Five Years Ago

Chapter 7 - The Way It Ended

Things went downhill from that night. What used to be fun turned plainly frustrating. What was once to be heaven had turned into hell. I tried hard to not give up on this, tightened my grip on my faltering faith. But from the things she said and the way she acted, I knew that she had already left. It was time for me to wake up.

I remembered what Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother said about this situation. Marshall asked him, "How many times do you have to watch this crash and burn before you say, 'Enough'?" He was a believer too. He said, "One more. One more time. One more big, beautiful, stupid, romantic gesture. And then, whatever she says, yes or no, that's it. If it's yes, great. If it's no, then I am done going after Robin forever." I did exactly what he said. One more stupid, romantic gesture before I was done with Emma. For that last stupid act, I needed to see her.

I asked her beforehand whether she was going to go to her cousin's coffee shop that night. Fortunately, she was. I drove to Bintaro with my mind racing away to many different directions. I didn't know what I wanted to say. I didn't know how the hell I was going to act in front of her. I was sure as hell that it would be awkward, but I didn't care. I had to see her before I moved on with my life. On the way to our meeting point, I passed a florist.

"Sure. Why the hell not?" I thought. If I was going to burn some bridges that night, I might as well burned it with roses and fire. I bought her a bouquet of white roses, to say sorry for my stubbornness and mistakes. To let her see the things I did for love.

Since I wanted to have a private and serious conversation with her, I didn't go out of my car and texted her instead. It would be really awkward if I went out there with a bouquet of roses in hand.

"Hey, are you already there?"

I waited for her reply from inside of my car. The song Love Yourself by Justin Bieber was blaring out of my car's stereo. I felt every words he said that time. She should be something I didn't want to hold back. I waited there for a long time, waiting for her reply. After an hour or so, I started to think that this was a bad idea. I went out of my car and searched for her inside of the cafe. She was there. She was playing with her phone. It was clear that she didn't want to be found. I just stood there, fury starting to cloud my judgment. I turned around and went inside of my car. I drove away and left her there with the remains of whatever feeling I still had for her. I was done.

I threw away the bouquet from the window of my car. I pulled away to the side of the road after I drove for five minutes or so. I stopped and just processed whatever just happened there. I waited for sadness to take over but there were none. I waited my heart to break once again for her, but it didn't. Deep down, I had seen this coming. I was already prepared for this shit. I felt free instead. Apparently, that was just exactly what I needed to move on. One last big disappointment from one failed attempt of grand romantic gesture.

She replied my message on the next day. She said that her phone was dead, thus no reply was able to given. I felt my eyes rolling so hard from reading it.

"Yeah? I went there, you know."

"So why didn't you find me?"

"Well, I tried. I saw you with your friends there, you were playing with your phone. Your message was well-received. I went home instead."

"Fine, suit yourself. I don't need this. Any of these dramas."

"Okay. I'm sorry. For everything."

"Don't worry about it. I'm fine with it, really."

*

The history tends to repeat itself. I guess that's why we have to learn from our mistakes. Well, I didn't. I ignored all of the blaring warnings right in front of me. I went all the way for the girl despite of the risks and repercussions. I wanted to say that I did not regret it, but I guess I did regret it a little. I regretted the stupid things I said. My impatience. The awful pickup lines I made for her. The irrational actions I did. All of those things. But I couldn't say that I regret those moments I had with her. At least not now. Maybe later, after I could see things more clearly in time.

Of course after that night, the feeling didn't disappear completely. I still missed her from time to time. I still had the urge to contact her. My fingers were still hovering over her profile, itching to press the chat button. But I didn't do it. The door was already closed for sure this time. There was no point of knocking now. So I started to write this story instead. To pour all of the remained feelings away from me into words. To make something out of this mess I was in. A way to say goodbye to the girl that stole my heart five years ago.