Mhen

IV.

Year 0001.

Back to zero. I'm alone, DotA doesn't seem to care. The spotlight changed it focus. 
I never felt this lonely, but it's my fault anyway.

Life goes on.

Lifeless life.

I'm on a point blank, all of a sudden nawalan ako ng focus.

I lose reason to be happy and to be alive. I'm not suicidal but i'm really depressed.
Sa puntong yun, mas naging close ako sa family ko. At the end of the day, sila ang kakapitan mo, sila ang uunawa sa'yo kahit gaano kamali ang ginawa mo. They tried to stood me up.

I did, eventually. But i'm stationary. Just standing. Not moving at any cause.

Naging obsessed ako sa musika, binaling ko lahat ng mga nararamdaman ko sa kanta.
Sinusulat ko sa kwaderno, nilalapatan ko ng himig at binabagayan ko ang ritmo.
and somehow, that made me feel okay again.

I kept myself busy. Doing anything just keeping myself busy.

But at the end of the day, maalala ko parin mga maling desisyon ko. Kaso wala na rin tayo magagawa.

Long story short, i tried regaining myself over the years.
Lagi akong naiinvolve sa mga groups which i manage to build quite  steadily.

I tried but i fail everytime.

There's still a part of me that longs to be with her.

Everytime na may magsabi na "May surprise kami sa'yo!", I expect na siya yun.
Everytime na may magsabi na "May naghahanap sa'yo." I hope si Mhen yun.
And everyday when i wake up, open the door, i somehow hope to see her on the otherside.

I have no assurance, na babalik sya. But i always hope.
I never really commit to a relationship since then, so many what if's that i grasp on.
I'm always hesitant to leave the past. I live in the past.

Siguro duwag nga lang ako, duwag na makihalubilo sa mga tao, takot ako magpatuloy ng buhay ko. At ginagawa ko nalang na rason ang di ko parin makalimutan si Mhen. But somehow, everytime i try to forget her, laging may isang bagay na magpapaalala ulit sa'kin sa kanya.

Mapa, notebook ko sa Geometry na siya nag lecture, yung annual book namin sa highschool, class picture namin, or sometimes, seeing her all of  a sudden sa daan or anywhere. Parating may reason to remember her.

Mahirap pala magsulat ng mga thoughts na ganito dahil magmumukha akong bobo sa paningin nyo pero i think destiny is real.

I believe we're destined to be together. Though kung susumahin mo yung time na magkasama kami, halos less than 3 years lang, pero yung mga taon na yun yung pinakamasaya ako.

I always want to see myself happy again. My eyes grew weaker and paler each day. It's like they're lost. They already gave up.

I can't find the proper reasoning, a valid reasoning for my behavior up to this point. But what i am asking is just a small window, just an opportunity to make things right.