You Better Know This Flows Fast

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Ryan's death was a monumental turning point in Brendon's life, the hole he left behind would always exist as a constant reminder of what could have been, but despite how tempting it was to lay down and die when Brendon had finally realized that he would never speak to Ryan again, or hold his hand, or kiss him, he had somehow found the strength to begin knitting himself back together, and now almost a year later, Brendon had remembered how to smile once more, the expression was tugging at his lips right then as he put the finishing touches on panic!'s new album, the very first in which Ryan had no part in making, which was bittersweet to say the least.

Brendon didn't recall much of the weeks following his visit to the hospital besides reading Ryan's letter; those words had been burned into his brain for all eternity, and Brendon could quote the passages verbatim without blinking an eye. Everything else had become muddled though, leaving Brendon confused and shaky about what had been real, and what had been imagined by his grief tortured mind, but he tried his best not to reminisce over that dark period in his life anymore, because even twelve months later, it still hurt to think about.

Brendon knew he had broken down in the waiting room, the final line from the song Ryan had written for him had been the nail in Brendon's metaphorical coffin, leaving him shaky and borderline hysterical as his lungs closed up and his eyes welled over, resulting in Jon having to forcibly drag him into the car before anyone recognized him, but at the time, Brendon wouldn't have cared if the entire world had been witness to his sorrow, because with Ryan gone, everything else had ceased to matter entirely.

Brendon assumed that Jon had taken him home, but the drive didn't exist in his memory, or any words he may have said, there was only pain, a gnashing, tearing agony inside of Brendon's chest cavity that wracked his body with endless waves of torment. Brendon's suffering was immense, and even though he knew that Jon was most likely hurting just as much, if not more than he was, he couldn't push aside his own misery for long enough to try and comfort his friend, no matter how badly he wanted to.

The following days dragged on in a never ending slew of tears, and nightmares, and no Ryan. Brendon wasn't sure if he ever truly slept, or if he ate, not that he cared either way. At that point in his life, Brendon wouldn't have minded if he died of malnutrition, maybe that way he could see Ryan one more time, and even if that didn't happen, anything would be better than this version of hell that Brendon now found himself in.

The funeral didn't help Brendon's mindset at all, although just like almost everything else lately, he didn't have a concrete recollection of it. He sobbed throughout practically the entire affair as tendrils of guilt curled around his internal organs, their grip tightening with every passing moment during which Brendon gazed at Ryan's coffin with dull eyes, leaving him feeling choked and unworthy of attending the ceremony as Ryan's family and true friends made speech after speech commemorating Ryan's life.

Brendon declined the offer to say something about Ryan at the proceedings when it was extended to him, because he didn't deserve it, even if he had been able to stop his tears for long enough to form a coherent sentence, because Brendon hadn't been there for Ryan when he needed him, if anything, he had driven Ryan to his untimely death, and fuck - that fact was what was truly destroying Brendon bit by bit, and to make matters worse, there was nothing he could do to rectify his numerous mistakes, Ryan had taken that chance away from him by ending his life.

Brendon wallowed in self-pity for weeks, spending his free time mulling over every aspect of his and Ryan's time together, attempting to pinpoint where he has gone wrong, guessing at what would have happened if he had done this instead of that, basically driving himself insane in the process. Brendon avoided all contact with anyone and everyone, including social media, because he couldn't handle reading over the numerous tweets that were probably flooding his notifications involving Ryan's death which had been made public knowledge by this point.

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