Letting Go

Decisions

Chris's POV

Chocolate...she tastes like chocolate. Probably from the whole tub of ice cream that we ate. I don't know what came over me, but I'm kissing her. Am I drunk? No, I'm pretty sure the ice cream sobered me up, plus I only drank two shots. But am I? Fuck. I don't know.

She's completely still, she's still as a rock. She must be really surprised right now. I mean no one expected this to happen, not even me. It just kind of happened, I guess, like an animal instinct. I wonder if I should pull away and pretend it never happened, or continue on with the kiss. I choose the latter.

Ever since Alicia broke up with me, I've been nothing but a sulking mess. Part of the reason why I got fired, was because I accidentally set a car piece on fire (no pun intended) since my mind was drifting somewhere else thinking about Alicia. All those late night talks, the moments that we shared, the dates, and our kisses- I wonder if she really meant it. I wonder if she actually loved me, or cared, and I begin to doubt whether if everything was just a big fat lie.

I changed for her, and she changed me. I'm a whole different person now than I was 3 years ago. Back then I was an egotistical jerk that didn't let anyone in. I would party every weekend, hook up with as many girls as I can, got drunk as much as possible. I hated myself to be really honest. And I guess partying was a way for me to forget about everything. It's now been two months, and I tried to forget about the pain she had caused me by using my old method. Partying. But it hasn't been working, since all it does is remind me of Alicia and how lonely I am. No one understands me either. Neither my parents, nor my friends. They would blame me first instead of asking me if I'm doing fine. And I really don't have the patience to deal with their bullshit criticism right now, when I already feel terrible myself.
Except for Lily.
We're practically strangers, but I feel a weird sense of comfort around her. She understands me because she didn't know me beforehand to judge me based on my past. I feel like I can be happy again around her, and that's what led me back to her apartment today.

I slowly move my lips against her lips, and little by little I can feel Lily softening under my touch. I gently caress her body closer to me, and she wraps her arm around my neck. Our bodies are tangled together as our kisses becomes more heated, and I feel more alive. I think I made the right decision by kissing her; I have a presumption that maybe whatever this is between me and Lily could work out and she can help me move on.

But Lily abruptly breaks us apart by pushing her hand against my shoulder. She scrambles to sit up and away from me, and her cheeks blush red, which I find it weirdly compelling. My immediate response was to say "sorry" but honestly I didn't feel sorry at all.

"Uhm. No, it's...uh, it's fine... I just.. just maybe, I mean no offense, but your emotions could be all over the place right now and maybe you might not be making a fully aware decision, so," she stutters.

"Uhh, yeah yeah, of course. You're right." All my hopes I had between me and Lily goes down the drain. Maybe I'm not fully sober yet, or maybe, like what Lily said, my uncontrollable emotions are making me do crazy stuff, maybe this was not a good decision. And even worse, maybe I'm just using her to get over Alicia. Now that's really bad.

Lily stands up first. "We should go to sleep now, it's getting really late."

I look at the clock and see its already past twelve. I nod and throw off all the cushions on the couch to make more room for my 6 foot tall body. When I turn around, Lily is still there.

She speaks, "If you want, you can sleep on my bed, I mean I'm not, well I just thought, cause you're really tall and-"

"Yeah sure. That'd be great," I smile as I cut her off. In the corner of my eye, I can see her letting out a deep breath.

I follow her into the dark room. I see her room more of her room than last time. In the dark, I can point out a few things, like white bed sheets, wooden decorations and a cluttered desk. We both slip under the sheets as we close our eyes.

"Night, Chris,"

"Good night," I whisper.

She sleeps in under 5 minutes; I can hear her steady soft breath in the silence. But I, on the other hand, have too many thoughts going around my head to fall asleep. I keep replaying the day Alicia and I met, and the day we broke up, and now I think about the kiss between Lily and I. When I'm deep in thought, Lily scares me by slumping her arm on my torso. She's still sleeping, but she mumbles incoherent words that I cannot make out. She's sleep talking. I laugh under my breath as I turn my attention towards her. Her face is turned towards my direction, and her soft brown hair lays upon it. I reach my hand over, and gently remove her hair from her visage. For the first time since I met her, I notice her short stubby lashes, her moundy nose and her plump chapped lips. She's not perfect, she's not Alicia, and as much as my heart still yearns for the girl I loved for three years, Lily is still beautiful.

I don't know what I've gotten myself into these days, but whatever it is, I don't want to stop.

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WOOHOOO YEAH
I love Chris so much
He's my fav characterrr
He's very gentlemanly and vulnerable and like ahhhhhhhhh yes why can't you be real>:(
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(I have 18 reads and 4 of them is from me lmfao)
<3 <3 <3