum read it and said it was beautiful or something, this is actually raw emotion haha.

I thought no one would like it so I didn't but since mum liked it I was like, well maybe I should publish this if mum likes it maybe others will to.

haha fun facts remind me of Matthew Clare lol, oh HI MATT/VINNY IF UR READING THIS

sorry guy haha alright I'll stop now

Love yo sooo much!

       San <3