Chocolate Shake (a Fairly OddParents fanfic)

40 years back and Wanda's return (Gucci).

Via a carrier pigeon named Willard, Wanda was tipped off by a goddamn snitch that there was some trouble a-brewin' back home. Wanda wasn't sure what the trouble was, so she left immediately to uncover the gossip.

Since Willard was a rare dodo and a slow boi at that, it took him 20 years to reach Wanda. (Hey, don't pick on Willard! Finding and traveling through a portal to Fairy World on foot takes some time. You wouldn't want to hurt Willard's feelings, now would you? He's a very delicate boi!!)

Wanda, understandingly, bypassed Willard's excruciatingly less-than-impressive speed and paid him with walnuts. Willard was speechless for he'd never received such a thoughtful gift before in his life!

"You have been so kind to me, Wadna," Willard murmured, nearly in tears. "Let me guide you home and offer you my protection."

"Thank you, Willard, but it's no trouble at all. Don't worry about me," Wander whispered. Her words said go, but her eyes said "fnuck me up, dad."

So that's what Willard did. The two creatures of aviation made sweet, sweet frickity frack. Wanda felt ashamed of herself for cheating on her one true lerve. How could Cosmo ever forgive her for such a heinous crime that he himself has, in no way, committed or ever come close to participating in?!?!?!

Wanda's heart sank like the Titanic in 1912 (rip in peace, yknow?) as she came to the conclusion that she was in love with two faggots. How could she decide who her heart belonged to?? Cosmo deserved her faithfulness, but Willard... Willard was a stronk boi who could give Woonder what she needed.

But the decision was clear; she knew whomst'd've to choose.

"Willard," she grossly sobbed, "I'm leaving you. I must traverse these plains alone."

"Understandable. Have a great day," Willard said solemnly with a defeated nod before disappearing into the darkness of the night because his broken heart was the last straw that fully transformed him into a madman of hostility and insanity that would one day find love in a novel that reveals his dark, twisted past slowly, bit by bit, until the reader goes from hating him to sympathizing with him to eventually falling in love with him.

After the heartache that was parting ways with Willard, Wanda came across many abnormalities during her adventure to get back home. For example, the gay agenda. It was everywhere! From rainbow candy canes to crayons, it was turning the tides and dominating the world by passive aggressive force.

"God," Wander scoffed, "why are the flaming gays trying to take away the heterosexuality found in gold fish???"

A man passed by and clapped for Woodna, agreeing that heterosexual gold fish were his favorite along with heterosexual lightbulbs. After calling Wanda a revolutionary, he melted to the ground like ice and evaporated.

Wanda was heated more than ever before by all these new sights and, regrettably, joined a street fighting gang. Her criminal record first started, however, when she assaulted a corn chip in the street for standing next to a gay agenda subliminal message and for looking at her funny. It was all downhill from there; she got into drugs, specifically the devil's lettuce laced with crack cocaine.

After years of wasting her life on a downward spiral, one day a Quiznos sign holder found her on the city streets of New York in the thicc inches of snow and freezing cold. He offered her a singular fingerless glove, and inside the glove was a crumpled up piece of paper with an address scrawled on it in invisible ink.

Curious, Woonder trekked all the way to Asia, where the address lead to a school up in the mountains specifically created to hone her anger management skills. Understanding the Quiznos sign holder's intentions, Wanda trained bravely and diligently, and, after a mere 5 years, she gained the title "Master of Holding Things In So Deep Inside That No One Ever Finds Them, But Healthily Doing Such."

Wanda knew in her heart of hearts that she was ready to finally head home to Cosmo and Timmy. Smiling fondly, Wanda looked at the watch on a passerby's wrist and exclaimed, "Looks like it's been about a week since I left Cosmo. I better get home."