Blue Christmas

Part 19:

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Not for the first time her pet human had a point.

If she were her normal self it might have irked Missy taking any sort of advice from a human. Still as she marched The Doctor into the utility room and shut the door firmly behind her, Missy made a mental note to offer to take Skip somewhere nice in The Doctor's Tardis later. Not as a thank you. Missy didn't do thankyous but she did respect and acknowledge debts.

She watched as The Doctor stopped in the confined space his shoulders slumped in defeat as he turned around to face his executioner. For a long moment their gazes held, The Doctor broken and defeated, The Mistress resolute and victorious.

"Go on then get it over with." The Doctor broke the tense silence opening his shirt, exposing the pale skin of his chest and kneeling down before her.

Missy stalked over pressing the dull knife to his chest as she debated between the slowly and messy approach or the quick and clean of her disrupter. Her hand resting over his hearts savouring the way they beat quickly because of her. "Any last words dearest?"

Catching her gaze The Doctor nodded, and when The Mistress magnanimously inclined her head for him to speak he began quiet and solemn. "I am sorry I hurt you Koschei and I forgive you..."

"Oh please not this again..." Missy huffed with a roll of her eyes, surprised when The Doctor reached up and covered her hand on his chest with one of his own, opening his fragile mind and allowing the truth of his words to wash over her.

"Do you think that will make me change my mind? So you're really sorry Doctor, you should be, that doesn't pardon you."

"I am not looking for pardon, I know you can't forgive me...what I did I did because I was a selfish coward. I wanted to keep you and I thought the only way I could was if you were human."

"So you admit it!" Missy seized on his confession with zeal. "You did it deliberately."

"I did." The Doctor wasn't proud of himself and he allowed her to feel his shame. "I couldn't bear losing you and I knew if you were yourself then you would never agree to stay with me in the Tardis. How many times had I asked you to travel with me, and how many times had you refused? I couldn't take the chance that you would refuse again, you and the twins were everything I had ever wanted, and I knew you would stay because you needed my protection."

"I stayed because I wanted to not because I needed or wanted your protection Idiot!" Missy spat in his face. "I stayed because for once it was my choice, mine! Not some pathetic offer you only ever dangle in my face when you want me to give up something else or to protect your pathetic humans. This time it was on my terms don't you get that? Not a consolation prize or a pathetic attempt of yours to martyr yourself for your beloved earth. For once there was no ulterior motive and I actually believed that you wanted me there for me."

"I did...I do..."

"No you wanted a simulacrum of me, a toy you could play with and control. Tell me Doctor did you get a kick out of my human self's pathetic attachment to you? When she told you she loved you did you feel anything other than contempt?"

Shaking his head The Doctor struggled to keep up with Missy's suddenly shifting mood. One moment he thought there was flicker of light, the next she was twisting his words and his intentions and plunging him back into the dark depths of her rage.

"It really doesn't matter thought does it Doctor, I mean when have you shown anything recently towards me other than contempt. I'm just the annoying little pest who once meant something to you but who keeps popping back up to bother you and your new friends. I should have gotten the hint centuries ago when you left me to burn but I guess I am just a slow learner when it comes to you. Well killing me is one thing, maiming me I could accept, turning down my hand of friendship I've come to expect, but knowingly keeping me trapped and playing house with a lobotomised version of me." Missy paused raising her disrupter and pressing against his temple.

"Now you have wasted enough of my time Doctor. If you have anything left to confess do so now because my patience is running thin."

Closing his eyes so that The Mistress wouldn't be able to see the despair and pain in them The Doctor recalled his previous intentions, picking up when he had left off.

"I do forgive you Koschei for what you feel you have to do. Please look after our children, keep them safe and tell them how grateful I am for them how they gave me a second chance to be a father, a chance I never deserved but am so grateful for... and please when you tell them about me remember to tell them how sorry I am not to be there to see them grow up and how much I...I love their mother."

Yanking her hand free Missy staggered back all but collapsing against the nearest unit the hand that had been resting against his chest and under his hand shaking, the knife falling from her trembling fingers.

"You complete..." Missy hissed blue eyes swimming with tears she refused to shed. "Of all the lies you could tell."

"I'm not lying Koschei not this time." The Doctor rose from his feet creeping towards her like she might bolt or lash out, both possibilities were likely and neither were desired.

"We may not know what human love really is, but we have come the closest I think of any Time Lords...I know I would go mad with grief if I ever lost you Kosch even without a bond, perhaps that is what it is for a Time Lord to love."

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