Bts Imagines [ Book 2 ] EDITING IS ON

Rap Monster (Requested)

You still cross my mind from time to time, and I mostly smile.

He is everything I could have ever hoped for and then some. He treats me as if I was a precious gem, always so calm and cautious around me. He looks at me like I am a wonder, a great pyramid or perhaps a never ending body of water that no matter how he tried, he could never map me in my entirety. He talks to me carefully, as if his words could ever be harsh enough to damage me. I can only ever smile at the thought of him because I am always able to vividly remember the warmth that radiated off of him and the way he held me, so tight yet so comforting.

You held my hand but you were too afraid to speak and I could never understand.

He looks at me and then back down to our intertwined hands. His breath is shaky with fear and anticipation as he tells me the news that I already knew but had never wanted to hear.

I remember you ascending all the stairs up to the balcony to see if you could see me hidden quietly away.

I heard his footsteps behind me, the vibrations and sounds of his heavy feet coming closer as each second passed. They stop right behind me and I unintentionally hold my breath waiting for his next move. He delicately wraps his arms around me from behind. We stayed in this position for a few minutes, just looking at Seoul at midnight together. He rubs his hands up and down my arms and places a soothing kiss to my temple but it doesn't help calm me.

"It's only two years." he says. Two years. 104 weeks. 730 days. 17,520 hours. 1,051,200 minutes without him beside me.

And I remember when I knew that you'd be leaving, how I barely kept up breathing and I bet if I had to do it all again, I'd feel the same pain

When I walked into the house only to find Namjoon in the bedroom calmly placing clothes and necessities into a suitcase, I knew. He knew that this would be the hardest part. I knew that this would be the easiest part. I sit on the bed beside his bag sobbing into my shirt as he tries to hold back his own emotions. He tells me he has to and I know but knowing and accepting are different things that are pushed by different forces. It takes everything out of me to not empty his suitcase when he isn't looking and I only opt out of doing it knowing that it'd make things harder for him.

After he's done packing, he pushes the suitcase off of the bed and holds me but I can't control my tears. He asks me what's wrong and when I tell him my fears of this being the last time I would ever feel his arms around me, he laughs.

"Don't be crazy. I'll be back before you know it."

And I remember panicked circles in the terminal in tears. How I wept to god in fits. I've hated airports ever since.

I didn't want to embarrass him but that was no doubt what I was doing. The airport was filled with other men and their mournful families but it felt like it was just me and him. I was weeping into his shoulder, crying hysterically and begging whatever force was up there to protect him. To make sure he returned to me. When I felt his cold tears smear onto my cheek I knew that this was real and that fact only pushed me to become weak in the knees, falling even farther into his embrace. He ran his hand over my hair and shushed quietly into my ear trying to ease my mind but how could he when he was praying to the same god for the same thing. The truth was, he was just as scared I was.

I still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again.

I was woken from my light sleep by a gentle knocking at the door. I got up to answer it but looking through the peephole made my heart drop. I hesitantly opened the door, feeling my heartbeat pick up drastically. The two decorated men standing at the door looked at me and before they even had the chance to tell me I felt the tears escape the corners of my eyes.

"I have been asked to inform you that Kim Namjoon has been reported dead in Panmunjom, South Korea, at 1423 on December 16, 2015. On the behalf of the Republic of Korea, I extend to you and your family my deepest sympathy in your great loss." It took a minute for the words to register but when they did they hit me worse than any punch could.

I closed the door but the officers didn't go away. I sank to my knees and let out a strained and painful scream. Hot tears ran uncontrollably down my face, surely staining whatever clothing I had on. The officers frantically knocked on my front door but there was no strength left in me to do anything but lie there on the cold ground, cursing everything and wishing I could disappear.

I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea.

I was sat between his mother and sister, the latter with her arm around my shoulder in a comforting manner. Everyone was crying but I had wasted all of my tears the last week. A member of the honor guard was knelt before me, presenting me with his flag after his mother had told them she wanted me to have it.

"We thank you for his service." he said. He looked at me and the entire room was silent, expecting me to take the folded flag from him.

"You're thanking me," I paused, taking in a deep breath, "for letting him die." after I said those words a tear silently escaped my eye and his mom broke down beside me. The tension in the room was unbearable.

I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear, it tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.

I laid on his side of the bed. It was cold and no longer smelt of him but it was all that was left. I had canceled his phone and I could no longer hear his voice telling me that he'd get back to me when he had the time. I had stuffed all of his remaining clothes into a bin and force it into the back of our closet, too scared that I'd ruin them somehow. Sometimes I think about where we'd be if he never left. We'd probably have gotten married by now and be pregnant with our first but certainly not last child. He always wanted a big family.

"We're going to have four kids! Two boys: Kiyoung and Manseok, and two girls: Kyungsook and Jangmi. And we'll live in a big house and you'll have a big ring and a we'll have a dog and we'll tell the kids about how beautiful you looked when I first met you."

So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head. And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.

"Are you okay Noona?" you heard Taehyung's voice softly ask you. He and Jimin had often checked up on you since Namjoon left. You had admittedly been getting better. You didn't like talking about him, mostly because you never trusted that you wouldn't cry halfway through the conversation. No one brought him up around you knowing how upset you'd get but being asked if you were okay was a common question. You nodded your head in response to his question.

"Do you miss him?" Taehyung asked, regretting the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. "Noona I'm so sorr-"

"Taehyung." you said asserting your dominance in the situation. He closed his mouth and prepared to listen. "He's gone. And there's nothing I could have done." he nodded.

"You're right. There was nothing anyone could have done."

"That's all I need to remember."

And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end.