That Golden Rule (Ryden)

Well It Cut My Heart And It Blew My Head

The shock that followed Ryan's abrupt movement had Brendon's body running on autopilot, his limbs instinctively wrapping around the taller man who was practically in his lap by this point, the pads of his fingers pushing into Ryan's spine to bring him as close as possible while their mouths melded together seamlessly, time apparently having done nothing to erase the ease with which they slipped back into old routines without missing a beat.

And for one moment, Brendon forced his brain to shut down; he banished all thoughts of Sarah, and how this could only end in heartbreak, and the fact that tears were slipping down Ryan's face as his tongue ran over his bottom lip gently, because Brendon had forgotten how good this felt, how perfectly he and Ryan fit together, but reality quickly bled into their situation, and Brendon knew he had to end this before things went any further.

Because even though Brendon had missed the sensation of Ryan's lips against his, the eruption that always burst along every one of his nerve endings that had been present since the last time they did this was noticeable muted, most likely because Brendon was nervous, afraid even, and although he was enjoying this display of affection much more than he should have given his current relationship status, he knew that this wasn't an act of love on Ryan's end, it was desperation in its purest form, and that realization gave Brendon the strength to pull away gently, capturing Ryan's hands in his as he tried to lessen the rejection that highlighted every one of Ryan's features.

"Oh god," Ryan whimpered lowly, his eyes welling up again as he tore himself away from Brendon roughly, folding his lanky body into the corner of the couch as if he could melt into the cushions to avoid Brendon's gaze.

"Ry..." Brendon choked out, his mind still reeling as he tried to process what had just happened, because in a way, he had cheated on Sarah, and that hurt more than he had thought it would, which only went to show that maybe Brendon was beginning to finally move on from Ryan, even though the tingling sensation that was still flowing through his veins disproved that hypothesis.

A part of Brendon wanted to bolt immediately so he could explain to his girlfriend what had occurred before he dug his hole any deeper, but the side of him that was still attached to Ryan couldn't leave until he made sure that Ryan would make it through the night unscathed, and if he was being completely honest with himself, Brendon wasn't ready to be separated from Ryan quite yet, even though he was basically signing his own death warrant by extending their time together for another moment.

Brendon had to fight back the urge to scream as the two halves of his heart pulled against each other, his conflicting emotions threating to tear him asunder if he didn't choose one or the other, but how could he? He did love Sarah, she was amazing, and understanding, and all around wonderful, but Ryan had been there first, he had stolen Brendon's affections from day one, and no matter how hard Brendon tried, Ryan would always own a piece of him. He couldn't cut himself away from the older man, he had attempted that numerous times before, and look where he was now, causing Brendon to wonder if all his efforts at distancing himself from Ryan were essentially pointless.

"I shouldn't have - I...fuck," Ryan mumbled while shaking his head back and forth slowly, his wide eyes staring into nothingness as his hands began to tremble minutely at his sides, his sudden exclamation snapping Brendon out of his tortured thoughts for the moment, much to his relief.

"Hey...it's okay," Brendon whispered quietly, trying to drag Ryan back from the edge of what appeared to be the beginnings of a panic attack, "but we can't do that again, not right now. I'm with Sarah, and she makes me happy, but that doesn't mean I don't want you in my life as well, even if it only has to be just as a friend," Brendon tried his best to console the distraught man, placing his hand on Ryan's shoulder in what he hoped would be a comforting gesture, but it only caused Ryan's entire body to convulse violently instead.