Blue Christmas

Part 20:

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"Why are you doing this?"

Of all the reactions The Doctor hadn't been expecting tears, tears and a broken kind of silence from her of all people. The Mistress was fire and passion and chaos. She was blood and brilliance and now she was broken because of him.

"Is this just some new delaying tactic?" The Mistress rephrased her question staring deeply into The Doctor's eyes. "Another one of your tricks?"

"No." The Doctor insisted reaching up and cupping her cheek, not surprised when Missy flinched away from his touch. "Please just let me..." He pleaded lifting his other hand to cradle her face between his hands. "Just let me show you..."

Hesitant and wary The Mistress felt her skin burn under his touch, as his long strong fingers stroked along her cheekbones before sliding up to her temples. The buzz of his surface thoughts now grew in crescendo, yet unlike before this time The Doctor was willingly lowering what remained of his shields and welcoming her into his mind, this time he made no effort to try and hide or flee from her. The Doctor practically wrapped himself around her, preening and rubbing against her like a purring cat allowing the very feelings he had hidden from them both to slowly surface.

I've decided to stop running.

Missy didn't even attempt to hide her disbelief and contempt. The Doctor had always run, it was one of his defining characteristics. When things got tough, when he had to face up to consequences, he just didn't.

I'm facing them now aren't I?

One swallow doesn't make a summer as your little pets would say Doctor Missy's mental sneer didn't need to be heard, it had a life all of its own.

Yes they have lots of them The Doctor's amusement at The Mistress's choice of a human phrase to argue her point filled his mindscape, colouring everything in a warm amber glow; Besides every journey starts with a single step.

Your humans do so love to contradict themselves. It is a wonder you can rely on them to know their minds at all...something you and your pets have in common Doctor.

Instead of continuing the standoff The Doctor began to summon feelings and memories, slowly so as not to panic or bombard her with them. He could still feel The Mistress tense within his mental embrace as if preparing herself for an attack, yet when he made no attempt to breech her shields she relaxed slightly despite herself.

First he showed her his amazement, memories of times that her sheer brilliance had stolen his breath. Then his gratitude often for deeds The Mistress would have thought long forgotten about and where he had often been so focused on himself and his objective that The Doctor had never even paused to thank her. So he thanked her now, and felt even through her defences her surprise and pleasure.

Respect came next. For her tenacity and her perseverance, something that The Doctor knew was a distinct failing in himself. He had always been drawn to what was other the hill, the next planet, the next adventure and it meant that he rarely had the patience to see something through to the end. Whereas The Mistress, well some of her puzzle and plots had taken years, decades even to position all the pieces. If The Doctor had ever been forced to solve her puzzles using the same foresight that The Mistress used to plan them then he knew he would fail every time, he relied more on instinct, insight and circumstance to aid him. He was the hare, The Mistress the tortoise

Not the most flattering analogy Doctor.

Brushing aside her pique The Doctor caressed her mental shields treating Missy to a rare flash of desire, of pretending not to stare at her bare legs in his shirt, her swaying backside in that fitted armour. The hypnotic taste of her lips and the burning need inside him that part him still felt compelled to hide; that very ungallifreyan desire to join with her physically as well as mentally.

Then why didn't you?
Because of circumstances, because I was a coward afraid you would reject me. Then when I knew you wouldn't it didn't...It wouldn't have been right. The Doctor projected the feeling of wrongness he had felt when her human counterpart had kissed him. The desire was still there but it was tainted. It wasn't you and I could never forget that, not really.

So you did miss me?

Always The Doctor insisted reverently finally allowing the true depth of his affection for her to surface...the tenderness and fierceness with which she cared and protected their young...his own possessive satisfaction at this time being her mate...the shameful jealousy he had hidden over her first family...

You didn't hide it that well the first time. Missy remarked even as she gloated in the knowledge that she had not been the only one to resent having to share.

Then the joy, the relief he had foolishly squashed every time she returned to him, not just so that he would never be alone but the hope that this time...maybe this time they could find some way to make it work. I never ever want to be apart from you again Koschei The Doctor pleaded mentally tugging at her as though he could envelop her entirely and fuse them into one being through sheer longing.

Yet just when he thought he had shared too much, that The Mistress was simply going to turn and leave him to stew in his misery alone; those formidable shields of hers, the ones she had built so high that barely a whisper of her thoughts escaped without express permission, began to fall and for the first time since they were naive innocent children The Doctor was welcomed inside.

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