Five Years Ago

Chapter 2 - The First Ones

At the beginning of a relationship, whatever it is, there would be a lot of first times. The first time you went out together. The first time you shared a laugh with them. The first time you looked into somebody's eyes and felt something inside of your stomach. The first time you swapped stories and secrets. The first time you opened up and bared your soul for them to judge and accept. One person would defied all of your rules and made you did something for the first time, not only with them, but actually for the first time in your life. They brought moments of significance into your life, changed it altogether into something entirely new. They opened up doors and closed the old ones. They led you to the point of no return. Then you could only move forward, with or without them.

*

When the semester started, I asked her to have lunch with me for the first time. We went to Hungry Hatt, a restaurant next to our campus. She wore my jacket and looked damn good in it. Admittedly, it was a little bit too small for her. The sleeves didn't really reach her wrists. The hem of the jacket almost didn't cover her midsection. Oh, well. Nothing's perfect in this world, I guess. Thank God she didn't switch when I asked her about it. Even if it was the most like logical choice, it would crushed me nevertheless. We sat at the smoking area, with me asking her if she was okay with it beforehand. When she pulled her own pack of cigarettes, I never felt so relieved. Score! My heart leaped in excitement instantly. Maybe it wouldn't be too hard to befriend her after all.

"Honestly, I didn't think that you'd pick me," she said. Her big eyes searching for mine from behind her eyelashes. "All of us thought that you'd give it to Thea."

"Well," I sat back to my chair and tapped my fingers against the table nervously. "I thought of that too."

"So, why didn't you?"

"I don't know. I guess you're more interesting." I grinned at her, while holding back a playful wink. "Anyway, did you find the note? And the chocolate? You didn't wash it right away, right?"

"There was a note?" She gasped.

I stared at her open-mouthed. "What?"

"Joking." She nudged my arm with hers playfully. "Thank you, Tay. It was a sweet gesture. Did you know that Eva was jealous that she didn't get one too?"

"Really?" I laughed at the image of Eva, one of her friends that had theatrical expressions and the tendency to speak aloud, went on about the favoritism. "When did you find it anyway?"

"In the car on our way back to campus. Is that some kind of traditions too, leaving notes and all?"

"Nope. Well, it depends on the person really. I just thought that I wanted to make it special for you."

I didn't remember what we exactly talked about that day. Small talks and a little bit of everything and anything. What I did remember is how right it felt, a justification that I really have made the right choice in her. She was as funny as she seemed to be in person. She was generous with her laughs, even she was a little bit shy at first. I really liked the way she talked excitedly. It made her a bit like a curious child somehow, despite of her height and age. I had this feeling that she was acting cautiously with me. Maybe it was because I was being such a jerk as the disciplinary committee. Maybe it was because that was just the way she acts with new person. It didn't matter. She was great.

*

I went to Malaysia three weeks after the semester started for joint studio program. I only went there for ten days. None of my close friends went to Malaysia too. Just a couple of 'okay' friends. I missed them when I was there. There was nothing weird with that. But I missed Emma too. And that was a bit weird, since I only really knew her for days. I wasn't the type of person who misses someone easily. I didn't know what it meant then, but it was surely something. Something that I couldn't put my finger on. I texted her more than I texted my friends. I waited anxiously for her replies. I sat on the bus, looking out of the window while listening to John Mayer's Heartbreak Warfare. And I thought of her. Something was growing inside of me and I wasn't really sure whether I liked it.

And there was that time when I went on excursion to Bali with my friends. I've never been the kind of person who voluntarily brings gifts for my friends. But I searched for something special for her like I was on a mission. I was just getting to know her. I didn't know what she liked. I almost didn't know much about her. So it was really confusing to find something for her. I went for the safest option, an ashtray. It wasn't very original and personal, I know. What made it a bit special was what it represented. The ashtray was shaped like a Barong. Barong is a guardian in Bali mythology. The protector from all of the bad things in world. That was exactly what I wanted for her. For her kind heart to be protected from all of the bad things in life.

*

I remember the moment where I was starting to feel something more for her. That moment, something clicked inside of me. My heart accidentally stepped on the wrong switch. Or maybe it was the right one. I didn't know what it was, what it meant. I couldn't even put a name on it, labeled it. I didn't dare to. I was heading toward a foreign and dangerous zone unconsciously. That night, I took off my wall, one brick at a time. It wasn't really high to begin with, for I was so eager to opening up to her. Placed the welcome mat, the door was wide open. It wasn't really surprising that I lost something that night. Suddenly, my heart wasn't where it used to be.

We went to Dago Pakar, where a lot of cafes were strategically placed on top of the hill, offering a magnificent view of Bandung's city lights. She was unusually quiet for the whole ride to Coffee Break. I knew that something was wrong. She had this look on her eyes. It had lost its sparkles, replaced by dark clouds hanging over it. I have never seen her like this and it worried me. I didn't know how to handle it. Everything about that situation screamed handle with care.

"You okay, kiddo?" I finally broke the silence. Even the radio put on a slow song to suit the mood.

"I'm fine," she said curtly. And nothing more was said.

I wanted to say more but decided against it. She would talk when she's ready to talk. At least, I hoped so. I embraced the silence as she was deep in her thoughts. She gripped the steering wheel tightly. I could only followed her every move from the corner of my eyes. She needed her time alone. And for once, I was able to give her just that.

Even after our orders arrived, she still didn't say much. Sitting across of me, she was lost in her thoughts. Crevices on her forehead and a small downward tug on the corner of her mouth. Her long dark hair hanging loosely on the sides of her head, which was bowed down in sadness. There was this beautiful view of Bandung's cityscape at night behind her. But nothing could come in focus, since she was the only thing that commanded my full attention. Nothing else, just her. I couldn't stand the small talks when I knew there was something that's bothering her. I wanted to know. I wanted to help. I wanted her to smile again.

"Hey," I said cautiously. Her eyes lifted up to see me. "You sure everything's okay? If you want to talk, you know that I'm here, right?"

She didn't reply right away. She looked me in the eyes instead, as if considering something. She took a deep breath and released it slowly. She diverted her eyes away from me once again, onto the mountainous view afar. I thought she wouldn't answer my question when she finally broke the silence. She held my unflinching gaze with her own. The sadness that reflected on her eyes ripped my heart a little.

"Things aren't so great at home," she said. Her voice was all wrong. Gone was the infectious joy in her tone, replaced by emptiness.

Then she told me her story, invited me in and showed me where the cracks were. She lifted off her guards for a second, allowing me to see a glimpse of her. Someone behind those heartwarming smiles. I was at loss of words, didn't really know what to say, how to respond accordingly. Finally understood the reason behind the sadness in her eyes, I wanted to touch her gingerly. What I really wanted was to hug her, but what would that meant?

The more I knew about her demons, the more my heart swelled for her. She expected me to look the other way, but my eyes and heart were locked onto hers. My arms were so ready to be her shield, but she was no damsel in distress. Maybe she was bruised, but I didn't have the bandages. I didn't like it at all, the way life had been treating her. I didn't make any sense to me. How could an angel fell into the lap of demons and anguish? She was supposed to be flying up high.