Five Years Ago

Chapter 4 - When She Left

Expectation had some special ways to destroy what we already had in life. It never actually happened in reality. It only made you less grateful for what you had already had on your hands. You already had two but you wanted more. You already got her time, but you wanted it all. You expected people to come through, but the timing just wasn't right. Or the person just wasn't right. The expectation would turn into bitterness in a flash. It would leave you always thinking of what could have been.

The next semester after she got in, I became the head of a division in my organization. I was this perfectionist jerk, never took a no as answer. I pushed boundaries, only expected the best out of the people I worked with. One hundred percent, nothing less, only more. It wasn't a really bad thing, to expect the best. I really believed that when you aim for the best, it would only open more room to grow. I wasn't afraid to speak up my mind and being the antagonist one in process. It was for the best, or so I thought. I did what I had to do. That was just the way I was back then.

She was one of my staff in the organization. When she picked my division, I was ecstatic. It meant that I'd get to spend more time with her. I could teach her things that I knew of, made her to be so much better than I was. Later on, she turned out to be just that, a bigger person that I was. But now that I knew the outcomes and repercussions, I just wished that she picked something else. Just like my juniors after her. Then I wouldn't have to push her too hard. I wouldn't be giving her scolding, only advices and supports. I would be there for her, not ordering her to show up and perform. I would be her hero, not her nightmares.

*

When I stepped into the room, my eyes instantly searched for her tall figure. She was supposed to be there for that night's meeting. I found where her friends were and she wasn't there. Feeling awfully disappointed, I took my place at the front with my friends. It had been a long and tiring day. I was counting on that meeting to make my day a little bit brighter, because I thought she would be there too. I needed her presence since I had a feeling that this meeting would be exhausting as hell. God knows what all of the seniors would do that time.

Being the head of character development division wasn't exactly an easy part to do. Especially with what I had in mind for my division and organization at that time. Not everyone wants to play the bad guy part. As unappealing as it was, it was necessary. They picked me to do it because I was good at it. I liked it at first, but it was getting old, being the one who always had to say what was needed to be said. Sometimes, I wanted to be the good guy, someone who could afford not giving any shits to all of the mess. I was tired of those shits, but quitting wasn't an option.

"Where were you yesterday? Why did you miss the meeting?" I asked her when I saw her sitting in front of our secretariat.

"Sorry, Tay. I already had an appointment." She said a lot of those nowadays. It felt like she was slowly stepping away from my life.

"Oh, okay. I understand." I left her there, wallowing in my disappointment.

I countered her disappearances with silence and anger. I said a lot of things to her, which were not really saying what I really meant. If only I could rephrase it right then, maybe everything would stay the same. But I was too proud to really speak what I had in heart. I said what I had in mind instead.

"I missed you last night. The meeting was awful. It would be better if you were there. I like to see your face among the crowds when I'm facing all of the critiques and doubts."

I should have said that. I should have been kinder, gentler. I should have offered her supports when she was in doubts, not just some cold strategic advices. I should have tell her that I believed in her. Sometimes more than I believed in myself.

*

One of the worst things in life is the sight of a loved one's back walking away from you. At first, when something started, it felt like it was going to last forever. The more my heart got broken when somebody left, the more pieces of it I had lost. Until there were only just enough to keep me going day by day. Faith was lost and trust was broken. I started to be the one who did the leaving part. I thought I was done being stupid.

Months later, the distance between us grew farther and farther apart. I watched her walking away, paralyzed by my ego and pride. She looked happier when she met my friends than me. She just rushed to meet them and pulled them into a warm hug. And I was just right there, staring at then enviously. She talked with more fervor with them than when she talked with me. Like she was on a thin ice. Like I was a bomb that was ready to blow. From the way I acted around her, it was only right that she acted the way she did back then. I knew it, I just couldn't accept it. It still hurt nevertheless. Looking at her back when I used to see her smile. Jealousy and pain took charge and set my guards up. I did the only way that I knew of. I gave up and walked away too.

As the distance grew, I continuously asked myself the same question. What the hell did I do wrong? I knew right from the start that the blame was on me. I wanted to know why, just only to get her back. I acted like I didn't care, my greatest defense mechanism. The truth was I hoped that one day she would come back. I waited and waited. Sometimes I tried to chase, but she wouldn't just stop moving. She was there, I could still see her. Some bridges had been burnt down and I was standing on the other side of the ledge.

I just couldn't hit the stop button even when she was already gone. It just didn't work that way. When you care about someone, you just don't stop even when the door's already closed. I told my friends that I didn't really care, but I still watched her from afar. I went to see her performances, heard her sing under the spotlights. I shamefully lingered on her social media accounts, keeping tabs on how her life went. At first, it was really hard to forget her. My friends always pointed out her mistakes and achievements in the organization to me. When they started their sentence with, "Do you know that Emma," it actually hurt when the answer was, "I didn't." A mix of longing, regrets and resentments stayed in my heart for almost a year. It's true when they said time will heal almost everything. One day, the feelings finally subsided. I accepted my part and was satisfied with it. On a separate path, we continued our lives.

*

She often asked me this. Did I regret choosing her that night? Setting my eyes on her, and my heart letting my heart joined later? I made a lot of mistakes in my life, but that wasn't one of those. The unexplainable feelings I had for her made me crazy. It made me did things that I wasn't proud of. It made me possessive toward the person who wasn't mine. It brought out the green eyed monster in me, the jealousy. It deluded my mind and compromised my choices. I pushed her away with my insanity, when what I intended was the otherwise. I wanted more that I could get. Not having her close might be the safer option. It would've saved me from all of these troubles. The easiest choice. But nothing easy is worth fighting for. I didn't want easy, I wanted her. You just couldn't put a price on happiness, no matter how brief it was. She took me on a roller coaster ride and I enjoyed the ride.

If I could turn back time, I would do all of it differently. I would undo all of my past mistakes and foolishness. I would write a different story than I wrote now. I wouldn't change her, I would change me. I would say the right words, did the right things. I would tell the truth, not just playing between the lines. I would say sorry when I mean it. I would say 'I miss you' when she's gone. I would say 'I love you', even when I didn't really understand it. I wouldn't be too proud, because just look where it got me now. I would put myself out there, letting those feelings to be felt. I wouldn't be afraid of consequences, not when the prize's worth it.

But now, the only thing that's left to say is sorry. It came from the past, from the deep part of my heart. I wished it would be enough, to set me free from always looking behind my back. I wished it would be heard by the very person I had in mind. I wished her heart would be touched, the same way she had touched mine.