Letting Go

It's Chris

Frozen.

No, not the Disney movie with the cone shaped snowman.

I'm. Frozen.

The whole room is silent, except for the loud Spice girl's song coming from my butt. A part of me is in denial, that it isn't my phone. But the reality is, it is my phone, and I would have to do something about it.

My hand reaches for the back pocket of my jeans, and pulls out my phone. They must have been shaking a lot, because my phone slips out of my hand and drops on the floor.

If I was alone, I would have yelled:
"FUCKING USELESS. WHAT ARE YOU, A FOOT?"

Because, you know, I yell at my body parts like they can actually understand what I'm saying. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I crouch down to pick it up, but someone beat me to it. In a flash, Chris picks up the phone and turns it off. He slips it inside his pockets. It's almost as if it never happened, but the silence in the room and the half surprised, half annoyed faces directed at us are the proof of the scene that I made.

Social situations like this are the sole reason as to why I'd actually like to live life as a hermit. My sister, who is completely the opposite, does not understand this and refuses to accept it. She says, 'everyone has his or her own little inner puppy'- which is, if you ask me, a really bad analogy. Bad or good analogy aside, I must have an extremely tired puppy inside of me 24/7. Why my mother decided to born me this way, I do not know, and I prefer not to question, either. It's better this way.

"Lily! What a surprise!" Tracy exclaims.

Her words are an indecipherable morse code. It's a talent, really. I don't and never will understand her underlying and possibily offensive remarks and therefore she and I can never be friends. Unless, like C.S. Lewis once said, maybe if I keep pretending to understand, I'll be able to crack the hidden message in the end. But I really doubt there will be an end.

"And you are?" She looks at Chris.

"I'm-"

"That's Lily's boyfriend," Kailey speaks out of nowhere, cutting Chris off mid-sentence.

My head snaps toward where she stands.

She's smiling proudly like she's announcing her engagement. With that personality, that'll be the closest thing she'll be able to annouce, yet alone an engagement. Harsh, I know. But she really doesn't know when to shut her goddamn mouth.

Now everyone's looking back and forth at me and Chris. They're probably thinking: How the hell did she end up with him? Or vice versa.

I want to protest, but nothing comes out of my mouth.

"Oh, I see. Well, welcome," Tracy finishes with a slight smile with a hint of annoyance.

She continues her speech to which it ends shortly. Chris and I are still glued to our spots. Seems like my friend also didn't know what to make of that situation.

I sense someone staring at me, so I turn my head to meet his or her gaze.

An uncomfortable feeling courses through my body, and the urge to run out of that place hits me harder than ever. It's him. The same blue eyes, the same curly brown hair that I knew of two years ago- he hasn't changed much except for the slight stubble on his chin. The same person that I thought I fell in love with years ago, but also the same person that tore me apart into pieces. A ball forms in my throat, and I swallow it down, letting out a shaky breath, and tugging on Chris's arm.

"Chris, let's go."

This time, he doesn't rebute.
I tear my gaze away from the person standing 10 feet in front of me and head towards the door.

"Lily!"

I ignore the voice.

"Lil'!" He yells again, this time closer and louder. I cringe. I walk faster.

"Lil'! Please!" A hand wraps around my forearm and spins me around like a thin thread on a spool. I'm weak and helpless. Especially around him.I don't look him in the eye. Chris stands next to me confused.

"Lily, I just wanted to say hi," he searches my face for any sign of emotion.

"You just wanted to say hi?" My voice comes out hoarse, weak and frail.

I briefly look up at him. His face lightens up with hope.

"Well, hi," I quickly mutter, then without a farewell, I turn around and walk outside the door of the house.

Half a moment later, (a/n: Is that a thing? Well I just made it a thing.) his hands grip my arm again.

"Li-"

"Eli, no!" I snatch my arm out of his grasp. My eyes moistens but I dare to spill.

"Come on Li-"

"I think she told you plenty of times she doesn't want to talk to you."

Chris holds a strong grip on Eli's forearm which reached for my shoulder. He stand between me and Eli, protective and and serious.

Eli looks flabbergasted.

"How do you know if she doesn't want to talk to me? Huh?" Eli's face is slightly fuming and searches my face.
"You wanna talk to me, right? You'll talk to me." The second statement sounded more like an order, not a question. I don't respond to him, neither do I meet his eye. I'm standing so that my left side faces his front, just enought so that I could see Chris.

When Eli seemed to have got the idea that I actually didn't want to talk, he decided to direct his anger towards Chris.

"Who are you? You're not her boyfriend. I know you're not her boyfriend. I've known her for 6 years and she doesnt-"

"He is my boyfriend!" I yell at him, surprised that I could form a sentence. Chris looks at me wide eyed and Eli even crazier. Please, just this time, Chris, don't say anything.

"Lily, I know you! Remember? You- you were the girl that took things with precaution and- and you said I was the one that you had a crush on for as long as you could remember and I know you don't and wouldn't easily-"

"If this is what you wanted to converse about then I definitely don't want to talk to you, or look at you, or want to be anywhere close to you. Chris is my boyfriend, and if you're so butt hurt about it then maybe you should go to Laura and vent all your feelings to her. I'm not who you think I am and I don't to see you ever again. Chris, let's go."

I somehow bring my taut body to turn and walk towards my car, shaking along the way.

"Keys?" Chris has his hands out. I hand him the car keys with my shaking hands. Yeah, it's probably a good idea to let him drive. I'd probably swerve and crash with all this jitteriness.

I don't look back. I don't care if Eli is still there or if he went back inside. Two years ago I might have, but not now.

We're driving out of town and entering a freeway. My hand was still spasming and fidgeting with the hem of my shirt when a big, warm, comforting hand enveloped mine. Chris' rough but soft hand squeezes mine with a rhythmic pulse, and I feel myself calm down bit by bit. When he feels me relax a bit, he weaves his fingers through mine forming a tight clasp. I squeeze back, holding onto his hand like it's my life line.

During the middle of the silent but not awkward car ride, he clears his throat.

"So... Am I your boyf-"

"Shut up."

"Okay."

After this, it's not clear who started this rollercoaster, but a small burst of giggles turned into a hearty chuckle, then into a loud laughter, and soon enough the sound of our cackling voices reverbrated through the car, shaking and jostling it. No, it wasn't funny. I don't know why I laughed like I just encountered the funniest thing in my life. It could have been a way for me to chanel all of my mixed emotion through laughing, but it could have been just that everything that happened previously just seemed silly and really, really weird from a broader aspect. Whatever it was, it felt nice to let go, and most of all I was glad Chris was sitting right beside me, laughing righy along. It could have been Chris; it could have just been his presence that made every bad thing seem less and every good things great.

It was Chris.