That Golden Rule (Ryden)

Secrets Are The Truth

"Please leave me alone...I can't do this again Bren. I'm sorry."

Brendon stared down at the seemingly innocent text for an unknown amount of time, his heart racing in his chest as his mind tried to digest the words, even though their meaning was obvious, but still - Brendon didn't want to believe what he was reading, so it was taking him longer than it should to process Ryan's request.

Brendon should have seen this coming, in fact, he shouldn't have even bothered attempting to keep in contact with Ryan at all after he had made it clear that his original call to Brendon had been a mistake, but he had foolishly attempted to phone Ryan last night after he had awoken from yet another nightmare involving the older man. Apparently Ryan was done with Brendon's attempts at rekindling their friendship though, and he had broken his silence to inform Brendon that his efforts were no longer appreciated.

Ryan hadn't answered at the time of course, leaving Brendon shaken and scared with no one to turn to since Sarah was fast asleep and Jon would most likely verbally slap Brendon for waking him up at such an ungodly hour. Eventually, Brendon had drifted back off, only to find Ryan's message awaiting him in the morning, and fuck - part of Brendon hoped he was still dreaming, but he knew that this was real, no matter how hard he pretended otherwise.

Brendon just couldn't help himself though, he had needed to hear Ryan's voice last night, it was the only thing that could soothe him, especially after making it almost ten days without bothering either Ryan or Jon in an attempt to move on just like everyone was suggesting he should do, but that was providing to be a very difficult feat, and he had unfortunately made the wrong choice once again, his late night decision pushing Ryan even further away, although Brendon hadn't believed that was possible at the time.

But it wasn't Brendon's fault that everything seemed to remind him of Ryan, and that he hadn't been able to go one day without wondering how the older man was doing since his initial visit to Ryan's home, but he had been pretending that he was fine, mostly for Sarah's sake, his show of strength only breaking when she wasn't around to witness it. She could see through his facade though, despite the fact that she hadn't commented on it lately, but really - there was nothing left for her to say, and Brendon knew he was hurting his girlfriend with this relapse of emotions, which was the last thing he wanted to do, but Brendon couldn't comfort her when he was falling apart on the inside as well.

Brendon hated himself for being so weak, for allowing Ryan to destroy his mind without having to lift a finger, and he would give anything for this to stop, to be able to return to the days when his heart barely twinged at the thought of Ryan, but that seemed impossible now, and Brendon knew that time was the only thing that could possibly heal him, and even that might not be enough to mend this deep of a wound.

Rereading the message one more time for good measure, Brendon heaved in a sudden rush of oxygen, his head suddenly feeling light and dizzy, as if it was going to float off of his shoulders at any moment now, and before Brendon could contemplate why this odd sensation was occurring, an ugly sob was ripping its way out of his throat, the cry startling Brendon with its intensity, because until just now, he hadn't noticed the tears blurring his vision, but once his attention was brought to them, they began pouring down his cheeks before he could even considering stopping them.

Letting his phone drop to the floor through his numb fingers, Brendon buried his face in his hands, pressing his palms against his eyelids until spots danced across his vision as he continued to weep harshly, his body shaking with the force of his sorrow as he allowed the negative emotions he had been burying inside himself to spill free all at once.

A part of Brendon was ashamed at his pathetic behavior, because this wasn't worth shedding tears over, and he hadn't been expecting Ryan to suddenly apologize for everything and run back into Brendon's waiting arms, so he couldn't even blame his reaction on shock, but still - this hurt, and Brendon couldn't fool himself into believing that he was unaffected by Ryan's absence anymore, because he missed him, he had been missing him for years actually, but only now was he finally allowing himself to admit it.