Five Years Ago

Chapter 5 - Another Start

She came back into my life when I was ready to give it up. I was so ready to surrender into the depth of depression. I questioned my purpose in life and found that none of the answers were acceptable. I found out that I was into girls too and had no idea of what to do with it. I had never felt so alone, but I didn't seek help and pushed all of my friends away. I was in the middle of a tunnel and there was no light at the end. I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up. I got a rope on my neck and was good to go. At the end of the line, I was dying to die. By chance, she showed up and gave the much needed thrill into my life once again.

I found out that she was gay too, or a least a bi, when I saw her profile on Wapa. It's an apps like Tinder, only it's for gay girls. A friend showed me the girls on her accounts and my eyes caught a familiar face. It was a bit of understatement to say that I was shocked.

"Wait. Stop there," I put my hand on my friend's to stop her from scrolling down the page. "I know her!" I pointed at Emma's picture. "She was my junior in the university."

"Really?" My friend moved away her finger to see Emma's picture more clearly. "She's cute."

"Of course she is," I muttered absentmindedly. My thought was still busy with the realization that Emma was gay too.

"Maybe I'll send her a message later." My friend grinned mischievously, while glancing sideways to see my reaction. Her grinned disappeared when she saw my face. I stared at her with such intensity, she instantly knew that her intention was totally unacceptable.

"No," I pointed my index finger at her. "I used to have a crush on her back then. I'm going to be the one who'll text her."

"Geez, okay. I won't." She held up her hands and laughed. "Good luck with her, bro."

*

I installed Wapa on my phone after I left work. I really wanted to send her a message there, but I wasn't really sure that it was a good idea. I still couldn't believe that she was gay too. The last time we talked, I almost confessed to her that I was gay, but she gave me the impressions that she didn't approve of that kind of lifestyle. I thought that maybe that was some kind of joke. Or maybe it was an ancient profile and she was just curious. I tired myself out with the whole damn lot of possibilities and crazy assumptions.

"Man, my life gets weirder and weirder these days," I muttered to myself.

I waited for a day until I finally decided to contact her. I opened her profile on my Line account and lingered there. I clicked on her profile picture to delay the incoming awkward moment. She was really pretty, I thought. The long lost feeling started to resurface again when I saw her picture, the soft features of her face. An alarm was blaring in my mind instantly. A voice from inside of my head warned me to not go there again. You've had enough, it said.

"Okay, here we go." I exhaled loudly and started to type my message.

We talked about recent events in our lives for a while, since it was totally stupid and inappropriate to shoot the personal question right away. I only planned to ask her whether she was gay or not. I didn't intend to tell her that I liked girls too that time. But it felt really great to talk with her again, I forgot how to control my stupid mouth and be cool for once. I was not only admitted that I was bi too, but I also confessed my feelings for her in the past. It was like I lost my mind. The hope of being with her, the one that I thought had died a long time ago, suddenly was there again. I went crazy once again for her. Thankfully, she accepted my confession gracefully and shot me down gently.

"I liked you back then. Five years ago I met you and I felt something that I wasn't supposed to feel for other girls. I couldn't explain it back then, but I understand it now. Now it all makes sense, why it hurt so much when you drifted apart from me. Why I cared so much about you."

"Thank you for that, for your honesty," she replied.

I looked at her reply and my heart sank a little. A thank you wasn't a good sign. A thank you meant a no.

"I don't have to answer it, right? Since you are only saying and all?"

"Well, it's up to you. I don't want to push or anything. But I would always be wondering about it, you know, about us."

"Hmm. I have to admit that you caught me by surprise with your confession. I mean, I just found out that you're like that too. I can't say that I suddenly like you too."

"Of course. I understand," I replied. It was late, I should had just went to sleep then. Just like they said in the movie, nothing good happens after 2 AM.

"You just came at the wrong moment. I just got my heart broken. I still feel empty inside. I'm not looking for something serious right now. And I don't want to mess with your heart. I just can't do that."

I really wanted to tell her how much I wanted to be that person who chased away the emptiness from her heart. I wanted to fill it with happiness, not just with broken promises. I wasn't that guy. The cracks in my heart, with her name on it, reminded me that I wasn't good enough for that. She was out of my league, the unattainable girl from the past. I knew that then.

"Someday, someone is going to be lucky to have you," she said.

"That could be you, you know?"

*

I woke up in the next morning feeling stupid as hell. I opened my eyes and the first thought that crossed my mind that morning was, "What the hell did I do last night? God damn it!" Still lying in bed, I groaned loudly and covered my face with the palm of my hands. I reread our last night's conversations, while cursing myself for being the insanely stupid person that I was. I flirted with her that night, for the first time I was able to do what I was dying to do five years ago. What really terrified me was how great it felt. It made me feel more alive that I had felt in months. She sparked the fire within me, which had been flickering lately.

I had to tell someone about this or I'd go crazy from over thinking about everything. I knew that pursuing Emma again wasn't the best idea, but I had to hear it from my friends. Honestly, even if they told me just that, I would certainly ignored their advices and went for her anyway. But I had to do what I had to do. When in doubt, called your friends. So I called my best bros, Finn and Zack, asking for their opinions on this situation.

"Finn, I really, really like her. I always have, I guess. Am I crazy for wanting her again?"

"Tay, if you are that curious, just go for it. But remember," he looked at me right in the eyes to emphasize his message, "no expectations. Do what you have to do as long as it makes you happy. If it's starting to hurt you, just stop. You don't need this right now."

He was right. I wasn't in the right mind that time. I barely escaped from my suicidal thoughts. I was still depressed and questioning about my whole life. I wasn't thinking clearly. Logically, I should had just dropped the issue and moved on. Unfortunately, my logic had no say in this matter, for the feelings were stronger that time.

"I know, I know," I nodded my head from side to side, totally agreed with him. Not ready to drop the topic, I tried to reason with him, to justify my future actions and craziness. "But she makes me happy now. She makes me feel alive again. I'm going to get her, Finn."

He just laughed at my fiery statement. "Okay. Just don't think too much, Tay."

"Yeah, I tend to do that and screw things up," I chuckle, while I run my fingers through my hair. "I know that this is crazy. I know that this would likely to not end well. But it's Emma, Finn," I looked at him with a hopeful glance. "She's definitely worth the efforts."

I knew that I was a foolish in love, but I didn't know that I was that foolish. I knew the exact direction that this turn of event would go. I could identify this kind of feeling from miles away. The strongest force on earth, which couldn't be subsided. It had already dead before, but apparently it only paused. I didn't start from zero, but continued right from where I left it. Suddenly, I was falling in love.