July 4.......
The Person That Broke My Heart The Hardest.
So far, nothing much has happened in my life. I keep away from people and try to not let what they do affect me. But I would have to say My Aunt Tobby's son, BJ.
Yeah. There's a lot I can't explain just yet.
I will try to explain the best I can so you won't be entirely confused.
BJ was the one cousin I liked hanging out with and talking to. I was around seven or eight and him maybe eleven or twelve. I can't really remember what we did or talked about but I do remember the quiet little moments we shared. Just sitting in silence watching his fish swim around in it's tank that had a little sign in it, "No fishing!" I thought that was funny considering it was a fish tank for a pet fish. Who would go fishing in it. I remember talking and laughing but not anything we ever said. I remember him making me feel safe and at home. I was so sick of the way his brother, Patrick had treated me. I mean, I was his cousin after all!!
I think I always told BJ everything that happened. It actually makes me smile thinking of the times I spent with BJ before all that crap went down. Memories can be good, can't they?
BJ was a person that I confided in. I'd tell him how my brothers were mean to me and he'd say they were just being brothers. I always had believed they hated me until BJ said that. It makes me wonder if BJ remembers this, too. I miss the BJ I knew.
(A/N It's really hard talking about this..just so you all know. I'm doing this for you all and for myself so I'll continue. Sorry, if you don't understand entirely.)
I had started telling him he was my favorite cousin. Then everytime I'd see him, he'd ask who was my favorite cousin. I'd always respond saying it was him. Thinking of this makes me both sad and happy.
I trusted him with everything I had. Being a little kid, that isn't saying much. But..when he used it against me. Made me feel guilty... everything changed.
He shouldn't have betrayed me. Now, he's just like his brother in my eyes. I wish I never could see him again. I wished he could be my old BJ. The one I knew and trusted. But it will NEVER change now. He will never get ANY trust back. He lost it. And so did I....Now, it'll always be different.
When I see him now, I try to hold myself back. I'll hurt him or myself in the process. I can't bare the sight of him. He is no longer MY BJ. That's what I have to tell myself. He's different.
I have forgiven him, yes. But that's it. We aren't cousins. We are NOT family. Family doesn't do that to each other. I just hope he gets better and knows that he was in the wrong. He did ruin a lot for me but I can't find it in myself to blame him. I blame myself and always will NO matter what anyone says.
BJ, my Aunt Tobby' son, is the one who broke my heart the hardest. It'll never be the same with him again. But...I found it in myself to forgive him. Although I'll always blame myself for what happened.
(A/N There you have it! I'm so proud of myself for writing this! Maybe, one day, I'll be able to write more and it not be so hard. :-) Thanks for reading! ^.^ Love you ALL!!! )
