That Golden Rule (Ryden)

I Am Looking For A Reason To Secure A Forward Motion

Brendon left Ryan as soon as he was convinced that the older man was fast asleep, making sure that he was lying on his side just in case he ended up getting sick again, choosing not to pen out a note explaining where he went in the fear of coming off as too cliché, making a promise to himself to contact Ryan in the morning instead, and although it took Brendon a ridiculously long time to actually vacate Ryan's house, he did it, even though it felt as if he had left a large portion of his heart behind in the process.

Ryan had whimpered softly when Brendon had removed himself from his bed, and fuck - the small sound had nearly broken all of Brendon's resolve into a pile of rubble. It had taken every ounce of willpower that Brendon possessed not to lean down and kiss the lips that had emitted the tortured cry, silencing his terror with the comfort of his body, but no - Brendon couldn't, no matter how badly he wanted to.

So Brendon returned to his quiet house in a morose mood, a heavy weight on his chest following him everywhere as he crawled into his empty bed, the mattress seeming too large without Sarah in it - or maybe Ryan, but Brendon wasn't going to allow his brain to go there, not tonight at least.

But of course, his mind had other ideas, and his sleep was stolen by the plethora of worries that refused to let him rest. Brendon wanted to return to Ryan's place, he wanted to hold him, to pretend that time had turned back to the days when it was just the two of them against the rest of the world, but he also wanted to call Sarah, to tell her what had happened, to apologize, to beg her forgiveness for a kiss that wasn't even entirely his fault, although he couldn't deny that he wouldn't be opposed to being giving another chance to have Ryan's lips mashed against his own, so he wasn't entirely blameless in all aspects.

Brendon hadn't known that it was possible to love two people at once, but he was now living proof that it was indeed a very real phenomena, and fuck - this just wasn't fair, because Sarah and Ryan were both so perfect in their own ways, and Brendon didn't want to choose between them, but for the sake of his sanity, he had to come to a decision sooner rather than later.

Brendon had thought he had already made his choice back at Ryan's place, he had pulled away from the kiss after all, he had felt guilty when an image of Sarah's face popped into his head, but now the negative emotions were fading away, and Brendon found himself wondering what would have happened if he had let Ryan do whatever he wanted to Brendon, if he had never stopped the connection of their lips, if he had stayed the night instead of retreating back to his own home once Ryan had fallen asleep.

Brendon knew he didn't truly want that, well - more like Sarah didn't deserve that. She was one of the few people in Brendon's life that had never hurt him, so he couldn't go around inflicting pain on her just because his head was a fucking mess, and deep down, Brendon was glad that he had stopped Ryan when he did, because yes - he was obviously struggling with a resurgence of old feelings for his former lover, but he would have to talk with Sarah first before he did anything rash, and he also had to make sure that Ryan had been serious about his admission, which would involve a sober conversation with no substances blurring Ryan's true desires.

By this point, it was almost eight in the morning, and even though Brendon had hardly closed his eyes, he felt wide awake, his need to confess what had happened last night to Sarah inspiring him to hop in the shower with a vigor to his steps that he usually didn't possess, the urge to cleanse his conscience adding haste to his motions as he washed himself quickly. Changing into fresh clothes before grabbing his cell phone, Brendon dialed his girlfriend's number, his fingers drumming nervously on his bedside dresser as he waited for her to pick up.

"Baby...is that you?" Sarah's voice finally sounded out, sleep clogging her words as she spoke.

"Yeah, I'm sorry for waking you up so early, I just need to talk to you about something."