Five Years Ago

Chapter 8 - The Sight of Her

People said that love is blind for a reason. Sometimes it makes us see things that aren't there. Other times it makes us ignore things that should have mattered. It gives us selective sight for selected people that we hold inside of our heart. I didn't know whether I really saw her as she really was. If the real person isn't as perfect as the idea of her, would it matter much? Nobody's perfect, but for a couple times in your life, you would find somebody that fits that empty space in your heart. It is all there in the little things. Those damn little things that turn your whole world upside down.

She loved the color of red, I did too. She hated chocolate, which I found out a year later, after I'd bought her that for a couple times. She loved animated movies, she was a child at heart. She had a soft spot for animals, especially cats. She loved to play with her hair, especially when it was long and she wore it down. She lowered her voice when she was pissed, and she used a set of different language too. She was quiet when something bothered her. She often chose to shut up than argue, she hated unnecessary dramas for a lost cause. She slightly tilted her head upward when she was laughing. She hated to let people down. She was conscious about her body image, no matter how great it was.

She was great at sports and arts. She was bright, though sometimes she pretended the otherwise, just for fun. She was afraid of ghost. She was afraid of the dark. She would've blown your mind whenever she spoke up about something she cared about. She rarely let people in and held all of her secrets tightly in her hands. She liked to test people, just to see what they were made of. Sometimes she used her demons to push people away, only to prove that she was right about them. She was loyal and reliable. She often acted like something didn't matter, I still didn't know whether it really did or not.

She used to tug the end of my jacket's sleeve in an adorable kind of way, when she wanted my attention. She loved the parties. She loved to name her favorite things. She rarely kept eye contacts when she was speaking publicly. Sometimes she closed her eyes when she sang. And sometimes she smiled. For most of the time, whatever she did, I was mesmerized whenever she was on the stage. She used to run away whenever I was mad at her. I wanted her to stay, but I couldn't stand being away. I always ended up chasing after her, no matter how many times I've said that this would be the last time.

*

Now I was alone with my thoughts, they were screaming at me. One was telling me that it missed her, let's just come back for more. One was screaming about how stupid I was, refusing to acknowledged a no, even if it hit me in the face. My demons were making me insane, just enough for me to wanted the easiest way out. Once, there was a rope on my neck, just waiting to be hung and be done with it. The easiest way out. A brave jump was standing between me and death. Did she know that? I might have known her demons, but she didn't know mine.

Once I told her that she's the water and I was the fire. A burning fire deep within, which could only be tamed with water. She was the only few things that could calmed my anger and insecurities. She quenched the thirst and brought me happiness. Even if it was only momentarily. The longer the fire was with the water, soon the water would evaporated and be gone. The water and fire, a story with no possible happy ending, for it would bring an end to the other.

Five years had passed and I asked myself what the hell was this thing that I've been feeling for years. Was it love or just a game that I really wanted to win? Why couldn't I stop? If this was just a game, then it was supposed to end by the time I hit the game over. And if this was a game, then it was supposed to be fun with no strings attached. Just the way she wanted. Her gravity got a hold on me and I was constantly pulled into her from time to time. I wanted to let go, I really did. Just forget it like it didn't matter much, but the truth was I cared. I tried to forget her by being with somebody else, but it all were just halfhearted attempts, for half of my heart was with her ever since five years ago.